Imposter Syndrome and those annoying little Voices

The voice of Imposter Syndrome

Who am I to have the right to say what I want to say? Who am I to think I have some kind of wisdom or expertise? Who am I to expect that anyone will benefit from the things I share about my life and reflections and learning? Who am I to think anyone would pay any attention to anything I have to say? Who am I with my lukewarm life to think that anyone wants to know?

Who am I? Who am I? 

Who am I to be so pumped up? Who am I to think I can be an author? Who am I to think my voice matters? Who am I to dare to have an opinion on something? Who am I who is over-sensitive? Who am I who is lazy? Who am I who is ridiculous and self-important? Who am I to be bigger than tiny? Have you seen the world from space? I am nothing. I am nobody. Who am I who has endured so many failures and false starts? Who am I to dream of a happy life? Who am I who has not got it right up 'til now? 

You've seen the scorn that is thrown at people who dare to speak. The vitriol. The nastiness. The unwarranted viciousness.  The ones who can't see a different perspective. The trolls. You don't want that.  

The voices of the Inner Children

Don't say anything then no-one will correct you. Don't say anything because then no-one will criticise. Don't say anything and then you won't have to justify your position. Don't say anything then you will have a peaceful life. It's dangerous to say anything. It's best to fly under the radar. It's best to not be noticed.Stay safe. Say nothing. You are probably wrong anyway. You'll be embarrassed. You'll be shamed. Say nothing. Do nothing.

The voice of the Inner Adult

You have been through a lot. You have made a lot of mistakes. You have learned a lot. You are wise and it is hard-won wisdom. And still you go on learning. You do have something to offer. You do have wisdom to share. You can make a difference. 

The voice of Persuasion

What if you don't use your voice? How many lives will not be changed if you remain silent? If you stay small. If you just retire to a life of watching sunsets and dreaming? What if you can be strong enough to ignore the trolls and critics (to try to understand where they are coming from)? What if you actually make a difference for some teachers, some children, some parents? What if your voice is the one they need to hear - not all of them, of course, but some of them? What if they are waiting to hear this the way you say it? 

The voice of Reason

Everyone has a story or stories to tell. Everyone likes to learn from or be entertained by other people's stories. Even if a story has been told many, many times before, no one will tell it the way you do. Every person's experience is unique, even though there are similarities. Everyone learns in their own unique way. You will connect with the people you connect with. There will be people who just 'get' you and who will know that you 'get' them. And for those people you write. For those people you speak. Those people might be in a crowd of others who don't get you or don't like you...but those few will be so grateful that you were brave enough to speak out. They will be shored up by your words. They will be emboldened by your challenge or your wisdom to make changes in their lives or to 'get' themselves in a deeper way. No one voice is wasted. One life impacted in a positive way is enough. One person encouraged or empowered is enough. Just do it. Don't be afraid. 

The voice of Reality

I will burst if I do not speak, if I do not write, if I do not teach. I will explode if I am not able to share my thoughts and my stories. I will wither and die if I try to stay small. I am small. It is all a matter of perspective. I am one tiny voice in a wilderness. I am one tiny voice among a plethora of others. I am insignificant in the big picture. Each of us can make a difference. My drive is to write. My drive is to do this as I am doing now. To allow thought to flow and to make its way into print. It cannot be helped. 

Remember the guided meditation - so many years ago - up the winding path to the top of the hill, into the castle, up to the treasure chest. Opening the treasure chest I was to find the keys to life. All I found was a pencil. So simple now it draws tears to my eyes. I must write words. I am not to draw other than as a challenge for my brain now and then but to write words. To string them together and make meaning for others. To ease their suffering. To bring them joy. To teach them how to live (Wow, that's a big statement but this is what I've been busy doing - learning how to live - and by teaching I learn more). 

From writing I gain satisfaction. I write in the morning (Morning Pages - The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron). I write in the middle of the day. I write in the evenings. I write tantrums and love letters and notes of happiness for a jar I have to collect them in. I write notes to remind me and notes to forget. I keep notes from others. I have scribbled notes from people now gone from my life. Did they know how much their words would matter to me? Probably not. They wrote them to convey a thought at the time and probably expected they would go in the bin, if indeed they even considered it. To me they are treasures. 

So the importance is not so much on the writer but on the reader. Your words will be interpreted through their world view so you cannot know how it will be received. The very same words will be viewed as rubbish by some and treasure by others. Let your words fly out into the world to be found by those who will treasure them. The others will find their treasures another day, in other words, from voices that speak just to them. 

My voice

I struggle sometimes to say how I feel. I struggle to say right away what I think about something. I am reflective by nature. In the same way that I want to look at every darned thing in the opportunity shop, I want time to think about a thing from every angle I can find. Fear sits behind this struggle. Fear that I will change my mind when I've had longer to think. Fear that I might be rejected or shouted down. Fear that I will make a silly choice of words. So by the time I write something I have probably had a pretty good long think about it. But of course, it is still only my perspective or my thoughts. I was once chastised in a sense by an academic who despised people who sit on the fence or live in the grey area. I can't help being that way. I can see so many different perspectives on any issue and can justify many a position so it is often difficult, if not impossible to be 'black' or 'white'. Is that a racist statement? It is not mean to be. It could be right or left, right or wrong. Middle of the road. It can be seen as cowardly because one can move in either direction. Pick a side. Pick a side and stay there. Only believe what substantiates your choice. Everything else is wrong. I can't be like that. I just can't . 

