I met him for coffee. It went well. We chatted. He was looking for someone fit. Well, I was working on getting out more and enjoyed walking bush tracks. I didn't know how crazy fit he was until we met. I didn't know what the expectation might be. He was going to put me to the test. First across a shallow watercourse across the beach. I took off my shoes and rolled up my jeans. I caught his glance at my lower legs. A brief look of horror cast itself across his face. I died a little inside. Bravely I crossed the water and next came steps up to the start of a walk. I got myself up the steps. I puffed and panted but I did it. The meeting ended there. There was no point in going for a walk because I could obviously not do what he needed in a companion/partner, whatever. We parted on good enough terms though I guess I felt a little embarrassed There was incredible value in the meeting because I realised that the horror on his face mirrored how I felt about my body in many ways and challenged me to be a little kinder to myself.
This was all some time ago and I've learned more and grown more in an emotional sense. I had lost a little weight along the way and gained a little here and there. Ever the emotional eater I was still cramming down feelings I needed to work on.
And then another he glanced one day at the roll around my middle. It seared my soul. I felt such shame. Would anyone ever be able to see me through my fat or would I forever be hidden inside it? No one could have known what I was feeling because...well, I've become so good at hiding.
All my life weight has been an issue, although photos show me that there was a time, probably in early primary school, where I was lean and I presume energetic. But Mum was concerned about my weight certainly towards the end of primary school and on to high school. I can't remember how that felt. Maybe that is part of what I've been stuffing down all these years. Diets. Salads. Restriction. And I had a Nan that lived with us and delighted in plying us with sweets and cakes and soft drinks. A perfect storm.
One of my first boyfriends called me 'my little Buddha'. It wasn't because I was spiritual.
The local doctor's wife approached me at work in our family business. "If you come and see my husband," she said conspiratorially, " he can put you on the Dutch Jug Diet." (Dutch Jug was a brand of skimmed milk)
My husband wanted me to lose weight when we went sailing because if anything happened to me he wouldn't be able to move me. I went to Weight Watchers. I lost 10kg and sat comfortably in the middle of the healthy weight range for my height and age...for a few years.
Two women walked ahead of us on the beach. One chubby and one slim. I was always trying to figure out what my body really looked like now. This can be a problem for some people when they have carried extra weight for a long time. I casually asked which one I looked more like. He said the heavier one. I was devastated.
"If you lose another 5kg," he said, "you'll be in the top ten percent of women for your age."
I lost a few more kgs. "I'm so worried about you," my mother said. "You're starting to look anorexic."
I had a man in my life for a while who was 6'4". At last I felt acceptable with regards to my size. Next to him I felt tiny. It was fantastic. But he didn't really care for me. He certainly didn't love me. I think I put up with rather a poor situation just to experience the sense of being okay with my body...even just for a little while.
Maybe some of you can identify with feeling at the mercy of what others think or say about the body your soul inhabits here on Earth. I want to share something with you, and possibly you've heard it a million times and maybe you, like I, need to hear it one more time before you can take ownership of your body and how it is. This year there has been a shift in my consciousness. This time is different. This time I. That is I made the decision to make some changes. I decided that I would invest some money in working this body of mine out. I tried for years and consulted practitioners in dribs and drabs, money always being an issue. I couldn't see the value in keep trying when things didn't work.
This time I was absolutely determined to find the way to balanced good health and fitness. Nothing extreme but a level of wellness and fitness that will enable me to enjoy doing all the things I want to do with my life. You will have noticed the italics. This is the difference. The change is that I have to feel good about what I feel like and what I look like. I can't rely on input from other people to do this for me. And the best way to accomplish that is to make sure everything I do moves me closer to that end. Other people have their own stuff going on that influences how they look at me and how they see me. They have their own issues around body image and weight and ideas about how things should be. This time I'm owning my stuff and making my own choices. And I'm not aiming to please anyone but myself.
Now I'm not saying you need to change. If you are happy (really happy) with how things are...with how your body is...and not affected by the opinions of others, then Go YOU! I realise now that people will always give weird looks, and people will always have an opinion, but it cannot sway my sense of self unless I already know that I'm not where I want to be (or I'm not working towards it). If other people speak and it hurts me, it's because I do not know myself. I have forgotten who I am.
It is much easier to separate myself from the opinions of others when I am the me I want to be.
This may all sound a little crazy. But I know that I am where the magic happens. My body is becoming my happy place. It gives me the most wonderful experiences and I am grateful for it every single day. I'm working towards my best self and feel well on the way. Keep looking for the way of life that suits you and helps you to be your best self. The long, lost years feeling less than enough are gone but they were not wasted because they have led me to now.
One thing that helped me on this recent transition of thought was a question I asked myself. If I'm lucky I may live another 20 or 25 years, or perhaps a few more. I asked myself how many of those I wanted to unhappy for. My answer to myself was NONE!
Anyway, all that was on my mind today on the walk home from my Personal Training Session (I know, who'd have thought?!) and I decided to write it down because it might help someone else out there.
Much love
Kerry :)
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