Thought I'd better check in and say hello again today and let you all know that I am okay today, having shredded all my old journals yesterday. I did wonder if I might have some regrets today, but so far, none! In fact, I loaded the whole shebang - bags of shredded paper and journal covers - into the car and took them to the tip. I unceremoniously dumped them into the dumper and that was it. Gone! Properly gone!
It occurred to me today that there is one more reason to be letting them go...and those old patterns of thinking. I have 'struggled' with my weight and overall health for a long time and in particular in the past couple of years. I am so great (if I do say so myself) at creating forms and tables to inspire myself to start on new health regimes. I weigh and measure and tabulate and create and it's all just marvellous. I feel all inspired and do great things - writing down my progress and my slip ups on my wonderful forms and tables and graphs - for about a fortnight. Then I stop. I get busy with other stuff and forget to write it down. Then I lose my focus. And give up. Again and again and again. And that was all in those journals too.
Well, I don't really need to have those reminders of past 'failures' or 'failings'. They leave me feeling dis-empowered and miserable each time I revisit them. So, they are gone now. Yay! I've decided that I will tackle life in a different way.
I was talking with a friend the other day about giving up smoking. I gave up about twenty-six years ago. I had tried on previous occasions but had gone back to it each time. I had 'failed' but I didn't need to record it anywhere. When I eventually managed to stop, it was because I had a 'good enough' reason. Protecting and restoring my own health at that time obviously wasn't sufficient inspiration, but when my husband and I decided to start a family, that turned out to be the key. I knew that I didn't want to smoke around my baby. I knew that smoking affected my health and that it was worth getting myself on track even before falling pregnant. I'm not judging anyone else here, or the decisions they make in life, but that is what worked for me.
Weight loss and overall health will come into line in the same way I imagine. I am always mindful of the fact that every choice I make in life leads me either towards or away from good health. Most of the time I make pretty reasonable choices with my food. I slip off track now and then. That's okay.
The biggest thing for me is to get myself out for a walk every day and to set aside a sacred time for meditation every day. Even if it's only an hour for the two combined, these are the things that will motivate me and make it easier to keep the rest on track. I'm not going to write it down any more or create tables to map my progress. I know how I'm going by looking at my skin, by how I feel (how my energy level is going), by how well I sleep and by how my clothes fit and feel. It's pretty simple really. Here it is 9.31pm. I promised myself I'd be in bed early tonight so I'll have to wrap it up here.
So, no more torturing myself by holding onto evidence of perceived 'failure'. My plan from here on in is to just live one day at a time, to notice things that are going right and to keep adding to those! I am not stuck in any cycle unless I perceive myself to be. That's a rather important revelation for me.
Here's to enjoying life.
One day at a time.
Lots of love.
Kerry x
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