So this is my second post today. Obviously I've had a bit on my mind and it seems important to share it, even if in fact it is not. I hope this will speak to someone out there and let them know that they are okay. Human beings are extremely complex creatures. Is it worse to think of not to think? 

If you are tempted to speak but are holding your voice like a burning bush in the middle of your heart, fearful of exploding or of disappearing if you do not express what hides there, please find a way to let your words out...or your art...or your songs...music...dance. Allow yourself to be fully human by expressing yourself. It will bless you, even if there are haters. I promise.

Speak.

Write.

Sing.

Use your words for good.

Comparison (don't listen to it)

A final word on this - comparison - it is the death of many a fine and wonderful idea. We humans are very good at looking outwards at what others are doing and then deciding that we are not good enough, not clever enough, not expert enough, not whatever enough. It is natural to do this. There are so many people out there doing their thing. They are doing it bigger, better, more beautifully than you. There are others out there doing it with less experience, less expertise, less tech savviness, less polish. But guess what? None of that matters. We all have something to share and we all have an audience out there somewhere just waiting to hear from us. I hope this post will help you to find your voice. Trust yourself. 

With love

Kerry

For Better or Worse

This morning I've made myself a smoothie.

 I always eat well. 

But often I don't eat well on top of that, if you know what I mean. 

I eat a wide range of healthy foods - and enough! 

But then I eat some not as necessary and not as supportive of my health and wellbeing foods on top of that. 

Lately I've been experiencing the impact of that with clothes getting tighter and feeling...hmmm...a little bloated I guess. Also I have noticed that my heart is beating way hard and fast after I eat grain foods (mostly wheat-based). I've also noticed that I'm getting some itchy and twitchy patches of skin, and my skin generally is not feeling as good as I want it to (and know it can!). And I want to sleep way too much. Time for me to sit up and take notice!

I've yet to meet a food I didn't like (excepting for once - raw sea urchins - I think I can be forgiven for that) and I am definitely addicted to high carb and sugar-laden tucker so I do need to be careful. And I've not been as careful lately. I hate that it shows up so loudly in my life but at the same time am grateful that my body (and mental health, mood, etc) wave their flags to let me know it's time to rein things in and rediscover the sense of freedom that comes with truly feeling great.

And so I made a smoothie this morning with a great big handful of the beautiful dandelion leaves that are growing right by my doorstep. Also on my doorstep this morning was a gorgeous gift of garden fresh zucchinis, beans and half a dozen fresh-laid eggs. This time of year is the perfect time to reset. Here in the southern hemisphere, the weather is summery and our gardens are beginning to produce lavish amounts of greens and other goodies. Roadside stalls abound in berries and cherries. The time is ripe for indulgence in all that produces great health! 

The weather is great enough to entice us outside for a stroll around the garden or a drive to somewhere new to explore; wildflowers are blooming and everything, everywhere is beautiful. The sun is mighty powerful here in southern Tasmania and we do need to be sun-safe and sun-smart. I went for a couple of hours walk last weekend on a bright day, and even though I wore a hat, I found the heat reflecting up from the ground started to make me feel a bit less than brilliant. Stay in the shade, cover up and stay hydrated...use sun-screen as appropriate. 

Anyway, back to the smoothie. I'm telling you this because I know I need to put my health and habits that support health front and centre or I drift off-course and find those flags flapping for attention. Often by then (or at least by the time they are serious enough to make me pay attention), I have a bit of work to do to get back on track. So here I am doing it now. How many of you have lost focus on your well being after a relaxed festive season that seems to just keep on going? I'm still teased by a massive Christmas pudding in the fridge. Luckily it belongs to someone else in the house - if it was mine I would probably have noshed the whole lot by now in some emotion-induced comfort eating. Because there are challenges in life. And sometimes eating something is easier than facing those challenges and getting on with life. I digress, yet again.

The smoothie was a mix of frozen blueberries, a few chunks of frozen mango, some rolled oats, a few sunflower seeds and pepitas and some coconut milk. Oh, and the generous dose of dandelion leaves. Last time I donated blood they told me my iron count was down from usual. That's a flag too I reckon. Dandelion leaves contain high levels of iron and are a good source of calcium, Vitamins A, B6, E and K, along with thiamine, anti-oxidants and beta- and alpha-carotene, according to The Weed Forager's Handbook; A guide to edible and medicinal weeds in Australia by Adam Grubb and Annie Raser-Rowland. 

A weed forager's guide is a handy thing to have if you want to make the most of free food in your own garden! It contains wisdom many of us have never known or have forgotten. I know a friend who regularly uses Amaranth in her food prep, which along with dandelion is packed with great nutrition. Now I've not been making the most of this by any means, but I am paying attention right now because it's important. Without my health in order, the rest of my life pales into a shadow of what it could and would be. I want that better life. Now. But it's not quite that instant is it? It takes a bit of dedication to get there. 

While there is life, there is hope! And I am full of hope and know that if I am going to take the message into schools and teach kids about the impact of foods, natural and processed, on our bodies, then I need to be walking the talk and feeling strong, alive and vibrant. Who wouldn't want that. Well, apparently a bunch of us that are numbed out and living with a less than optimum or even reasonable level of health. So much of it is in our own hands. We rely on going along to doctors with a range of symptoms that very often would be minimised or reversed with a good, consistent approach to eating well and getting enough sunshine and enjoyable exercise like walking. Connection to others impacts significantly on our health and wellbeing too, of course. 

