Imposter Syndrome and those annoying little Voices

The voice of Imposter Syndrome

Who am I to have the right to say what I want to say? Who am I to think I have some kind of wisdom or expertise? Who am I to expect that anyone will benefit from the things I share about my life and reflections and learning? Who am I to think anyone would pay any attention to anything I have to say? Who am I with my lukewarm life to think that anyone wants to know?

Who am I? Who am I? 

Who am I to be so pumped up? Who am I to think I can be an author? Who am I to think my voice matters? Who am I to dare to have an opinion on something? Who am I who is over-sensitive? Who am I who is lazy? Who am I who is ridiculous and self-important? Who am I to be bigger than tiny? Have you seen the world from space? I am nothing. I am nobody. Who am I who has endured so many failures and false starts? Who am I to dream of a happy life? Who am I who has not got it right up 'til now? 

You've seen the scorn that is thrown at people who dare to speak. The vitriol. The nastiness. The unwarranted viciousness.  The ones who can't see a different perspective. The trolls. You don't want that.  

The voices of the Inner Children

Don't say anything then no-one will correct you. Don't say anything because then no-one will criticise. Don't say anything and then you won't have to justify your position. Don't say anything then you will have a peaceful life. It's dangerous to say anything. It's best to fly under the radar. It's best to not be noticed.Stay safe. Say nothing. You are probably wrong anyway. You'll be embarrassed. You'll be shamed. Say nothing. Do nothing.

The voice of the Inner Adult

You have been through a lot. You have made a lot of mistakes. You have learned a lot. You are wise and it is hard-won wisdom. And still you go on learning. You do have something to offer. You do have wisdom to share. You can make a difference. 

The voice of Persuasion

What if you don't use your voice? How many lives will not be changed if you remain silent? If you stay small. If you just retire to a life of watching sunsets and dreaming? What if you can be strong enough to ignore the trolls and critics (to try to understand where they are coming from)? What if you actually make a difference for some teachers, some children, some parents? What if your voice is the one they need to hear - not all of them, of course, but some of them? What if they are waiting to hear this the way you say it? 

The voice of Reason

Everyone has a story or stories to tell. Everyone likes to learn from or be entertained by other people's stories. Even if a story has been told many, many times before, no one will tell it the way you do. Every person's experience is unique, even though there are similarities. Everyone learns in their own unique way. You will connect with the people you connect with. There will be people who just 'get' you and who will know that you 'get' them. And for those people you write. For those people you speak. Those people might be in a crowd of others who don't get you or don't like you...but those few will be so grateful that you were brave enough to speak out. They will be shored up by your words. They will be emboldened by your challenge or your wisdom to make changes in their lives or to 'get' themselves in a deeper way. No one voice is wasted. One life impacted in a positive way is enough. One person encouraged or empowered is enough. Just do it. Don't be afraid. 

The voice of Reality

I will burst if I do not speak, if I do not write, if I do not teach. I will explode if I am not able to share my thoughts and my stories. I will wither and die if I try to stay small. I am small. It is all a matter of perspective. I am one tiny voice in a wilderness. I am one tiny voice among a plethora of others. I am insignificant in the big picture. Each of us can make a difference. My drive is to write. My drive is to do this as I am doing now. To allow thought to flow and to make its way into print. It cannot be helped. 

Remember the guided meditation - so many years ago - up the winding path to the top of the hill, into the castle, up to the treasure chest. Opening the treasure chest I was to find the keys to life. All I found was a pencil. So simple now it draws tears to my eyes. I must write words. I am not to draw other than as a challenge for my brain now and then but to write words. To string them together and make meaning for others. To ease their suffering. To bring them joy. To teach them how to live (Wow, that's a big statement but this is what I've been busy doing - learning how to live - and by teaching I learn more). 

From writing I gain satisfaction. I write in the morning (Morning Pages - The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron). I write in the middle of the day. I write in the evenings. I write tantrums and love letters and notes of happiness for a jar I have to collect them in. I write notes to remind me and notes to forget. I keep notes from others. I have scribbled notes from people now gone from my life. Did they know how much their words would matter to me? Probably not. They wrote them to convey a thought at the time and probably expected they would go in the bin, if indeed they even considered it. To me they are treasures. 

So the importance is not so much on the writer but on the reader. Your words will be interpreted through their world view so you cannot know how it will be received. The very same words will be viewed as rubbish by some and treasure by others. Let your words fly out into the world to be found by those who will treasure them. The others will find their treasures another day, in other words, from voices that speak just to them. 

