In defence of baggage

I've been a member of various dating sites for a few years on and off, and one of the things I've noticed is that people will say they have 'no baggage' or they are looking for someone with 'no baggage'. I'm thinking they have 'no brain' and they're looking for someone with 'no brain'. Perhaps it's just a misuse of terminology, and the implications are much less pointed than they sound, but I want to stand in defence of baggage. I'm thinking of the primary relationship in my life. I was with one man for 27 years. We separated and divorced and he has since passed away. There is no going back. I can only moved forward from here on. But I'll be taking some baggage with me. I'll be taking the memories of 27 years of adventures with my best friend. If I started a new relationship tomorrow, I'd have to live until I'm 82 to have 27 years of adventures with a new best friend. I hope I can do that.

Part of my baggage is the lessons I've learned through those 27 years and in the eight years that have passed since we first parted company. Sometimes I wish I'd known then what I know now about relationships, about me, about men, about people. What a rich and wonderful journey it's been so far. I know I'll go on learning, but I'm in a much better place now to learn. I was stubborn and had the righteousness of youth about me. I didn't realise how much I had to learn. None of us do. 

I said to a new friend recently, one of the best things about starting a relationship later in life is that you are more forgiving. Of each other. Of each other's scars and bumps and physical 'baggage'. Not just more forgiving...perhaps even more appreciative because you know that the other person has been on adventures too. You know because of your own scars and bumps that the others' have stories attached to them too. Part of the new adventure is finding out about their life lessons. It becomes a sharing of life lessons. How lucky that we can bring some of that baggage with us. If we find a partner who is forgiving and appreciative then perhaps they can be comfortable with the baggage being part of the deal. You don't stop loving. 

The biggest lesson in life for me has been to let go. I've learned that letting go doesn't mean that I don't care. It doesn't mean that I never reflect or reminisce. It means that I live now. I live planning for the future. I make goals. I learn from the past and hold good memories fondly. I give thanks for the lessons learned in the less than pretty moments. I forgive myself for not knowing a better way to handle things; to respond instead of reacting. To put myself in another's boots. I take my baggage and place it tenderly in the new space. I do not drag it in and throw it in the face of a new love, but I sit it gently in the corner of the room because having it there reminds me to be gentle. It reminds me to be kind and understanding and to keep healthy boundaries around myself. It reminds me to love myself well and to be loving. It reminds me that communication is so important. It reminds me to listen. To ask the right questions. 

All of us who have lived have baggage. Some have a back-pack and some have five suitcases...just like travelers...we all do it differently. Some are better at letting go. Some leave their lessons behind and forget. For them it would be better perhaps to go back and find them. Carry your baggage well. Share it when there is trust enough...most importantly...spend some time opening that baggage if you haven't done so yet. Check it out thoroughly. Look for the lessons. There is something in there to help you live better today and in the future. With love, Kerry xox