Sunday, 8 November 2015

30DWC - Favourite colour and Five fears

Day 18: Your favourite colour and why

I wish my wardrobe was a sophisticated mix of blue in different hues. Or of greens or orange and tangerine. Alas, I find it impossible to choose a favourite colour in the same way as I find it impossible to find a 'passion' in life. For life. My colours are a mixed palette but probably blue features most strongly. So if I choose blue it is because the sky is blue - and I love every different shade - especially the deep steely blue-black before a storm. Blue is the colour of the sea. Water and sky. Two things I love.

Day 19: Five fears that you have

1. Dogs on the loose. I find them utterly unnerving which is tricky as the local beach is a dogs off-leash beach. I love that the dogs can run free. I know they need that and back when I had dogs I would drive them to the beach for long and fun-filled morning walks with the kids before school and uni/work. They were halcyon days. Idyllic. Perhaps having a dog again might send that fear running. It goes back to my younger days when a collie grabbed the collar of my roll-necked jumper when I bent to put something down on the door step of a house I'd not been to before. I understand now that what I did was really threatening to the dog, bending down over the top of him. I can rationalise it all but still the fear stirs when I see a dog off-lead. It's a nuisance really. Perhaps one I can work on.

2. That perhaps I can't do the things I want to do. That maybe I am not enough or not good enough or not dedicated enough or not something enough. Of course, I know that is all negative self-talk and it's a lot of rubbish because as long as my wants are within the bounds of reason, there is no reason they're not achievable other than by observing my own mind's limiting beliefs. I can definitely work on that one!

3. I will be forever battling with stuff. You know, stuff. Books, magazines, shoe boxes, jewellery, paper stacks, creams and lotions and bedding and clothes and cleaning materials and containers and food and furniture and get the picture. I am minimalist at heart I'm sure. Just the necessaries and perhaps a very few 'just for pleasures'. But somehow I seem to be a magnet for stuff! It is not wanting to waste - perhaps my creative self can always see another use for an item - but often things just sit and wait for me to finally throw them out. To overcome this fear I need to develop a system that allows much less stuff to come my way. Stuff can kind of validate us sometimes. Gifts are lovely and they let us know someone cared enough to put thought into something for us. But even they can amass over the years and become stifling. I know loads of people who live in houses quite stuffed with stuff and they seem perfectly happy with it. But not me. I'm afraid I will drown.

4. Swimming in the ocean. Now that's a bit mad given that I used to live on a cruising yacht, but I just don't feel comfortable in the ocean. I used to get in, swim two strokes away from the boat and back. Just get wet and get out. Or I would swim around the boat but right next to it, up close as that is meant to be some protection from sharks. I don't like the idea of the being in the water with so many biting, stinging, dangerous, eating things. I love that they exist. I wonder at their beauty and magnificence and enjoy them best from the safety of the deck or dry land. I do go in the ocean if the weather is hot enough and the water is not too freezing (as it usually is down here) but I don't go in for long. I have huge respect for friends and others that throw themselves in the deep with apparently reckless abandon and find enjoyment in it. Leaves me gobsmacked and rather envious I must say. Not sure if I can work on this one or even if I really want to. It was nerve wracking enough watching a friend's dog fetching a pine cone from the sea down at the beach last week. Not much hope for me I don't think.

5. Parenting is the other one. Sometimes I fear that I've made a complete shambles of it all. I'm glad my kids are strong and independent in their own different ways. I'm thankful that we all talk and love each other. But I fear that sometimes I've made life very difficult for them. And even though I've been doing this parenting thing for 25 years now, I'm still not sure about what I'm doing or how. I just do what I hope is right and then hope for the best for them. I think this is a fear shared by many parents. There are books about child-raising but nothing prepares you for what it is really about. Day in, day out. It can be wonderful and rewarding and devastating and frustrating and challenging. All on one day. Over and over again. I love my children more than I can say. I carry their pain and suffering in my heart. I wait for days when there is more joy. Someone once wrote that having a child is like having your heart walk around outside your body. That seems about right. This fear is just one I have to live with. Perhaps it even seems necessary. I guess I take that job very seriously. Perhaps I just need to meditate more. 

Tomorrow - music.


Kerry x

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