If your social get togethers are all about food (think coffee and cake at the cafe), consider changing that to a meeting at the park for a walk and talk. You'll feel better and be making a great choice for your health. Being well, really well, comes about not with a great, big driven effort over a short period of time, but by consistent small choices made for the better each day. Water, not the milkshake. Celery, not the crackers. Fruit, not the cake. The old trick, parking a little further from your destination and walking a little further than might be necessary. Small changes, small choices add up over time to feeling better. 

Better - not perfect. That is the way I live now. My motto if you like. I used to think that things weren't worth doing unless I did them perfectly. So I was a very harsh critic of myself. I'm older and wiser now and don't criticise myself if I don't do something perfectly. I know now that it's rarely possible and that in life there are many different ways to be 'right'. And true. And moving in the 'right' direction. There is no perfect way but there are many opportunities every day to make choices that move us towards better, be that in our physical health or our mental health. Food, exercise, connection to self and others impact both our mental and physical health every day. So my intention for the next while is to make choices that move me towards better physical and mental health. Until it becomes habit again, and it will if I am paying enough attention. 

For the record:

• Blueberries - fibre, a good range of B vitamins and Vit C
• Oats - B vitamins, Vit E, folate and fibre
• Sunflower seeds - Vits B1 and E and fibre
• Pepitas - Zinc, Vit E, iron and fibre
• Dandelion Greens - iron, calcium, Vits A, B6, E and K, thiamine, anti-oxidants, beta- and alpha-carotene
• Coconut milk - Fats and carbs (careful not to over-indulge!)

If you're not feeling great, there are always things you can do to start moving towards better. One choice is the first step. What will you do today to help move yourself away from the inevitable ill health that will follow if you don't move yourself towards wellness? 

It can be helpful to consider that we live on a timeline that is moving us inevitably towards death and to think about how you want to get there. I want to live my days, which seem to be disappearing at an increasingly fast rate, with enthusiasm and vigour, not hunkered down on the couch watching Netflix and eating 'junk food' and calling that a life. 

Cheers for now!

Here's to better health!

Here's to choices that lead to better health!

Here's to caring enough to make those choices!

Here's to being human and life being a bumpy road!

Here's to you and thanks for reading me!

Kerry

Asking For Help ~ A Life Lesson

 Today I learned to ask for help. Yesterday I learned that maybe it is okay for me to ask for help. This might seem a little crazy, but for my whole life I have - endured? - the sense that I ought to be able to do things better. It's not perfectionism at work here, but a strong sense of - I am a reasonably intelligent woman and this task (whatever it may be) is well within my capabilities - therefore I need to get organised and get it done. In elegant contradiction to my thinking, however, the thing rarely gets done on time and I suffer an inordinate level of anxiety and self-loathing over my inability to move forward with things. 

Overwhelm is an almost constant companion, or at least the feeling of overwhelm so that I feel like I cannot do things that are well within the scope of my abilities. I love to do the planning for my projects. I create lists and checklists and mind maps and calendar plans with everything mapped out ready to go. It is all easy to manage and makes so much sense to me. Then my emotions well up and I am essentially paralysed. I have thought this through endlessly and had decided that maybe I am lazy or lack ambition and motivation. We've all heard the idea that motivation is created through action; it doesn't just happen as a rule. But the real action was so slow moving and frustration with myself has meant that I spend a lot of time wanting to run away. I don't know where to or away from what but just to go! Anywhere! Running away from myself. It can't be done. The problems always go with me. 

I was the one at university who always had to apply for extensions as I could rarely meet a deadline for submission of my work. I often got High Distinctions for the work, but I was unable to start it until the deadline was so close that I couldn't possibly get it in on time. It made me a nightmare to work with on group assignments I'm sure, but my anxiety would get in the way of me actually doing the work. I would 'do it' in my head and often would sit and write it all down almost without requiring editing before submitting. The grades were good but it was highly stressful and highly inefficient. It has felt as though I was self-sabotaging at every opportunity and I am sure my behaviour has been viewed by others with a mixture of dismay, anger and disbelief. 

Words and writing are my playground. I love them so much. But to produce writing at someone else's behest is agonising to me. It is like the worst kind of torture (drama queen enters here). I spent a lot of my university days, which I commenced in my 47th year, consumed by a weighty anxiety that rode on my chest just above my sternum and radiated a dry burn with every inward and outward breath. It was exhausting and made living really hard. It was ever-present, perhaps a side-dish for my trip along Menopause Lane which coincided nicely with time at university, or a product of having to 'perform' in pracs and presentations (and the fact that my performance would be judged/graded). It was such a tough time even though I loved being at university so much. It felt to me like coming home! But I suffered so at the same time. I don't believe I ever experienced anxiety as a physical presence prior to those years, but that is how it manifested then and still does today.

One of the things that sends me into paralysis (the freeze part of fight/flight/freeze) is the need to create work in tables - like lesson plans and rubrics and term plans and so on. I produced an integrated term unit plan at uni for one course. It was 70 pages long. All tables. All fabulous. High Distinction. But the lecturer commented on the assessment that I would have to find a different way to do it or I would never survive as a teacher. I resigned at the end of 2019. 

