My Goals - What I want from life

Goals. It's important to have goals. I came across this 'poster' some months ago and stuck it on the wall. I read it through absent-mindedly and didn't think about it much really at the time. I wrote it a long time ago. Long enough ago that I still had a colour printer to create it and that is going back quite a few years. Said printer is on a chair outside on the verandah, daring me to one day invest the $300 odd that it takes to furnish it with ink cartridges. I don't know what to do with it. I don't know if it would even work any more.

Anyway, a couple of days ago I was tidying and creating a space for writing and I stuck it up on the wall there where I could see it. And I've been paying it a bit more attention. Eight simple goals written from the heart and from desire...and remarkably, they haven't changed in the time that has passed. Perhaps they are almost universal goals. Most of us wish for wellness in body, mind and soul, good relationships, to make our mark in the world (to leave a legacy of some sort perhaps), to spend time with loved ones, to be happy. Funnily enough, happiness didn't get a mention, but when I'm working towards these eight goals it just kind of shows up on its own. I think that's pretty cool. Happiness isn't something you can chase. It's elusive if that's your goal. 

The best thing about reviewing and reflecting on these goals is that in a number of them I have made significant shifts and for that I am truly grateful. The small increments with which changes have been made make it somehow surprising to look at where I am now compared to where I was when I wrote these things down. I think that is my point in sharing this today. There is power in writing things down. There is power in speaking from your heart to the Universe and saying what you want. It's been a long journey for me to be able to recognise what I want from life; and what I want to give to life. Perhaps that's the purpose of it all. 

1. When I wrote down these goals I did not have these things that I wanted. Whilst it is not dated (I would suggest dating your goal writing if you choose to have a go at this), I know that I've made progress towards many of these goals. Some of them have just arrived in my life - like the simplicity of the Eat Like A Bear way of living.  This is satisfying my desire to be healthy and fit. Some of them are due to conscious actions; I'm walking longer distances and have invested in better quality and better fitting gear to make that more enjoyable.

2. I'm getting back into writing. Since I wrote the list I have created this blog, left it alone for a while, drifted back and hopefully will become more consistent again as it gives me so much pleasure! I've got stacks of half-read books around the place. It might be good to make a plan to complete them one at a time instead of reading as if it's fruit salad...everything at once. I've done reams of writing for myself. Often I've done Morning Pages as I've wrangled with various issues in my personal and work life. I can highly recommend them, by the way. If you're not familiar with Julia Cameron and The Artist's Way, do take the time to investigate. Just gold...all of it. I've at last managed to gain a really nice little laptop which will make everything to do with writing easier as it has the programs on it that allow me to do what I want to. My old desktop was not doing it for me any more. Such a privilege to have access to these marvellous machines that make life so easy.

1a. Further, I've committed to writing a book. It is currently in process so I'm slowly gaining ground on becoming a published writer. I watch the money going out each month to pay for this project and watch myself with interest as I procrastinate in new and creative ways (weeding the garden? really?). There are deadlines though, set by others and I will need to meet them or it just won't happen. I've been promised that the greatest thing about writing a book is the person you become by doing it. I'm seeing the changes happening. I'm slowly relinquishing the procrastination and installing methods of taming my fears so that I can move forward with it tiny step by tiny step. I've started to talk to some trusted friends about it and their enthusiasm has given me courage to continue. I'm not ready to write about it here yet, but it's definitely a big shift from just dreaming! Or wanting...to be...

3. This year I did a bit of a woo-woo free course on abundance. I was invited to join in on Facebook by a friend and well, I wasn't feeling like life was terribly abundant at the time and so I thought "Why not?". Well, it was a simple enough process to engage in and dare I say life-changing. I notice myself being much less concerned about giving. I think I have tried to be generous in the past but have worried that I might 'leave myself short'. I don't feel that way any more. Life itself is generous to us here in this place. I am more easily able to give in more generous amounts. This is very satisfying and allows me to support people and or causes without needing to know where the money is going. I am trusting more. I absolutely believe that this is a healthier way to live and that I will always be ok. I want to be able to channel money to help people that need it.

4. Relationships are always in flux - growing and changing. It's the very nature of interactions with other humans. Reactions, responses. What I want to say about this is that the most important relationship that I've found is the one with myself. It has become more respectful, loving and satisfying. I see this making positive impacts on my relationships with others and continue to value the time I spend both with myself and with other people. I have learned to be patient with myself and with others. What the future holds I cannot know, but I hold peace in my hands and that is my anchor.

