100 Things I Like - a challenge

It's the weekend and such a happy one after a full and busy week! This morning I'm enjoying a second leisurely cup of coffee and whilst I was pondering what to chat about, I remembered a time when I was newly 'separated' and desperately reading everything I could get my hands on to try and make sense of the emotional state in which I found myself. One of those readings, and unfortunately I can't remember which or what it was now, suggested that I should write down 100 things I liked. It was an exercise to try and get back in touch with myself as a whole person. Somehow by the time I mustered the courage to leave and found a way to do it without causing anyone too much pain (or so I thought), I really had no clue who I was. I tended by then to operate on auto-pilot, going through the motions of the day and doing all I could to please everyone. I got it wrong a lot and was in a constant state of not being able to please and not feeling good enough and hating myself really. I loved my kids and I loved my husband but I was desperately unhappy. It's a difficult thing to go back and think about. I have read tens if not hundreds of books and articles and listened to dozens of video talks and so on trying to find what I needed to know to put myself back together...or to create myself in the first place, because now I'm not sure I ever really existed until now.

Anyway, I came across this idea of writing down 100 things I liked and it was to be a step in the right direction. How hard can that be? I thought to myself. This is an easy thing to do. So I found a nice piece of textured green paper. This was therapy so I wasn't going to do it on the back of an old envelope like a shopping list! This was healing. This was self-discovery. This was important stuff. I sat and looked at the paper. What do I like? I didn't know. I couldn't put a single word on the paper to start with. I just looked at it. I knew what my kids liked. I knew what my husband liked. I knew what my friends liked. I knew what my parents liked. Well, I thought I did anyway. I didn't know what I liked. 

I tried folding it into eight and creating some mental categories. Books, films, places, clothes, cars, foods, something else and miscellaneous. I can't remember now but something like that. That made it a bit easier. I started to write in one or two words here and there. It was incredibly scary doing this and I can't really explain why. It was like I was stripping myself naked to the world. That doesn't make any sense because this list was just for me. No one else was ever going to see it. But what if someone else found it and read it? I was terrified of writing these things down. You might think they were bad things, but no, it was not that. It was just that writing them down meant that I was also in a way claiming a right to like things. To like these things. I'm not sure I thought I deserved that right when it came down to it. 

I can remember a few of the items that went on the list early. Red cars. Silk scarves. Cushions. Candles. Seeing the moon rise. Really simple stuff but it was really hard. Was I afraid of being ridiculed for liking things? Perhaps. I don't know. Now it is hard to understand but I know it was really, really difficult. I didn't make it to anywhere near 100 on my first try. When I had done as much as I could, I folded up the piece of paper and tucked it into a tiny plastic pouch I had, much like the ones the old bank books used to tuck into, but smaller. I put it away in a place where it wouldn't be found and cogitated on it. What else did I like? I didn't know. 

Over the months and years I've come across that little piece of green paper amongst my bits n pieces. I have boxes of writing things and it finds its way around in there somewhere. It's only A5 so not very big and the writing is small. I've been able to add something new each time I found it, and over time it has become full; I've even added some new catgories on the other side! I have discovered that I like LOADS of things...probably thousands; not tens, not hundreds, but thousands. Maybe even tens of thousands. I don't need to write them down now. I am happy to say that I like or I don't like this or that. I really don't care what people think of me or what I like or don't like. I like me. That is the difference. I know me and I like me. Back then I didn't know me. I had lost me. Or I had never had me. I am not sure. But now I have me and I like it.

I still have that little folded green reminder of where I was. I love it so much now. I am not afraid of it. I can fill it up over and over with things that I like. With words that represent all the wonders of the world that fascinate me, entertain me or give me comfort and pleasure. I don't know if there is a piece of paper in the world big enough to hold all the words I have now! I don't need to put them on paper. They are happy in my head. 

Try this little challenge for yourself today. Find a nice piece of paper and start to write. You might surprise yourself as I did. I hadn't realised that I liked boots that clack on the pavement and making wishes. I'm not going to share any more because I want you to write your own list. I want you to think of your own things. If it's hard for you to do, then I'm glad I wrote this for you today. I hope you will do what you can and keep it close and add to it as you can. I hope it will surprise you what you discover about yourself as you do this simple thing. It costs nothing but the benefits are priceless...at least to me. 

Love to you all and have a beautiful weekend.

PS I keep a packet or two of Sparklers in a drawer in my house. Now and then you'll find me in the garden at night with those and a box of matches... because I like to see those pretty lights traced in the darkness when I twirl them. I don't need to wait for New Year's Eve or Guy Fawkes Night to enjoy the things I like. I can do it anytime...especially now that I know what those things are!