Tables -they send me into an absolute panic and I have to fight that the whole time to try and produce something that is 'right'. I experience a massive fear of getting it 'wrong'. I can't work out what headings to put where or how things flow and relate to one another unless someone actually sits with me and talks me through it. I believe that I should be able to do these things and find it ridiculous that they are such a struggle for me. It makes no sense to me and I berate myself internally for not being able to do this easily. It is usually a logical process to follow but my lizard brain doesn't let logic in to play. So I have learned to be avoidant and to find ways to not do these jobs that were integral to my job as a teacher. 

I graduated from university with a Bachelor of Learning Management (Early Childhood) with Distinction and gained permanency straight out of university with the Queensland Department of Education. I was asked if my portfolio, which was used for my interview and application for work with the department, could be used as an exemplar for future students. Of course I was honoured and said yes. They interviewing panel told me it was the best they had ever seen. I have loads of evidence that I am capable of functioning at a fairly high level. But still I struggle. 

Yesterday I had the privilege to hear from a visitor about some professional development she had done the day before around ADHD and ADD. As she described what kids with ADHD go through, it sounded just so much like me and the challenges I have managing and organising my written work that I have to believe that this is what I have been dealing with for most of my life. The penny dropped. I don't need a professional diagnosis to know that this disordered brain pattern and behaviour pattern is part of why I have been in such a difficult place. No doubt there are other factors but this is absolutely part of it. 

This is all so relevant and important to me right now as I have signed up to write a book. It is about a subject I am passionate about and I hope that it will impact positively on the lives of many children and their families. So the stakes are high. But I am not managing a mere two or three thousand word essay in this instance. It is thirty to forty thousand words and it's a lot to wrangle into some sort of order. 

The problems started right at the beginning of the writing journey when I was presented with the publishers proforma for organising the writing. It's a table. It's a form. And I fell instantly into panic mode and there I have stayed for the past nine months. I have copious mountains of notes, both physical and digital. I have stacks of reference books around me. I have everything I need to put this book together but the anxiety over those proformas has meant that I have stumbled and fumbled and agonised my way to the point where I have twice asked for 'extensions' or moved the dates for editing and publication believing that more time will solve the issues but no. It has not and still I sit surrounded and confounded by the inability to organise it all. Fear not if you have paid in advance for a copy of the book. It is still happening and it will be a better book, I promise you, for the process that I'm going through. 

So today my life has changed, due to that simple conversation over a cup of tea yesterday. Today I gave the publishers a call for help. I haven't asked for help before because I felt like I was at fault and that I should be able to make sense of this thing and get it organised. I know what organisation looks like so I couldn't understand why it was so impossible for me. Today I have understood that I need to step back and put into place some simple tools for organising my way forward. A chat on zoom with a very helpful staff member reassured me and we moved the dates yet again. The difference is that I will be keeping in touch regularly and asking for help if I'm feeling stuck or overwhelmed again. I thought it would be foolish to ask for help and that I would look stupid. I thought that no one would understand what I was going through. But having a sense of it being my 'wiring' and that actually I am okay and not 'faulty' or slack or lacking some basic component has allowed me to be vulnerable enough to ask for help. 

Tonight I am breathing easier. It is not an easy thing to write a book. There are millions of books out there written across history and thousands more are being released every year I'm sure, but still it is not an easy thing to do. This book has asked me to write it. It would not let me alone. It is taking me on a journey of personal growth and discovery that I could never have imagined. Maybe if I'd known I would not have started. Ignorance is sometimes bliss. Tomorrow is a new day and I am feeling confident to move forward again. 

The funny thing is that I would always encourage others to ask for help and to seek professional help when they need it. I in no way see it as belittling or demeaning to ask for help. Please if you need help with something ask. Please if you seem not to be able to figure out things that other people can do in a fairly straightforward way, be brave and ask for help to work it out. My fear was looking silly for not being able to work it out for myself but in the end I look silly for not accessing help a LOT sooner. It was available to me all along. I only had to ask. I hid behind changing deadlines to try and make myself figure it out on my own but I needed assistance, even just to talk it over to make it less of a weight on my shoulders. 

That is a big confession and I hope it might help someone out there that is trying too hard on their own. I envy people who are able to ask for help easily. I hope this is a good lesson for me too, to start to work more with other people and to not be afraid of that. I still don't understand fully what goes on with my brain, but I do know that I would have walked away from this project, ashamed and defeated, if I had not asked for help with it. 

A perhaps interesting aside: so many people have told me they cried when they watched the film The Notebook. It didn't move me in that way. I wept when I watched A Beautiful Mind. I understand the madness of trying to organise thoughts and information. I don't think I'm crazy at all. I just needed a little help.

Friends, family, be patient with me. Even at sixty-two I am still trying to grow up and figure out just who I am. I appreciate you all and thank you for reading  me. 

With love

Kerry <3

PS Here is the book - available for the pre-release price of $23.95 including postage, if you wish to order  https://tinyurl.com/superpowerlunchbox

Ponderings 2016

I came across this stream of consciousness writing today. I had not read it since I first wrote it back in 2016. I've waded through it today and tried to make it more readable. The original was not capitalised and it was comprised almost entirely of fragments. Perhaps it might have worked as poetry? My use of phrasing and punctuation is victim of artistic license, alas, but I encourage others to ponder these questions too. I don't have the answers but they are things that need to be pondered. It is our privilege to ponder in this way, is it not?

