A Little Courage

Back in 2008 I did a massage course. I know. Daredevil I am! I remember well that long ago my then boyfriend and later hubby was interested in us doing a couples massage course and of course, the very thought absolutely freaked me out! I imagined (in my over-active thinker) that I would be required to be intimate with my partner in a room full of other people being intimate with their partners and well....I just wasn't going to go there because in my mind it was aaaarrrrrgggghhh...WAY too scary. So we never did it. Shame really because it probably would have been a very good thing. Sometimes those of us that over think things scare ourselves out of doing things that could be fun or just plain good for us. Anyway...

Some years later, after our sad parting and with my interest sparked by a fellow who needed massage to cope with a medical issue, I came across a course labelled massage 'therapy' that sounded much safer and just the kind of thing I needed to learn to be some help. Spurred by my desire to help this man (much misguided it turned out but that is another story altogether) I booked myself a place. I was scared stiff but 'love' can motivate us girls to do the most unexpected things! The course was taking place in my local capital city, six hours driving away, so it was necessary to find accommodation. As I'd never stayed in a back-packers hostel and I was obviously right into getting way out of my comfort zone at that stage of life, I decided that might be just the thing to do. I have to say that the decision was at least partly financial. I'm still trying to work out if it was a good decision five years later! The hostel I booked into looked pretty good on the internet. Nice rooms. Nice photos. I was really looking forward to the whole adventure in a really terribly nervous kind of way.

I didn't drive the car so I wouldn't need to worry about parking; I took the train. I like the train. It's comforting to travel with the ca-choonk, ca-choonk, ca-choonking sound. One can manage a pretty decent nap listening to that, which is good thing on a six hour journey. All good. Arrived. Collected from the station by a typical back-packer hostel van along with an interesting mix of travelling folk. My room had no windows. I checked. Twice. No windows. A very glum, rather yellowish - grey skylight above the bed, but no fresh air and no view. The carpet had stains that I am sure were blood. Lots of them. I began to feel a bit uncomfortable really. The sickly aroma of mould overwhelmed the wafting scents from dishes of all nations floating up from the communal kitchen. Yes up...it was upstairs. Up about twenty rickety stairs that threatened to drop from beneath me each time I climbed them...and I climbed them a lot in the two weeks I stayed there. 

The showers were novel too. They ran warm for just about long enough to get shampooed and then cold. Doing a massage course one ends up pretty oily by the end of the day and hair washing becomes pretty important to a girl with ANY self-esteem. The fridges in the kitchen were loaded with bags of stuff with names on. You had to put your name on your stuff so people knew who's stuff they were nicking! Let's just say it was interesting. Oh, and very loud. I was told that it was a 'young people's hostel' by the admin staff; I guess they were just making sure I knew I wasn't in that category. I met a lovely young woman the next morning at breakfast and somehow knew we were headed to the same place. She was off to the massage course too so I had a friend to help me find the place. Meeting that inspiring young woman was one of the best things about the whole adventure. She is an absolutely marvellous human being and I am in awe of the adventures she and her handsome French hubby embark on as their life's work. Awesome!

Despite my early misgivings, I survived that hostel experience and the massage course was one of the best things I've ever done for myself. I learned so much. I learned to allow others to work on me. I learned to allow strangers to touch my body. This is big. After all, I'm English. I learned to massage others. It was all so respectful and professional and wonderful and also challenging. It stretched boundaries for me and I discovered that I could really do something beautiful for another human being. I learned that when people really relax and trust you, that all the lines disappear from their faces. That is so beautiful to see. I learned that touch is so very therapeutic, for both the giver and receiver. 

What I learned proved useful over coming months as I helped friends and also managed to earn a few extra dollars tending to knotted necks and shoulders at the university. After a while...after the misguided yearnings mentioned earlier subsided and I 'moved on'...I sort of gave up doing massage. I remember one day an ex-army guy came into the wee room I worked in at the uni (he was a new lecturer in something or other) and I couldn't do anything to penetrate his bulging muscles. He was so tough! I tried fingers and thumbs, elbows and knees and he was completely unmoved by my efforts. I felt like such a failure. Sad but true. That might also be why I stopped. 

Enter winter 2013. I think I want to massage again. I have helped a friend here and there along the way and have always felt like I did a good job for them. I just get a bit scared that I might not do well enough. Hmmm we've all heard that little demon; he sits on our shoulders and nags us to believe we are not enough...know him? I gave an old friend a massage this afternoon. If she ever finds this blog to read I worry that she might tell you all that it was 'crap'...but I have to be honest with myself and remember the look on her face as she lay on the table so relaxed when I was finished. I have to remember the hug on the way out and the fact that she mentioned 'next time'. I guess it must have been ok. So what I'm thinking is that I really like to do this for people and all I need to do really is keep doing it until I feel more confident. There will always be moments when I'm not sure I've done enough, but if I just do the best I can, it will be enough for most people. 

It takes a little courage to serve people in such a personal way. It takes courage to accept the  privilege of being trusted to treat them with respect and care. That is what I do. In the world today, it's not good to restrict one's earning capacity to one thing. I am a teacher. I am also a massage therapist. I just have to believe it a little more.

Do you have things you like to do or want to do but something is holding you back? Could it be lack of courage? Remember you just need a little bit to get started.