5. A word about travel - well two words - England and Finland! I don't think I even really entertained that I might go and do that when I wrote this list. But the seed must have been in my heart and oh, I do so love new places, new faces, new vistas to appreciate. It has the potential to inspire writing and this will come about as sure as night follows day. Patience and peace will make space for it to happen.

6. Gratitude is part of me. It is ingrained. I have practiced for a long time now and I know I am blessed beyond belief to live where I live and to live how I live. I have used gratitude 'tools' at different times in my life to engender this way of thinking and seeing life. I've used a gratitude journal or a gratitude jar or just to remember when I use something simple like a toothbrush. A toothbrush is a privilege. To me. Not everyone has a toothbrush. Remember that.

7. I am not always kind. I am not always loving. Not to myself and not to others...not always. But I do try and I believe with the wisdom and patience bestowed by the passing of time I will continue to get better at this. I recently engaged with a Practical Philosophy course called The Wisdom Within. It was ten weeks of Monday night Zoom meetings and it has been life-changing too. Or me changing. I am always learning new ways of being. I love it. Tricky things become simple. Simple things become...interesting and sometimes complex. I so enjoy the discussions and am constantly delighted by the introduction to new perspectives. This too is a privilege; to have time to ponder such things. I find myself at the pointy end of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs; the joy of self-actualisation. I know it is a massive privilege to find myself playing in this space. I am so lucky.

8. I can still improve on the last goal. It has taken me a long time to know that I belong in my family. That may sound a little weird. I'm not sure why it's been so hard for me to figure that out but I'm feeling more and more at home with them as time goes by. I always used to feel like an outsider. Maybe it's separating one's feelings from one's knowledge and understanding. Whatever it is, it has been me that has changed, not them. I am grateful for each one of them and would love to spend more time with them all. Busyness and the tyranny of distance play their part in keeping us apart, especially in this very unusual year 2020. Maybe it is even the various stages we've all lived through this year that has broken down some of my walls and allowed me to 'feel' like I belong more. 

For now, I don't think I need to change my goals. I will keep working towards perfecting them or achieving them or receiving them as is needed. Sometimes it's not about striving but about being open and willing to wait and see. I find myself smiling a lot more lately. It's wonderful to smile. It's wonderful to notice how good a smile feels. 

Let yourself dream a little. Write some goals down. Write down some ideas (steps) about how you might start to move towards them. Date the page (just because won't it be interesting to look back and know what time and space your wrote them in). Print it out. Stick it on a wall somewhere and see what happens. Wait and watch with interest. I bet you'll start moving towards them without even meaning to. 

Wishing you beautiful and attainable dreams and tons of fun along the way!

Kerry :)

The burden of weight and opinions (often implied)

I met him for coffee. It went well. We chatted. He was looking for someone fit. Well, I was working on getting out more and enjoyed walking bush tracks. I didn't know how crazy fit he was until we met. I didn't know what the expectation might be. He was going to put me to the test. First across a shallow watercourse across the beach. I took off my shoes and rolled up my jeans. I caught his glance at my lower legs. A brief look of horror cast itself across his face. I died a little inside. Bravely I crossed the water and next came steps up to the start of a walk. I got myself up the steps. I puffed and panted but I did it. The meeting ended there. There was no point in going for a walk because I could obviously not do what he needed in a companion/partner, whatever. We parted on good enough terms though I guess I felt a little embarrassed There was incredible value in the meeting because I realised that the horror on his face mirrored how I felt about my body in many ways and challenged me to be a little kinder to myself. 

This was all some time ago and I've learned more and grown more in an emotional sense. I had lost a little weight along the way and gained a little here and there. Ever the emotional eater I was still cramming down feelings I needed to work on. 

And then another he glanced one day at the roll around my middle. It seared my soul. I felt such shame. Would anyone ever be able to see me through my fat or would I forever be hidden inside it? No one could have known what I was feeling because...well, I've become so good at hiding. 

All my life weight has been an issue, although photos show me that there was a time, probably in early primary school, where I was lean and I presume energetic. But Mum was concerned about my weight certainly towards the end of primary school and on to high school. I can't remember how that felt. Maybe that is part of what I've been stuffing down all these years. Diets. Salads. Restriction. And I had a Nan that lived with us and delighted in plying us with sweets and cakes and soft drinks. A perfect storm. 