Where does one begin to tell a story? Stories all begin at the beginning of time and none of them will end until the end of time. Things that happen in between those two extremes are but snippets. None of them complete in themselves but always, always part of the bigger picture. And we become so enamoured with those snippets. They take on the importance of the whole story; the appearance of the whole story. Yet there is always more to add… more coming or more that came before. Does everything, every happening take on a special significance in our lives just because we decide it is so? Such is the power of our minds, our brains, that we can take a tiny insignificant thing; a word spoken, a sideways glance, and endow it with such mammoth weightiness in our lives. Yet all are as nothing if we choose to make them so.

This simple fact gives us a great deal of say in how happy we are with life. We can choose to put some apparent enormity in terms of human relationship or human communication into the box marked 'nothing'. Then it can be closed in, made to disappear into the ether as it were, as a lantern floating silent into the night sky. Higher and more distant with each passing breath, until it disappears from sight, perhaps even from memory. Ah such power we have. But do we use it? Some of us perhaps and some more than others, but I think it is probably true that most of us are unaware of the power this gives us…or at least we forget. We forget to use it even when we know it is there.

Ah such silly creatures we can be. We are mostly so engulfed by what is happening around us that we forget. Who we are and what we are capable of. What our true talents are. Instead we fuss and worry and ruminate over vast tracts of 'nothing' in our lives. He said. She said. They think. They want.

Hang on! What do you want? Do you want to give your life away like that? Do you want all your power to lay dormant while you waste your energy trying to justify your own thoughts and inactions? Or your actions or the actions and presumed thoughts of others? Seems a bit of a waste really doesn't it? 

What if you actually stopped a while and thought about what you are made of? How really amazing it is that you even exist in this time and moment and that you are so much a part of everything else as everything else is also a part of you in some way. If you can accept that every story begins at the beginning of time and that it ends not until the end of time then is not every single thing a part of that?

What if you could really comprehend that and begin to see that it is all really a magic symphony being played out by the energies that exist. You play a part in it all. Your thoughts, your actions are all part of the whole. But the whole is so immense that how can you rightly place such significance in your ruffled feathers?  Your offence at not being invited? Being passed over for a job or a part in something? For not winning the prize? It is part of the experience. How often do things that seem so bad, that we believe are the end for us in some way, turn out to be catalysts for some new happening that we might then call a blessing?

We experience tragedy in our lives and see it in the lives around us. How do we determine that something is a tragedy? Is it determined by the magnitude of hurt, physical and emotional, or by perceived ripple effect? The ‘what might come next’? We tend to create futures before they have a chance to happen. Have you noticed that? We create six possible outcomes and experience all the worry and emotional response to those outcomes before anything has happened beyond the present moment. From there we create our own distress and pain. Is it possible to live life any other way? To take back, not so much control but, our birthright to be just part of it all and not the centre. Not the focus but just a thread in the great weaving of life; a tiny fine thread amongst millions, no billions of others. Weaving this way and that, in and out of each other. Worrying, wondering. Wandering. Sigh.

How can we make sense of being part of a world in which we are both so big and so infinitesimally small? How can we internalise the knowing of both so that we can live in a way that is more comfortable. Disease. Dis-ease. It is rife. We are uncomfortable with our beliefs about ourselves and about life. 

We compare ourselves with others who have done more or less than us. And determine our personal worth in accordance with our discoveries. We compare ourselves with others who have more or less than us, and determine our personal wealth in accordance with our discoveries. We compare ourselves with others who inhabit different bodies, who are fatter, thinner, browner, yellower, pinker, taller, shorter, fitter, less fit, and determine our value in accordance with what we discover. We compare ourselves with others who have more education or less education than we have, and determine our capabilities in accordance with what we discover. Who chooses the rules we use for working all this out? And why do we follow them so willingly? Blindly even. 

How often do you question your first responses to others? Do you assess, judge, decide what others are like and where they fit on this constructed hierarchy we use, in comparison to you? Do you treat each person differently in accordance with what you discover when you do that? I suspect that most of us do without giving it a second thought.

It’s a big deal when people say they treat the cleaner, or the janitor, with the same friendly greeting as they give the CEO. But isn't that the natural thing to do? Does it make a difference who? Could it be that the janitor is more worthy of a respectful greeting than the CEO? In some cases perhaps… I will not make a judgment here. These are my thoughts and ideas. Make of them what you will. But is it really some level of self-interest that causes us to differentiate in this way?  We almost invariably give more respect to those that appear to have more power than us; perhaps because that is the position we would like to be in ourselves one day. And it seems to be true that you must be 'in' with the crowd you want to identify with, especially if you are not yet where you want to be.

But it's all so small, so worthless. Because your story, though it goes back to the beginning of time and follows through to the end of time, isn't going to make a difference! Because in the end, if there is indeed an end of some sort, there will be nothing as it has been deemed by both science and religion that there was nothing in the first instance. How foolish we are to think on these things and to worry ourselves and waste precious resources chasings ghosts and rainbows. What if we could slow down enough to see just how crazy it all is?

I know we can justify our position from this and that point of view. But that is all it is. A Point Of View. Change your glasses, change your lenses and see things differently. Can you do that? Would you do that? 

