Seasons of Change

How life changes with the turning of the calendar pages; not just in terms of seasons affecting change in weather, but in life circumstances too. I am thankful for change although it is not always good. What a strange place life would be if things just got better and better and better. It wouldn't work really, would it. Instead we have pages of 'great' and pages of 'okay' and pages of 'could be better' and pages of 'oh, my God, can it get any worse?' And the pages keep on turning. Just like the calendar; time waits for no one. 

Nonetheless, it is entirely possible to feel as though time has in fact stopped. To be living in limbo; to wonder when things will change, for better or for worse. Be assured of one thing - they will. I am living in that kind of limbo it seems right now. Things are changing around me. I have moved house. My employment situation has changed. My family situation has changed. Lots around me has changed, even as the seasons change and the summery days have faded into mid-autumn almost without me noticing. But on the inside, limbo reigns for now. 

I've seen the doctor. 
"Are you depressed?" she asked.
No, I am not depressed. I am tired. Limbo feelings happen when you're tired. It's a bit like there isn't the energy for those emotional ups and downs so there is just some kind of limbo place from which you can observe life, sometimes through a few tears but mostly just from a place of quiet observation and waiting. Waiting as for a train that is running late. With a mixture of impatience and resignation. I am not depressed. I am just waiting quietly for the time to make a few changes myself. 

In the waiting space I am exploring ways to live with this sense of not much happening which exists alongside a life in which much is happening. But I'm happy for now to be entertaining this limbo. I'm seeing it as an opportunity to stop and take stock. It's an opportunity to stop and allow some space to grow around me to allow for what comes next. I've felt over-crowded and overwhelmed with stuff  and stuff happening. With watching the clock and the calendar pages flip so fast that I lose my footing in the world of work and achievements. I've lost the energy for that race towards nothing in particular so I've stopped.

Stopping creates space for change. It feels pretty good to be making space instead of trying to squeeze around change and fit my life into it or onto it. I'd like to welcome future changes with more grace and acceptance of the inevitability of it all. Slowing down is a big part of who I am. I'm a one foot in front of the other girl with lengthy stops along the way. Reflection is my habit and it takes time. I can get a little panicky if I'm not allowed that time. An introvert, I absolutely must have time. Quiet. Peace.

How long will it take? I don't know. Life will make me offers I know. I am currently trying so hard to avoid running off after the next shiny thing that shows up. Shiny things to me are ideas, thoughts, learnings, books, adventures, possibilities. My life is abounding with shiny things of that nature. All the time. Every day. Every night. It keeps me impossibly busy in my head but also gets in the way of making changes I want to make in my life. So I'm quieting that racing mind and telling myself it's okay to not be doing (okay, so I'm writing...but it's the first time for this year). It's actually important in some seasons of life just to be. I am following my own advice and sinking into a time of just being. 

That is not to say I will become a hermit, although the thought is somewhat attractive. Life is a gift to be experienced each day for what it is; for what opportunities it presents to see something old in a new way or to breathe in new vistas. But I'm doing my utmost best to rest in between and to not take on new challenges that divide my focus in ever tinier threads of busy-ness. The changes I want now in my life need my focus. Time is needed to establish clarity and to notice when the right doors click open. Time is needed to build courage for what lies ahead. Those pages will go on turning no matter what is happening in my inner world. So I choose what is right for me now.

How selfish all this appears as I write it. But it is just for a season, until the turning of pages brings me to a new place. It is a gathering and shoring up of my personal resources in order to be better able to contribute meaningfully to the lives of those around me. It is a journey to heal my heart. Grief and loss take their toll. Grief and loss label many of the pages that turn, for each and every one of us eventually. Eventually we have to take the time we need. Some will need more, others less. 

I'm taking time. I'm making time. 

I'm reading, exploring non-religious prayer and seeking guidance from my own wisdom for the next step. The next right step along the road of life. I hope there is much more time to live it because it is such a fascinating and wonderful thing, this growing along the way.

Speaking earlier of shiny things reminds me of a poignant moment in my life, probably a dozen years or so ago now. My beautiful daughter looked at me one day and said "Mum, you used to be a shiny person but you're not any more." How deep that cuts to think that my light so dimmed. I choose to nurture the spark that remains and walk the winding track back to 'shiny', no matter how many pages it takes.

With patient love

Kerry