My voice

I struggle sometimes to say how I feel. I struggle to say right away what I think about something. I am reflective by nature. In the same way that I want to look at every darned thing in the opportunity shop, I want time to think about a thing from every angle I can find. Fear sits behind this struggle. Fear that I will change my mind when I've had longer to think. Fear that I might be rejected or shouted down. Fear that I will make a silly choice of words. So by the time I write something I have probably had a pretty good long think about it. But of course, it is still only my perspective or my thoughts. I was once chastised in a sense by an academic who despised people who sit on the fence or live in the grey area. I can't help being that way. I can see so many different perspectives on any issue and can justify many a position so it is often difficult, if not impossible to be 'black' or 'white'. Is that a racist statement? It is not mean to be. It could be right or left, right or wrong. Middle of the road. It can be seen as cowardly because one can move in either direction. Pick a side. Pick a side and stay there. Only believe what substantiates your choice. Everything else is wrong. I can't be like that. I just can't . 

So this is my second post today. Obviously I've had a bit on my mind and it seems important to share it, even if in fact it is not. I hope this will speak to someone out there and let them know that they are okay. Human beings are extremely complex creatures. Is it worse to think of not to think? 

If you are tempted to speak but are holding your voice like a burning bush in the middle of your heart, fearful of exploding or of disappearing if you do not express what hides there, please find a way to let your words out...or your art...or your songs...music...dance. Allow yourself to be fully human by expressing yourself. It will bless you, even if there are haters. I promise.

Speak.

Write.

Sing.

Use your words for good.

Comparison (don't listen to it)

A final word on this - comparison - it is the death of many a fine and wonderful idea. We humans are very good at looking outwards at what others are doing and then deciding that we are not good enough, not clever enough, not expert enough, not whatever enough. It is natural to do this. There are so many people out there doing their thing. They are doing it bigger, better, more beautifully than you. There are others out there doing it with less experience, less expertise, less tech savviness, less polish. But guess what? None of that matters. We all have something to share and we all have an audience out there somewhere just waiting to hear from us. I hope this post will help you to find your voice. Trust yourself. 

With love

Kerry

For Better or Worse

This morning I've made myself a smoothie.

 I always eat well. 

But often I don't eat well on top of that, if you know what I mean. 

I eat a wide range of healthy foods - and enough! 

But then I eat some not as necessary and not as supportive of my health and wellbeing foods on top of that. 

Lately I've been experiencing the impact of that with clothes getting tighter and feeling...hmmm...a little bloated I guess. Also I have noticed that my heart is beating way hard and fast after I eat grain foods (mostly wheat-based). I've also noticed that I'm getting some itchy and twitchy patches of skin, and my skin generally is not feeling as good as I want it to (and know it can!). And I want to sleep way too much. Time for me to sit up and take notice!

I've yet to meet a food I didn't like (excepting for once - raw sea urchins - I think I can be forgiven for that) and I am definitely addicted to high carb and sugar-laden tucker so I do need to be careful. And I've not been as careful lately. I hate that it shows up so loudly in my life but at the same time am grateful that my body (and mental health, mood, etc) wave their flags to let me know it's time to rein things in and rediscover the sense of freedom that comes with truly feeling great.

And so I made a smoothie this morning with a great big handful of the beautiful dandelion leaves that are growing right by my doorstep. Also on my doorstep this morning was a gorgeous gift of garden fresh zucchinis, beans and half a dozen fresh-laid eggs. This time of year is the perfect time to reset. Here in the southern hemisphere, the weather is summery and our gardens are beginning to produce lavish amounts of greens and other goodies. Roadside stalls abound in berries and cherries. The time is ripe for indulgence in all that produces great health! 

The weather is great enough to entice us outside for a stroll around the garden or a drive to somewhere new to explore; wildflowers are blooming and everything, everywhere is beautiful. The sun is mighty powerful here in southern Tasmania and we do need to be sun-safe and sun-smart. I went for a couple of hours walk last weekend on a bright day, and even though I wore a hat, I found the heat reflecting up from the ground started to make me feel a bit less than brilliant. Stay in the shade, cover up and stay hydrated...use sun-screen as appropriate. 