Is physical comfort the most important thing you can aspire to? It’s a big question. It is the thing most of our lives are dedicated to if you really examine it well. So what do we need to be physically comfortable? A measure of fitness, a measure of food and water, a measure of freedom from biting insects and a physical barrier between us and the elements, a measure of warmth. With these things we can then sit and ponder life. But what of those who spend their whole lives, day after day, missing out on these? Are they less than those of us who have it all? To have attained or to have been given what are perhaps the most basic needs for human life or at least tolerable human life. Many have not these things. No access to them and no hope of gaining them. What is life like for those people? What is it like to not have seen television or the internet or a mobile phone? I question this only because these things have become so ubiquitous in our society. It’s an attempt to get you to think. For many of us life comes to a standstill if the power goes off or when the internet is down…or even sluggish. We tend to live in our own world and expect that even if others have lives that are different to ours in some ways that they are just as comfortable.

Do you really think that is true? Have you ever stopped to think about it? What makes us live so thoroughly invested in our own welfare to the detriment of others? Why are we unwilling to acknowledge, or worse even consider that we might play a part in their discomfort with our insatiable desire for more comfort? What can we do to shift this? Is it indeed necessary? If everything is part of everything else, is my discontent with so much perhaps somehow also their pain and suffering from lack? Does it even matter? Can I make any difference?

It is all so big. It is all so orchestrated by those 'at the top'. I cannot judge them. I have more than I need. Life is not always easy but if I only took what I needed it probably would be. I am tired. I have a headache. I am tired of thinking and of things being so unfair. I am tired of the glitz and glamour and sparkle that are used to dress the world up to be something that perhaps it ought not to be. The Plastic Fantastic.

I am tired of laminating things - of putting plastic over paper that would rot to become soil if I left it be. I am tired of computers and the constant pressure of needing to pay. Pay. Pay someone. Pay the council. Pay the electricity company. Pay the phone company. Pay for fuel for the car. Pay for clothes and all this stuff that really only puts a barrier between me and life and living. It is time for change of some sort. It begins with me.

I have been sitting at the computer all day waiting for what? Outside the sun is shining. Outside the birds are singing. Soon the rains will come and there will be no sun for days, and I will have missed this opportunity.

Be kind. It is all you.

Kerry 

Postscript: The irony that I have played with this on my personal laptop and will upload it using my personal wifi and that I am sitting on one of the five chairs in my room which I inhabit alone - all 30 square metres or so of it...does not escape me. I am grateful. I am also deeply sad that there are such inequities in our world. I am curious to see how you will respond to this. Perhaps you will think I am mad?

My Goals - What I want from life

Goals. It's important to have goals. I came across this 'poster' some months ago and stuck it on the wall. I read it through absent-mindedly and didn't think about it much really at the time. I wrote it a long time ago. Long enough ago that I still had a colour printer to create it and that is going back quite a few years. Said printer is on a chair outside on the verandah, daring me to one day invest the $300 odd that it takes to furnish it with ink cartridges. I don't know what to do with it. I don't know if it would even work any more.

Anyway, a couple of days ago I was tidying and creating a space for writing and I stuck it up on the wall there where I could see it. And I've been paying it a bit more attention. Eight simple goals written from the heart and from desire...and remarkably, they haven't changed in the time that has passed. Perhaps they are almost universal goals. Most of us wish for wellness in body, mind and soul, good relationships, to make our mark in the world (to leave a legacy of some sort perhaps), to spend time with loved ones, to be happy. Funnily enough, happiness didn't get a mention, but when I'm working towards these eight goals it just kind of shows up on its own. I think that's pretty cool. Happiness isn't something you can chase. It's elusive if that's your goal. 

The best thing about reviewing and reflecting on these goals is that in a number of them I have made significant shifts and for that I am truly grateful. The small increments with which changes have been made make it somehow surprising to look at where I am now compared to where I was when I wrote these things down. I think that is my point in sharing this today. There is power in writing things down. There is power in speaking from your heart to the Universe and saying what you want. It's been a long journey for me to be able to recognise what I want from life; and what I want to give to life. Perhaps that's the purpose of it all. 

1. When I wrote down these goals I did not have these things that I wanted. Whilst it is not dated (I would suggest dating your goal writing if you choose to have a go at this), I know that I've made progress towards many of these goals. Some of them have just arrived in my life - like the simplicity of the Eat Like A Bear way of living.  This is satisfying my desire to be healthy and fit. Some of them are due to conscious actions; I'm walking longer distances and have invested in better quality and better fitting gear to make that more enjoyable.

2. I'm getting back into writing. Since I wrote the list I have created this blog, left it alone for a while, drifted back and hopefully will become more consistent again as it gives me so much pleasure! I've got stacks of half-read books around the place. It might be good to make a plan to complete them one at a time instead of reading as if it's fruit salad...everything at once. I've done reams of writing for myself. Often I've done Morning Pages as I've wrangled with various issues in my personal and work life. I can highly recommend them, by the way. If you're not familiar with Julia Cameron and The Artist's Way, do take the time to investigate. Just gold...all of it. I've at last managed to gain a really nice little laptop which will make everything to do with writing easier as it has the programs on it that allow me to do what I want to. My old desktop was not doing it for me any more. Such a privilege to have access to these marvellous machines that make life so easy.