One of my first boyfriends called me 'my little Buddha'. It wasn't because I was spiritual. 

The local doctor's wife approached me at work in our family business. "If you come and see my husband," she said conspiratorially, " he can put you on the Dutch Jug Diet." (Dutch Jug was a brand of skimmed milk)

My husband wanted me to lose weight when we went sailing because if anything happened to me he wouldn't be able to move me. I went to Weight Watchers. I lost 10kg and sat comfortably in the middle of the healthy weight range for my height and age...for a few years.

Two women walked ahead of us on the beach. One chubby and one slim. I was always trying to figure out what my body really looked like now. This can be a problem for some people when they have carried extra weight for a long time. I casually asked which one I looked more like. He said the heavier one. I was devastated. 

"If you lose another 5kg," he said, "you'll be in the top ten percent of women for your age."

I lost a few more kgs. "I'm so worried about you," my mother said. "You're starting to look anorexic."

I had a man in my life for a while who was 6'4". At last I felt acceptable with regards to my size. Next to him I felt tiny. It was fantastic. But he didn't really care for me. He certainly didn't love me. I think I put up with rather a poor situation just to experience the sense of being okay with my body...even just for a little while.

Maybe some of you can identify with feeling at the mercy of what others think or say about the body your soul inhabits here on Earth. I want to share something with you, and possibly you've heard it a million times and maybe you, like I, need to hear it one more time before you can take ownership of your body and how it is. This year there has been a shift in my consciousness. This time is different. This time I. That is I made the decision to make some changes. I decided that I would invest some money in working this body of mine out. I tried for years and consulted practitioners in dribs and drabs, money always being an issue. I couldn't see the value in keep trying when things didn't work.

 This time I was absolutely determined to find the way to balanced good health and fitness. Nothing extreme but a level of wellness and fitness that will enable me to enjoy doing all the things I want to do with my life. You will have noticed the italics. This is the difference. The change is that I have to feel good about what I feel like and what I look like. I can't rely on input from other people to do this for me. And the best way to accomplish that is to make sure everything I do moves me closer to that end. Other people have their own stuff going on that influences how they look at me and how they see me. They have their own issues around body image and weight and ideas about how things should be. This time I'm owning my stuff and making my own choices. And I'm not aiming to please anyone but myself.

Now I'm not saying you need to change. If you are happy (really happy) with how things are...with how your body is...and not affected by the opinions of others, then Go YOU!  I realise now that people will always give weird looks, and people will always have an opinion, but it cannot sway my sense of self unless I already know that I'm not where I want to be (or I'm not working towards it). If other people speak and it hurts me, it's because I do not know myself. I have forgotten who I am. 

It is much easier to separate myself from the opinions of others when I am the me I want to be. 

This may all sound a little crazy. But I know that I am where the magic happens. My body is becoming my happy place. It gives me the most wonderful experiences and I am grateful for it every single day. I'm working towards my best self and feel well on the way. Keep looking for the way of life that suits you and helps you to be your best self. The long, lost years feeling less than enough are gone but they were not wasted because they have led me to now. 

One thing that helped me on this recent transition of thought was a question I asked myself. If I'm lucky I may live another 20 or 25 years, or perhaps a few more. I asked myself how many of those I wanted to unhappy for. My answer to myself was NONE!

Anyway, all that was on my mind today on the walk home from my Personal Training Session (I know, who'd have thought?!) and I decided to write it down because it might help someone else out there. 

Much love

Kerry :)

Finding lost things

Just had an experience I thought I'd share because it might help someone else. I'm heading out for a bushwalk with a friend tomorrow and I like to be as well prepared as I can be with what I can carry in pockets and a day pack. One of the things I like to carry is some extra battery power for my phone. Just in case. But after turning the place upside down I hadn't been able to find my portable battery.

 

I also find that writing longhand reveals a treasure of buried 'information'; unresolved issues, stories long forgotten, memories. So I decided to try using it to help with finding the missing battery. I just started with "Where have put my portable phone battery?" I next wrote a bit of a description of it (consolidating in my mind an image of the thing) noting that it was not in any of the places I had this far looked. Statements of fact.Then I asked myself where I might have put it. A few suggestions followed; places I hadn't looked yet. In the car? Perhaps but probably not. With my first aid stuff? Perhaps but probably not. Then came the basket that was on my table but was moved to the sewing drawer (yes drawer, not room!) a couple of months ago when I changed projects. Hmmm. That was a possibility. I had put an assortment of things in that basket as it sat on the table for quite a while. That is where I stopped writing and went to look...and there it was.

