On Family Violence

 I spent five hours today in a room with 16 other people, 2 men and the remainder women, learning about what family violence is. 

Not a fun topic and it turns out that it's far more prevalent that I had realised and that it is more common in rural environments that in urban. Interesting but also a little unnerving. It makes me wonder how many people I know that might be living in circumstances such as those we looked at today...and not even be aware that things are not as they should be. 

I'm not going to lie, I had some buttons pushed as the day proceeded. We looked at what societal 'norms' require for one to 'be a man' or to 'be a woman' and it was shocking that we all immediately understood the notions each of us came up with. No one said, "It's not like that!" there were just nods of agreement. 

Whilst there have always been people who lived outside the boxes society shoves us into, the vast majority, at least until fairly recent times, stayed firmly put. Because it's tough to break through old ideas and stand out and stand alone. It's uncomfortable and it's scary. 

Society. What do I mean by that? 

• Education - pumping out workers - it's easier if they're all about the same.
• Religion - controlling and using domination and submission as virtues.
• Family - generations stuck in 'that's how we've always done it; how it's always been'.
• Social circle - you have to be like us; fit in.
• Media - print and digital.
• Television - the plug in drug (I read a book by that title long ago and was shocked by the implications)

Conformity and compliance are approved of and appreciated. 

There is a problem when women are in their box - and behave in ways that are submissive and uncertain of themselves. When they are trained to ignore who they really are and conform to societal norms. Thank goodness there have always been women who have challenged those bonds and shown that we can be whoever we want to be! 

Many women, dare I say most, have been  raised for the last several generations to be subservient to men. Kathy Lette has been in the news recently, at least on social media, and her first book Puberty Blues perpetuates the idea that a woman or girl's lot in life is to be pleasing to men and boys. Interesting. She and her coauthor, Gabrielle Carey exposed some of the rites of passage in the surfing community and Australian youth culture in general and showed that young girls were thrown into the role of being a pleaser and a thing rather than a person right from the get-go.

The problem with making women small and worthless in this way, incapable of being without a man and incapable of taking care of themselves, is that it has put them at the mercy of men who are not content to be providers and protectors but also want power and control in a relationship. 

I'm not saying that men are the only perpetrators of family violence, but it is good to pause and reflect on what have become, in many families, cultural norms. We see extreme violence against women showing up in the media again and again in this country as women are frequently murdered by their spouses or partners. We need to talk about it more as a societal problem.

Perhaps if perpetrators of violence against women were taught about the 'gateway' behaviours that can lead them down the path towards eventual violence (the disregard, disrespect, sleazy jokes, entitlement) then perhaps they could make the choice to redirect themselves before they develop a habit of mistreating their partners. Just lately there has been some advertising in this vein and it's heartening to see. It encourages parents to treat their children with respect and to teach them how to treat others with respect. 

Imagine if we all treated one another with unconditional positive regard. 

What if we actually learned how to treat one another kindly - even the people we love.

We need to be paying more attention and looking out for the 'red flags' (find a three minute read here) in our own relationships and those of friends and family. It can be helpful to know that if you don't know what to do you can ring to get support here. Remember to consider if your actions might put someone in danger or in greater danger. 

We learned that gay, lesbian, transgender and other LGBTQI+ people and those with disabilities are also at greater risk than others. We talked about violence against children and elder abuse. Not okay. Keep a special eye out for your friends and family that fall into any of these 'categories'. Make sure they are ok and safe. 

Reflection at the end of the day was that there needs to be a way to connect more with men, to talk about these issues and to find better ways to deal with the pressures they may be experiencing that can lead to violent outbursts. Of course, this can relate to women too...to all of us. We have our limits - but we need to know how to walk away and calm ourselves and resolve problems without resorting to hurting one another. 

Anyway, that's just a quick few words. If you get the chance to attend a workshop 'Mentors in Violence Prevention' then do it. If you'd like to see a workshop near you (in Tasmania) let me know and I'll be happy to pass the message on. I guess my main message is that it's important to educate yourself about this societal issue because ultimately, it effects us all. 

One more thing - if this sounds preachy, it isn't meant to be. I've lashed out at people I love in the past. I can make excuses about the amount of pressure I was under and etc. The bottom line is that I am responsible for my own behaviour and for boundaries that help me to feel safe, loved and respected. Be kind to yourself but also take responsibility and reach out for some help if you need it. 

"Not all disrespect towards women results in violence. But all violence against women starts with disrespectful behaviour."  www.respect.gov.au

Maybe start with the links above or ring Lifeline on 13 11 14

Be kind

Be safe

Kerry