1a. Further, I've committed to writing a book. It is currently in process so I'm slowly gaining ground on becoming a published writer. I watch the money going out each month to pay for this project and watch myself with interest as I procrastinate in new and creative ways (weeding the garden? really?). There are deadlines though, set by others and I will need to meet them or it just won't happen. I've been promised that the greatest thing about writing a book is the person you become by doing it. I'm seeing the changes happening. I'm slowly relinquishing the procrastination and installing methods of taming my fears so that I can move forward with it tiny step by tiny step. I've started to talk to some trusted friends about it and their enthusiasm has given me courage to continue. I'm not ready to write about it here yet, but it's definitely a big shift from just dreaming! Or wanting...to be...

3. This year I did a bit of a woo-woo free course on abundance. I was invited to join in on Facebook by a friend and well, I wasn't feeling like life was terribly abundant at the time and so I thought "Why not?". Well, it was a simple enough process to engage in and dare I say life-changing. I notice myself being much less concerned about giving. I think I have tried to be generous in the past but have worried that I might 'leave myself short'. I don't feel that way any more. Life itself is generous to us here in this place. I am more easily able to give in more generous amounts. This is very satisfying and allows me to support people and or causes without needing to know where the money is going. I am trusting more. I absolutely believe that this is a healthier way to live and that I will always be ok. I want to be able to channel money to help people that need it.

4. Relationships are always in flux - growing and changing. It's the very nature of interactions with other humans. Reactions, responses. What I want to say about this is that the most important relationship that I've found is the one with myself. It has become more respectful, loving and satisfying. I see this making positive impacts on my relationships with others and continue to value the time I spend both with myself and with other people. I have learned to be patient with myself and with others. What the future holds I cannot know, but I hold peace in my hands and that is my anchor.

5. A word about travel - well two words - England and Finland! I don't think I even really entertained that I might go and do that when I wrote this list. But the seed must have been in my heart and oh, I do so love new places, new faces, new vistas to appreciate. It has the potential to inspire writing and this will come about as sure as night follows day. Patience and peace will make space for it to happen.

6. Gratitude is part of me. It is ingrained. I have practiced for a long time now and I know I am blessed beyond belief to live where I live and to live how I live. I have used gratitude 'tools' at different times in my life to engender this way of thinking and seeing life. I've used a gratitude journal or a gratitude jar or just to remember when I use something simple like a toothbrush. A toothbrush is a privilege. To me. Not everyone has a toothbrush. Remember that.

7. I am not always kind. I am not always loving. Not to myself and not to others...not always. But I do try and I believe with the wisdom and patience bestowed by the passing of time I will continue to get better at this. I recently engaged with a Practical Philosophy course called The Wisdom Within. It was ten weeks of Monday night Zoom meetings and it has been life-changing too. Or me changing. I am always learning new ways of being. I love it. Tricky things become simple. Simple things become...interesting and sometimes complex. I so enjoy the discussions and am constantly delighted by the introduction to new perspectives. This too is a privilege; to have time to ponder such things. I find myself at the pointy end of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs; the joy of self-actualisation. I know it is a massive privilege to find myself playing in this space. I am so lucky.

8. I can still improve on the last goal. It has taken me a long time to know that I belong in my family. That may sound a little weird. I'm not sure why it's been so hard for me to figure that out but I'm feeling more and more at home with them as time goes by. I always used to feel like an outsider. Maybe it's separating one's feelings from one's knowledge and understanding. Whatever it is, it has been me that has changed, not them. I am grateful for each one of them and would love to spend more time with them all. Busyness and the tyranny of distance play their part in keeping us apart, especially in this very unusual year 2020. Maybe it is even the various stages we've all lived through this year that has broken down some of my walls and allowed me to 'feel' like I belong more. 

For now, I don't think I need to change my goals. I will keep working towards perfecting them or achieving them or receiving them as is needed. Sometimes it's not about striving but about being open and willing to wait and see. I find myself smiling a lot more lately. It's wonderful to smile. It's wonderful to notice how good a smile feels. 

Let yourself dream a little. Write some goals down. Write down some ideas (steps) about how you might start to move towards them. Date the page (just because won't it be interesting to look back and know what time and space your wrote them in). Print it out. Stick it on a wall somewhere and see what happens. Wait and watch with interest. I bet you'll start moving towards them without even meaning to. 

Wishing you beautiful and attainable dreams and tons of fun along the way!

Kerry :)

The burden of weight and opinions (often implied)

I met him for coffee. It went well. We chatted. He was looking for someone fit. Well, I was working on getting out more and enjoyed walking bush tracks. I didn't know how crazy fit he was until we met. I didn't know what the expectation might be. He was going to put me to the test. First across a shallow watercourse across the beach. I took off my shoes and rolled up my jeans. I caught his glance at my lower legs. A brief look of horror cast itself across his face. I died a little inside. Bravely I crossed the water and next came steps up to the start of a walk. I got myself up the steps. I puffed and panted but I did it. The meeting ended there. There was no point in going for a walk because I could obviously not do what he needed in a companion/partner, whatever. We parted on good enough terms though I guess I felt a little embarrassed There was incredible value in the meeting because I realised that the horror on his face mirrored how I felt about my body in many ways and challenged me to be a little kinder to myself. 

This was all some time ago and I've learned more and grown more in an emotional sense. I had lost a little weight along the way and gained a little here and there. Ever the emotional eater I was still cramming down feelings I needed to work on. 