Anyway, back to the smoothie. I'm telling you this because I know I need to put my health and habits that support health front and centre or I drift off-course and find those flags flapping for attention. Often by then (or at least by the time they are serious enough to make me pay attention), I have a bit of work to do to get back on track. So here I am doing it now. How many of you have lost focus on your well being after a relaxed festive season that seems to just keep on going? I'm still teased by a massive Christmas pudding in the fridge. Luckily it belongs to someone else in the house - if it was mine I would probably have noshed the whole lot by now in some emotion-induced comfort eating. Because there are challenges in life. And sometimes eating something is easier than facing those challenges and getting on with life. I digress, yet again.

The smoothie was a mix of frozen blueberries, a few chunks of frozen mango, some rolled oats, a few sunflower seeds and pepitas and some coconut milk. Oh, and the generous dose of dandelion leaves. Last time I donated blood they told me my iron count was down from usual. That's a flag too I reckon. Dandelion leaves contain high levels of iron and are a good source of calcium, Vitamins A, B6, E and K, along with thiamine, anti-oxidants and beta- and alpha-carotene, according to The Weed Forager's Handbook; A guide to edible and medicinal weeds in Australia by Adam Grubb and Annie Raser-Rowland. 

A weed forager's guide is a handy thing to have if you want to make the most of free food in your own garden! It contains wisdom many of us have never known or have forgotten. I know a friend who regularly uses Amaranth in her food prep, which along with dandelion is packed with great nutrition. Now I've not been making the most of this by any means, but I am paying attention right now because it's important. Without my health in order, the rest of my life pales into a shadow of what it could and would be. I want that better life. Now. But it's not quite that instant is it? It takes a bit of dedication to get there. 

While there is life, there is hope! And I am full of hope and know that if I am going to take the message into schools and teach kids about the impact of foods, natural and processed, on our bodies, then I need to be walking the talk and feeling strong, alive and vibrant. Who wouldn't want that. Well, apparently a bunch of us that are numbed out and living with a less than optimum or even reasonable level of health. So much of it is in our own hands. We rely on going along to doctors with a range of symptoms that very often would be minimised or reversed with a good, consistent approach to eating well and getting enough sunshine and enjoyable exercise like walking. Connection to others impacts significantly on our health and wellbeing too, of course. 

If your social get togethers are all about food (think coffee and cake at the cafe), consider changing that to a meeting at the park for a walk and talk. You'll feel better and be making a great choice for your health. Being well, really well, comes about not with a great, big driven effort over a short period of time, but by consistent small choices made for the better each day. Water, not the milkshake. Celery, not the crackers. Fruit, not the cake. The old trick, parking a little further from your destination and walking a little further than might be necessary. Small changes, small choices add up over time to feeling better. 

Better - not perfect. That is the way I live now. My motto if you like. I used to think that things weren't worth doing unless I did them perfectly. So I was a very harsh critic of myself. I'm older and wiser now and don't criticise myself if I don't do something perfectly. I know now that it's rarely possible and that in life there are many different ways to be 'right'. And true. And moving in the 'right' direction. There is no perfect way but there are many opportunities every day to make choices that move us towards better, be that in our physical health or our mental health. Food, exercise, connection to self and others impact both our mental and physical health every day. So my intention for the next while is to make choices that move me towards better physical and mental health. Until it becomes habit again, and it will if I am paying enough attention. 

For the record:

• Blueberries - fibre, a good range of B vitamins and Vit C
• Oats - B vitamins, Vit E, folate and fibre
• Sunflower seeds - Vits B1 and E and fibre
• Pepitas - Zinc, Vit E, iron and fibre
• Dandelion Greens - iron, calcium, Vits A, B6, E and K, thiamine, anti-oxidants, beta- and alpha-carotene
• Coconut milk - Fats and carbs (careful not to over-indulge!)

If you're not feeling great, there are always things you can do to start moving towards better. One choice is the first step. What will you do today to help move yourself away from the inevitable ill health that will follow if you don't move yourself towards wellness? 

It can be helpful to consider that we live on a timeline that is moving us inevitably towards death and to think about how you want to get there. I want to live my days, which seem to be disappearing at an increasingly fast rate, with enthusiasm and vigour, not hunkered down on the couch watching Netflix and eating 'junk food' and calling that a life. 

Cheers for now!

Here's to better health!

Here's to choices that lead to better health!

Here's to caring enough to make those choices!

Here's to being human and life being a bumpy road!

Here's to you and thanks for reading me!

Kerry