I'm not sure I would have looked there without opening my mind with some writing first. So next time you can't find something but you just know it's there somewhere, give it a try. You never know what might come up! 

I think this probably saved me a lot of time and angst in the long run. I'll try to remember this trick for next time.

Do you have any tried and true tricks for finding lost things? I'd love to know!

An Old Letter To a Bereaved Friend

This is a letter I wrote a while ago to a then recently bereaved friend. I came across it whilst cleaning up my computer. I've changed names and places to make it less identifiable, but thought I'd share it with you. People often don't know what to say to people who have experienced the death of a loved one. I hope this might help you to feel more comfortable. About death and about talking to people about death and dying. 

Dear Angela

A card seems so inadequate a gesture when someone as precious as George has died. I can't pretend to know what you're feeling other than being familiar with the terrible sense of loss when someone who has been a great love and such a huge part of our lives is gone. I can't pretend my situation in having to cope with Bill's death is anything like what you are going through now, but I do know the loss. I experienced it in steps as first separation, then divorce, then some rebuilding of relationship, then long illness, then death.

I had already learned to live without him in many ways, so perhaps it is 'easier' for me to adapt to the loss, but still I miss having Bill to talk to. Especially about the kids. It's hard. But this is not about me. It's about you. And I am sorry you have to bear this loss.

While I was thinking about George, and about Steve who died a week or so earlier, and about Bill who has been gone now so many years, I wondered if they might find each other 'up there'... I like to imagine them getting together as they might have in Cairns years ago, to share a good stout and some rollicking sailing yarns. I like to think that energy they all had, and their love of the sea and of boats and sailing would make that possible. Reckon there'd be some one-upmanship going on too with those stories...moreso as the keg gets lower. Or perhaps it will never run dry. Weren't they all great blokes and weren't we lucky to be part of those adventures. I treasure my memories and I'm sure you do too.

Mark was talking about the rain yesterday. What he said made me cry but I want to share it with you because we don't think about this stuff enough. When we die we go back to being the elements from which we were made - carbon and water. Slowly or quickly, all the same it happens. And the water ends up eventually in the sky and the creeks, puddles, rivers, lakes and seas. And the rain. When it rains it is all of our ancestors and loved ones falling to nourish the earth. It freshens us and brings us life. I cried. And I said, "My tears, they are the rain too. They are everyone who is gone too." And I thanked him for giving me this revelation. I'll never see rain the same again. The circle of life is much tighter, much closer than I'd thought before. I feel so privileged to have this understanding. I am more thankful now for my cup of tea...my hot shower...the ocean...and my tears.

Dear Angela, I hope this letter will be something to comfort and to treasure. Words are hard to write because we don't want to say 'the wrong thing'. I didn't get many words come my way when Bill passed away. I can understand. It was a difficult situation because we were divorced. There was trouble in the family. Everything was done in a rush and for me it always felt like there was unfinished business. Over time I've come to accept things being as they are...as they were.

But it has left me wanting to say more than one can in a card. More than a few words in a card and it starts to look messy. The greeting in the card is brief. It is full of love but is also kind of a 'formality' in a way. I wanted to send a card. But I wanted more to have visited and had a cuppa with you and George before it was too late to do that. And I wanted to let you know that I love and appreciate you more than a few words in a card can show.

I have a few photos I want to find and pop in here for you too. I don't know if you have copies of them or not...but if not then I hope you'll enjoy them.

Forgive me for typing this letter. Ideally it would be hand-written but I find I make so many errors with hand-writing these days. Especially if it is something important to me. Strange. So here it is.

Typed with love.

 

 

Kerry xoxox

I see the moon and the moon sees me

It's been such a long time since last I wrote, and some settings and things have changed on Blogger, so I'm not even certain that this is going to work, but I know I have to get back in here and give it a go for the sake of my sanity. That's how important it is for me to clunk away on this old keyboard (it's so noisy) and to let my imagination take me places I've not yet traveled. In terms of thinking about things at any rate. So the moon, dear old faithful friend, is what I think I'll write about tonight. 

