Time, grief, healing, regret, some time in a perfect place...and love.

Today is Bill's birthday. He would have been 64 years old but that possibility was taken from him by cancer in August 2012. His birthday is a day that marks time now in a new way. Birthdays missed. Time with his kids missed. Their time with him...missed. On it goes. 

Mark setting the pace...me, I get distracted.

How wonderful it is to have boardwalk pathways to beautiful places.

The days leading up to 8th March are nervous ones for me because I'm never quite sure how the day will be. I write it on the calendar every year. Bill's birthday. Not because I will forget. Just because. I'm never sure whether to talk about it or not. I don't want the kids to be upset - but how can they not be. But I have to because if I don't it's as if he wasn't here and such a big part of my life. For 33 years of my life. So I thought about him a lot today.

Hartz Mountain

Mysteries unfolding for us in but one tiny place - this world is full of wonder.

I'm grateful that I didn't have to work today, Tuesdays being my 'day off' this year. The weather was beautiful and last night Mark and I had talked about doing a walk today. Doing a walk is a bit different to going for a walk. It means going someplace we don't usually go. It means going with purpose and determination to achieve something new. So today we did a walk. It entailed first a drive. 

Tiny inhabitant enjoying the sun.

Splashes of colour. Note to self - must come back in the springtime.

We headed off about lunchtime with a picnic in the back pack and drove north to Geeveston. We headed out towards the Tahune Airwalk, intending to head off at the Hartz Mountain turn off. Alas, busy chatting, we missed the turn and after a bit of discussion and "We'll just go a little bit further," we got the Airwalk and realised we had something wrong. Conferring with the GPS (last resort, perhaps we should have checked in with it sooner...) we discovered that we were 13kms wrong and had to backtrack that distance to find Hartz Road. 

Lake Osborne - treasure set on a glacial plain.

Tiny plants - Fibonacci wonderland.

Fortunately it was such a beautiful day so a drive through the forest was not a bad thing. Soon we were back on track and enjoying a bumpy ride on the gravel Hartz Road. We soon found ourselves in the more open alpine country and then at the end of the road where a number of walks begin. There was a long drop toilet and a place to register time and date and numbers in our 'party' before heading off. 

King Billy Pine standing guard over the lake.

Wonderful jagged teeth.

The walk to Lake Osborne was our destination today. A short 40 minutes return, but as we have both had health challenges in recent times, it seemed just the right amount of  leisurely exercise for a day out. Hopefully it will be the catalyst for more doing of walks and we will build our fitness and ability to take on more challenging trails in the future.

The clarity of the water was breath-taking - so was the temperature, even at this time of year. I dangled my toes for a while and enjoyed the refreshing coolness.

I thought on the drive that I could have brought a photo of Bill along so he was 'with' us. I'll have one ready to carry with me next year. Anyway, he was in my thoughts and I guess when you have passed it's good to be in the memories of those who loved and cared about you. It's good for those of us left behind to remember good times and to know the great influence others have had on our growth as people and on the direction our lives have taken. For those of you who don't know, Bill and I divorced about six years before he passed away. There were hard times and sad times and they weigh heavily when I give them time and energy. There were also many, many wonderful times and I honour both here because they are part of life.

Gorgeous fungi - part of the joy of doing a walk.

Bill, you would have loved Lake Osborne. Mark pondered why people destroy so many places of great natural beauty when you feel so good just being there and looking at them. Why indeed. It was good to see Mark relaxed and happy in this place. He sat on a rock and drank in the sunshine and the glorious peace and tranquility of this place. We chatted. Took a few photos and headed back. We didn't talk about you but I know you were both with us and on our minds. 

After the walk - so not at all taxing - just right for us today.

Time passes no matter what we do. Grief happens. It's part of life. It's hard and messy and we all have to work through it at some stage. We have to do it in our own way. This is part of my work. Healing comes with tears and talking and not talking and going to beautiful places that soothe the soul and put us back in touch with who we really are. Regret. Yes, there it is. There are things I would love to do differently. Things I would love to be able to change. To wind time back and change direction. With hindsight. How great would it be to be able to go back and change things now and then. Not our job. Our job is to live with what is. To learn from it. To grow from it. To learn love from it. How to give love and to receive love and to celebrate love. 

Divorced, teary, talking on the phone in the months leading up to the end of Bill's life. I said these words to him. The love never dies. No, he said. I know. And there we sat together on the phone, many miles apart but knowing there was love.