And then another he glanced one day at the roll around my middle. It seared my soul. I felt such shame. Would anyone ever be able to see me through my fat or would I forever be hidden inside it? No one could have known what I was feeling because...well, I've become so good at hiding. 

All my life weight has been an issue, although photos show me that there was a time, probably in early primary school, where I was lean and I presume energetic. But Mum was concerned about my weight certainly towards the end of primary school and on to high school. I can't remember how that felt. Maybe that is part of what I've been stuffing down all these years. Diets. Salads. Restriction. And I had a Nan that lived with us and delighted in plying us with sweets and cakes and soft drinks. A perfect storm. 

One of my first boyfriends called me 'my little Buddha'. It wasn't because I was spiritual. 

The local doctor's wife approached me at work in our family business. "If you come and see my husband," she said conspiratorially, " he can put you on the Dutch Jug Diet." (Dutch Jug was a brand of skimmed milk)

My husband wanted me to lose weight when we went sailing because if anything happened to me he wouldn't be able to move me. I went to Weight Watchers. I lost 10kg and sat comfortably in the middle of the healthy weight range for my height and age...for a few years.

Two women walked ahead of us on the beach. One chubby and one slim. I was always trying to figure out what my body really looked like now. This can be a problem for some people when they have carried extra weight for a long time. I casually asked which one I looked more like. He said the heavier one. I was devastated. 

"If you lose another 5kg," he said, "you'll be in the top ten percent of women for your age."

I lost a few more kgs. "I'm so worried about you," my mother said. "You're starting to look anorexic."

I had a man in my life for a while who was 6'4". At last I felt acceptable with regards to my size. Next to him I felt tiny. It was fantastic. But he didn't really care for me. He certainly didn't love me. I think I put up with rather a poor situation just to experience the sense of being okay with my body...even just for a little while.

Maybe some of you can identify with feeling at the mercy of what others think or say about the body your soul inhabits here on Earth. I want to share something with you, and possibly you've heard it a million times and maybe you, like I, need to hear it one more time before you can take ownership of your body and how it is. This year there has been a shift in my consciousness. This time is different. This time I. That is I made the decision to make some changes. I decided that I would invest some money in working this body of mine out. I tried for years and consulted practitioners in dribs and drabs, money always being an issue. I couldn't see the value in keep trying when things didn't work.

 This time I was absolutely determined to find the way to balanced good health and fitness. Nothing extreme but a level of wellness and fitness that will enable me to enjoy doing all the things I want to do with my life. You will have noticed the italics. This is the difference. The change is that I have to feel good about what I feel like and what I look like. I can't rely on input from other people to do this for me. And the best way to accomplish that is to make sure everything I do moves me closer to that end. Other people have their own stuff going on that influences how they look at me and how they see me. They have their own issues around body image and weight and ideas about how things should be. This time I'm owning my stuff and making my own choices. And I'm not aiming to please anyone but myself.

Now I'm not saying you need to change. If you are happy (really happy) with how things are...with how your body is...and not affected by the opinions of others, then Go YOU!  I realise now that people will always give weird looks, and people will always have an opinion, but it cannot sway my sense of self unless I already know that I'm not where I want to be (or I'm not working towards it). If other people speak and it hurts me, it's because I do not know myself. I have forgotten who I am. 

It is much easier to separate myself from the opinions of others when I am the me I want to be. 

This may all sound a little crazy. But I know that I am where the magic happens. My body is becoming my happy place. It gives me the most wonderful experiences and I am grateful for it every single day. I'm working towards my best self and feel well on the way. Keep looking for the way of life that suits you and helps you to be your best self. The long, lost years feeling less than enough are gone but they were not wasted because they have led me to now. 

One thing that helped me on this recent transition of thought was a question I asked myself. If I'm lucky I may live another 20 or 25 years, or perhaps a few more. I asked myself how many of those I wanted to unhappy for. My answer to myself was NONE!

Anyway, all that was on my mind today on the walk home from my Personal Training Session (I know, who'd have thought?!) and I decided to write it down because it might help someone else out there. 

Much love

Kerry :)

Finding lost things

Just had an experience I thought I'd share because it might help someone else. I'm heading out for a bushwalk with a friend tomorrow and I like to be as well prepared as I can be with what I can carry in pockets and a day pack. One of the things I like to carry is some extra battery power for my phone. Just in case. But after turning the place upside down I hadn't been able to find my portable battery.

 

I also find that writing longhand reveals a treasure of buried 'information'; unresolved issues, stories long forgotten, memories. So I decided to try using it to help with finding the missing battery. I just started with "Where have put my portable phone battery?" I next wrote a bit of a description of it (consolidating in my mind an image of the thing) noting that it was not in any of the places I had this far looked. Statements of fact.Then I asked myself where I might have put it. A few suggestions followed; places I hadn't looked yet. In the car? Perhaps but probably not. With my first aid stuff? Perhaps but probably not. Then came the basket that was on my table but was moved to the sewing drawer (yes drawer, not room!) a couple of months ago when I changed projects. Hmmm. That was a possibility. I had put an assortment of things in that basket as it sat on the table for quite a while. That is where I stopped writing and went to look...and there it was.

I'm not sure I would have looked there without opening my mind with some writing first. So next time you can't find something but you just know it's there somewhere, give it a try. You never know what might come up! 

I think this probably saved me a lot of time and angst in the long run. I'll try to remember this trick for next time.

Do you have any tried and true tricks for finding lost things? I'd love to know!