It's late...almost midnight. I haven't looked outside but I know we're not far beyond a new moon, so I'd be wasting my time perhaps. Although it is possible I might get a glimpse of a meteor shower. I heard it would be visible over the weekend. Now it is Monday. Am I too late? I might take a look outside when I'm done here. In the meantime, I will think about what the moon means to me. It is such a beautiful thing, is it not? I love to see it sailing high in the sky when it is full. I have shared many a moody evening with the moon, strolling along the pathways in summery Queensland, balmy breeze caressing my skin as I wondered what life is all about. 

The moon evokes such emotion in me, yet it is a ball of rock spinning in space. Essentially without meaning, without emotion. But it pulls at the water in my being as it pulls also the tides up and down the beaches and river and estuaries worldwide. It pulls at the water in the cells of my body. So small effect, such impressive effect as it brings a king tide and floats the boats high on their moorings. The moon. 

The moon photographs so well. Bright disc shining in the black of night. Digital cameras capable of capturing craters and taking my breath away with the clarity. My ham-fisted clumsiness repaired by the magic of technology. How does it work so well? No tripod in site. Just bi-pod me. Holding the camera, sometimes steadying it on top of a railing or my car and click. There it is for me to contain for as long as I wish to hold it on flash-drive, computer, SD card, phone. This thing that has so much control over me, that gravity bends to its will. I contain its image and wonder at it. I see the moon in the sky, on the screen, in my hand. 

I am less than a dot on the canvas of the earth. Yet the moon, it pulls me to it. It drags my eyes, smaller still, to its glow. It reminds me that there are mysteries. There will always be mysteries. For this I am glad. I have looked to the moon for answers to questions unspoken. I have sung songs to it in languages unwritten as I have walked in its gentle light. Maybe it is madness, haha. Who am I to say? 

Cold, brisk winter nights here in Tasmania show me a harsher moon. Not a gentle light but a halogen beacon staring blankly from above. Morning will come, but it will be slow, it seems to say. Stay awhile; the night is so quiet in the winter. Keep me company a while. I am a night owl. I like the night. It is quiet. It is peaceful. Life is busy and bustling in the light of the sun, but the moon brings peace and solitude. Well, I'm rambling now. The moon sees me. Perhaps not, but I'm pretty sure the man in the moon does. I see his face smiling down at me. He sees me and I see him. And all is well with my world.

Happy New Year...saying "Yes"

January 3, 2019. A new year. Yet where I sit now is so connected, so seeded, so rooted in the latter months of 2018 that I must acknowledge that no year, no month, no day is wasted. It is all part of a life. It is all somehow connected. I haven't been writing because I have been otherwise distracted and entertaining myself. But it is past time as I promised to write a piece on the event that started this most recent adventure. It's fun to look back and follow the string of events that lead to where I am now. Sometimes I wonder where I'd be if I'd made different choices, but then, we all know what a waste of time that is! I am where I am...at any point in my life. It's good to reflect for the sake of learning from the choices I've made, but more important to live fully today and to look forward to new adventures. Today though, some reflection.

In a sense it started back at the start of 2018 when I decided that my brain and emotions were sufficiently frazzled by the trials and tribulations of my most recent years that they deserved some down time and I declared myself on holidays from responsibility for a year. Well, from work anyway, and responsibilities whenever and wherever it was possible to avoid them. Thus it was with some trepidation that I said "Yes" to helping out someone I had met only once to help sell their product at the Deloraine Craft Fair. It was so stressful to make a commitment to something in May, I think it was, and then to find out it was not to occur until November. It freaked me out a bit but I decided to try and ignore it for the ensuing six months until the event was imminent. I had kind of thought I'd make it a year of saying "Yes" to things that sounded like fun, but when it felt like commitment and responsibility it felt really scary.

I've had the opportunity to explore my emotions around making commitments this year. I wonder why other people seem to find it so easy and I don't. I wonder if it is because I feel that if I commit to something I have to see it through. I have been trained (or convinced myself ) to think it is a fault, a misdemeanor, perhaps even a crime, to change my mind about something. I have come to understand that it's entirely okay to commit to something and then, if circumstances change, to rethink. Perhaps it's better to look at commitments as plans. Plans are more easily adapted and changed as time and circumstance decrees. Perhaps commitments are folly. I'm sure there are those that would disagree with me, and others that would cheer hoorah, she's got it! Whenever I find myself with these conundrums I remind myself that I'm a work in progress and it's going to take my entire lifetime to work out what I actually think and believe about things myself rather than what I've been socialised to think and believe by my upbringing and the effects of media on my worldview.

