Sigh. I wonder if perhaps when we go through times of internal dissent (for want of a better term) that it can suck us dry of our creativity. Internal dissent. Knowing that I have to do one thing but wanting to do another. Or many others. But stuck with the status quo, or so it seems. Stuck-ness is a great killer of creativity. No doubt.
Do you find yourself bombarded (I know, it's a choice) with declarations that you can change anything and everything about life that is not contributing to your joy and happiness buckets? Perhaps it's all the positive thinking and spiritually leaning pages I've chosen to follow on social media. Perhaps I can change the message I'm choosing for myself by switching 'channels'? It's true that we see what we are looking for. I'm feeling unsettled in myself and so all I see around me is reinforcing that message and telling me to step up! step out! make the change! and yes, in a blink I would.
But it's not that easy. As most of us would find, change affects not only us but those around us too. We do need to take into account how our choices affect others. Imagine if we didn't...how wild would life be then! So for now I will find ways to make the status quo work for me. I will make small adjustments and look for signs that I am happier in fact than I have recently allowed myself to believe. Not that I've been UNhappy. That wouldn't be fair to say or to think so. I am just ready for change again.
Oh dear, that restless spirit of mine always ready for change. Always wanting to hit the road and go. Always wanting to follow my nose and my inklings, my ponderings and my dreams. My new ideas, my impulses and compunctions. But life wants me to be solid and regulated and reliable and all the things that are such a struggle for me. I bet no one could imagine the struggles that go on inside my very ordinary exterior. People who 'see' me say that I'm 'such a hippie'. Or perhaps a 'plain clothes hippie'. All good. I don't mind what people say.
I know I'm not that unusual. There are lots of us out there doing what we 'have to'. To keep things going. To put toast on the table. To pay the damned bills. Well. It's what we do.
Just of late I've been dragged, kicking and screaming (no, that's not true at all) into the lovely world of letter journalling. If you don't know what it is, take a mo to look it up on Google. For me, it's a bit of fun and way to explore playing with various ways of arting. I'm learning from other letter journallers and meeting some lovely people in the swaps. Its giving me a bit of something I've been needing; new people to talk to, new skills to learn. Things that keep me from going crazy. Well okay, that's probably a bit of an exaggeration. Things that keep me...busy. Things that maybe keep me from changing what I want to change? I wonder.
It's been a God-send really. I've been stuck in my chair quite a lot in recent weeks with a knee that has suddenly decided to show the ravages of time and has rendered me nowhere near as agile or mobile as I like to be. As I have taken myself for granted all these years until now. No wonder I'm a bit grumpy and restless. No bushwalks. No beachwalks. They are often my inspiration to write. No inspiration.
So that is me. In my bubble. Trying to imagine getting through the week at work when I go back this week, without my knee being an unhappy balloon at the end of the day. I'm taking some supplements to help regrow the cartilage. Don't scoff. I have a strong belief in the human body's ability to heal so I'm going with that. Set the scene for healing and it will happen. I believe that. It is just a matter of commitment to the cause and time. So I am resting a lot.
I could muse much more about stuck-ness. About how it builds character and perseverance. About developing stick-at-it-ive-ness. About being grateful for how things are. About looking for the lessons in the status quo and applying them diligently. I am not unaware of the benefits. But it doesn't stop me from wanting to spit the bit and take off like a wild pony, mane jerking freely in the breezy wake of my galloping escape! No. It. Does. Not. Sigh.
There are so many things happening around the world and in our country here that I'd like to be writing a lot more about but I tend to keep quiet because I have my job to think of. When I find a way to live without it I expect I will have much more to say. In the meantime I will entertain myself by writing closer to home and hope that you might find something here to identify with. After all, isn't that what makes a read worthwhile...when we can think 'yes'...'someone else understands'.
Tomorrow is Anzac Day. A holiday. A sad day. A proud day for some. I'll be thinking of the men, young and old, who went into hell because they had no choice or no understanding. I'll think of the families they left behind, who loved them and grieved for them and grieve for them still. For the souls of men and women and children around the world who die in wars still now, every single day. And I'll wonder why the hell we can't stop it all and find a way to love and care for each other. Later I'll listen to some angry, tortured soul screaming ''Get off the effing road!!" (and it may well be a women speaking) just because another driver is a little hesitant or unsure of the way...and I'll know that there's not much hope. Well, not until a lot of us calm down and get a handle on what really matters.
Wishing you love.
Wishing you hope.
Wishing you peace.