I went on many adventures between May and November and throughout considered my agreement a commitment rather than a plan. Therefore, when the date came close and I got cold feet, I gave myself a firm talking to about the possible fun that might be had, the people that might be met, the necessity to venture out of one's comfort zone now and then and that I had indeed given my word
to someone I didn't know very well and that she likely have some trouble finding a replacement for me at short notice. So I had to go.

As it turned out, I had a lot of fun! I really enjoyed the setting up, the selling, the staying somewhere new and the meeting of the lady's 'market mates'. The atmosphere of the market was exciting; people out to enjoy themselves, lots of action, anticipation of being busy  and the thrill of making a sale. I have worked in family businesses and my dad once said I could sell a donkey it's own hind leg. I guess I like selling people something that would be good for them or improve their day somehow. 

The Rotary Club of Deloraine must be commended on the work they do behind the scenes to put together such a huge event for Tasmania and for their town. The exhibits were housed in several venues around the town and covered everything from working dog trials to glassblowing, theatre, fashion, music and gourmet delights for every taste. Sadly the weather was at times quite inclement, and I believe it probably affected the numbers attending, but parking was organised with studied efficiency and free buses ran between venues at roughly ten minute intervals. Power was provided, marquees set up, tables and chairs for visitors to sit and enjoy food and entertainment. The logistics of managing an event of that size attending to things like health and safety, finances, media and more must be mind-boggling. Yet it is done primarily by volunteer labour. Hats off to everyone concerned. It was pretty amazing.

So, how does that lead me to be sitting in a house across the road from the beautiful sandy beaches surrounding Victoria's Port Phillip Bay rather than being down in southern Tasmania where I usually reside? Well, i guess it was more of that saying "Yes" to things that sounded like fun. At a pub dinner for the market exhibitors I got chatting with a lovely man who was a single parent with a young daughter. He laughingly said if I came to work for him he would pay me better than I was getting and perhaps I might be willing to help with his daughter as a kind of au paire. We chatted for a couple of weeks after the craft fair and decided that it might just work for that to actually happen.
So, here I am, on yet another 'adventure'!

It's been so interesting to live in someone else's home, especially someone I barely knew beforehand. It's fun helping with the market business, bottling and labelling product. I find I particularly enjoy repetitive tasks like that. It is meditative, like knitting or crochet, for me. I don't have to think too much. I like that, and it's been a perfect adjunct to my year of taking it a bit easier on my old brain. Being around to help with his daughter has been interesting and fun too. Whilst it was a busy time with markets and school before Christmas holidays began for her, we have done things like putting up the Christmas tree, shopping for gifts, making playdough for all her classmates, jigsaw puzzles, learning to use a sewing machine (only a first lesson, with more to come), attending a fireworks display and Christmas concert, going to the cinema and much more. It has been fun...and that was the whole point...so I'm looking forward to more.

Life on the Mornington Peninsula is quite different from home in Tasmania. It is busy with holidaymakers, the traffic fairly constant from early morning going to workers until the 3am revellers finally make their way home. It seems a little bit crazy to someone who only sees traffic on infrequent trips to Hobart! Shopping! Oh my goodness! Every conceivable shop and service within a very short drive. So convenient. It's a very different way to live. I've become so used to not having access to major shopping that it is actually shocking to me to see how much of everything there is for sale in the shops! It reminds me that the overwhelm of stuff in our consumer society is very real. I wonder if the average person has developed some kind of immunity. I suppose it's just a way of being or a way of thinking that gives me a this point of view. Perhaps I worry too much. I do love the proximity of so many great op shops, which no doubt are a symptom of such healthy consumerism and the much larger population here. Am I still complicit if I buy second hand? Hmmm.
 
All too soon it will be time to return to Tasmania and prepare for the upcoming school year. Yes, it's back to work for me in 2019. My year off will come to an end on January 15th which was my last day of work last year, if I remember correctly. A whole year to learn how to have fun and enjoy myself again. Importantly that will come with me to work when I go back. Working with children demands enormous energy and if we don't take time to replenish and restore regularly, we can become truly drained of that joie de vivre. I knew it was still there, deep within, but I had become unable to access it. I am truly grateful for help from friends and family who allowed me to stay with them so that I could take this time to look after myself. I can't imagine how else it would have been possible to do this.

I wonder sometimes about what life holds in store for me next, but for now, I make a commitment (yes, a commitment) to give my all to work for the hours I must spend working. I also make a commitment to ensure that I make time...not as an afterthought, not just now and then but regularly...to have fun. For me, that means travel and reading for pleasure, long walks and long coffee dates with friends, time with family just being, Netflix (how did we ever get by without it says she who grew up with black and white tv), easy jigsaw puzzles, easy handcrafts, drawing, journaling and writing, trying something new. Simple pleasures. Simple fun.
 
I don't have a five year plan or a ten year plan. But I do wonder what might be possible in a year. Guess I'm about to find out!

Happy New Year to you. May it be filled with the things you want to do for yourself. Filled with fun. There will be other stuff for us all. Not fun stuff. Stuff that will stretch us and make us grow. But in between, sew seeds of fun and enjoyment. They will help you make it through.
I'd love to know what fun means for you. Let me know what you do to keep up the 'fun' element in your life. I might just get some inspiration for my 'trying something new'.

What will you be saying "Yes" to this year?

With love
Kerry

Feelings and the wisdom of the Sooty Oyster Catcher

I'm in a bit of a pickle and sometimes for me the best thing to do is write things down. Somehow getting them out of my head makes them less troublesome. It's time I wrote here so I thought maybe I could 'kills two birds with one stone' but without killing any birds! 

Yesterday afternoon on the beach I encountered a pair of Sooty Oyster Catchers. I managed to 'shoot' one of them but attempts to get them both in the frame close enough to create a worthwhile photo were fruitless. Still I enjoyed trying and I loved watching these delightful maritime avians pottering among the seaweed looking for snacks. So free are the birds. 

Sooty Oyster Catcher - not worrying

I wonder if they have the capacity to worry as we humans do. No doubt they respond when danger appears, but I wonder if they worry about danger when there is none about. That's what we do isn't it. We worry and agonise over things that are not currently happening in our vicinity and may not ever happen. I'd love to become more like the birds and focus more on enjoying life as it unfolds and responding only when danger is imminent. Compared with living in a state of constant expectant fright, it sounds pretty good.

Sooty Oyster Catcher - still not worrying

So, my feelings have been getting the better of me. Haha, just thinking about it, when I was on the beach and watching the birds and looking for a 'shot', I was concerned about nothing else. Perhaps there is a lesson in that for me. Be in the moment. Being in the moment happens without us even realising it sometimes. We just become engrossed and forget about everything else. It's called flow and entails a single-mindedness about the task or experience at hand. When I'm out with my camera at the ready, I am totally present and not thinking about the concerns I entertain when I'm less engaged by the world around me. I really could imagine a whole life just snapping the wondrous corners and titbits of life I see wherever I go. I'd be happy as a pig in poo. 

But life has tossed me other things to think about and I have created some pretty negative feelings in response to some of those. I need to give myself a mental overhaul to get unstuck. Do you ever find your thoughts going in circles around a subject? And then when you extricate yourself from that round-a-bout it finds another issue to do the same with. And another. At present my mind is a showground comprising the following round-a-bouts (how honest can I allow myself to be here? how vulnerable?): 

• money - my supply is dwindling fast. I took a year off and well, money in a bank account only goes so far. Why haven't I won the Lotto yet? Hence,
• work - to do some supply teaching? (am I ready to go back to work yet?) 
• work - I have a job ready to begin in February which is exciting but also daunting until I get my head around the details. It will be part-time so there will be room perhaps for...
• business - am I brave enough to launch into massage therapy again? I have only to secure insurance and I'm pretty much ready to go. But feeling fearful is getting in my way. Do I have the energy to give to this?
• work - could I work in retail for a while just to get some cash flow? Can I get a resume up and send it to some retailers (everything is online these days or I would have done this earlier). Currently my computer doesn't have Word so I haven't put my resume together. I could do this at the library. I have to return some books today. I could do this today.
• home - is currently with my mum. It is so kind of her to have me here. I look forward to one day having my own place again. But I have to be working to even entertain this idea. And I've needed to rest.
• health - I am stronger and more resilient than I was at the start of the year. I'm not sure yet if it's enough. I find it easier to manage my health when I am in one place. It requires my constant attention to create an environment for healing. I am too easily distracted from my goal of optimum health. I self-sabotage often, but I am on the right track generally. On, on with this one. It is the foundation for my life.
• relationships - with family, mostly great. One very sad separation from my son and this has continued for almost two years now. It is hard but I understand. I hope for re-connection in the future. My daughter is almost 28 and I love her dearly. I appreciate every time we are able to spend time together on the phone or when I can visit her on the mainland of Australia. Mum is amazing. I am 60 and back home with Mum. It's not what I expected from life. I've learned you don't get what you expect, but I'm also learning that there are things I have control over and mostly that is how I respond to life. I'm smiling more at this end of the year than I was at the beginning so that's a good thing. I am so grateful for the hugs, laughs and conversations I have with other family, both close and extended. I am lucky to have you all in my life.
• relationships - with friends, interesting. I don't have a great many close friends and many of those live distantly from me. I know a lot of people and embrace them as beautifully human and sharing this life journey bumping in and out of my life. I love it when I see them. If there's time for coffee and chat, great. I'd love to spend more evenings chatting around a campfire, outside. I have been single for a long time. Relationships with friends change when you don't have a partner any more. It's something I've noticed. Sometimes it's hard. But mostly it's given me a massive opportunity for personal growth. I'll be a better partner if there comes a time, simply because I have grown so much from being alone.
• men - feelings. fear. excitement. fear. fear of what exactly? change. commitment. loss. grief. I've spent a lot of years building walls and recently started dismantling them. It's scary as hell but there is more of life to live, and being inside a fortress might be safe...but how limiting. I like men. I like their company. They are good people. Most of them. Most of the time. 
• vulnerability - there is a lot of talk about being vulnerable. As a woman I have to keep myself safe. it is not safe to be vulnerable. There is a clash here of sensibilities. One must be safe but to be safe one must not entertain risk. relationships. the nature of them is risk. risk being hurt. risk suffering loss and grief and that soul-sucking loneliness that follows. That feeling of not being good enough or of being knocked down again. I am the one that leaves. I have to learn to trust myself again. To know that what I have learned is that I can ask questions and risk the difficult times in order to grow in a new way and to stay. I am wiser. But I need to learn to trust that wisdom. 
• shiny things - this is my metaphor for all the things on the periphery of life that grab my attention. They take my eyes off the prize (whatever that is) and split my energy into ever smaller fragments. My passion, if you like, is learning. I am interested in almost everything that shows up and like a bower bird, collect bits of paper, emails, addresses, phone numbers, course numbers, print-outs, ideas, ideas, ideas, ideas and other things and then feel constantly frustrated by an overwhelm that brings me to a standstill and I don't get to do any of them. I sometimes wonder if a bullet journal would help. Or is that just another shiny thing that I would use for three days and lose on my desk and feel guilty about (wasting time setting it up, spending money on it, etc)?
• travel - I'd love to do more. I've been a bit of a gypsy this year and I love it! But I need...return to top of list. 

So, I have a poster I made up titled 'How to Stop Overthinking'. I can't remember where I got it from now - I made it as I listened to a pod-cast I think. There are 11 tools to help me. I look at it often and sometimes it helps. I share them here for those that might get some help from them and with due respect to the original author. I may have re-worded in some cases but it is not entirely my own work by any means. 

1. Look at the big picture - what could go right?
2. Set a deadline - any action is better than no action.
3. Start your day right - have a morning routine.
4. Take action - paralysis robs us of living our lives.
5. Accept that there are things beyond your control - centre and focus on what you can control.
6. Ask for the time to think - use time productively.
7. Don't get swallowed up by your fears - fears almost never come to life.
8. Exercise your way to a clear head - go for a walk.
9. Sleep - equals time to process information and work on solutions subconsciously.
10. Make an effort to be present - if you are feeling overwhelmed.
11. Be mindful but don't fill up your mind - deal with one thing at a time.

Wise advice and all of the above apply to me. I torture myself on a daily basis with circular thinking around my troubles and it can be utterly exhausting. Thanks to the person who came up with this list. It really is very helpful. (If anyone knows who the author is please let me know and I will give due credit).

In some ways, I expect a lot of these issues will resolve themselves once I take action. Too much time sitting and stewing is not a healthy thing. So here I am, sitting and writing down what might otherwise do my head in today. Can I consider myself free now that it is done? Perhaps not as free as the birds, but at least a little freer than I was before I began. Writing always helps.

Wishing every one of you a fabulous day. Let me know in the comments what you think...or are you lucky enough not to be stuck in your head? Can you just 'Let it go, let it go'? If you can, I think you're one of the lucky ones!

Cheers for now

I'm off to have a cuppa with a gorgeous friend...

and maybe then I'll go bird watching again.

Kerry :)