Why I'm Wearing Make-up Tonight

I've been getting ready to go out tonight. Now usually I go out with my fella...or by myself...for dinner or a movie or whatever might take my fancy. I pop on some jeans and a top and flick on a bit of moisturiser and off I go. Not a second thought mostly these days. I've given up trying to look like someone or something I'm not, so I just go au natural and usually don't think about how I look once I'm out the door. Oh, one exception...when I go into the public toilets anywhere...and the lighting is designed to make everyone look like Herman Munster. Then I look at my reflection aghast and think I can't possibly be looking that bad and then forget all about it again and get on with my outing. There will always be lots of people who look 'better' than me. They are younger, slimmer, smoother skinned, blonder, darker, curlier, straighter, more shapely, more fashionable...you know the talk. But I am who I am. I am how I am. I might change in time...I know I'll get older. But for now I am as is. I'm going out...to work or elsewhere and I'd best just get on with it. Usually.

Tonight I'm going out with a girlfriend. She has free tickets to the cinema and invited me along for dinner and a movie as her fella is otherwise busy tonight. Cool. Girls' night out. Fun. Good. Time to get ready. Gah!! I've got nothing to wear!!! I botch together some bits and pieces that might be alright for a night out in this kind of weather...coolish but not freezing. My friend has found her style. That's what I think whenever I see her dressed to go out. She knows who she is. Her clothes are co-ordinated and she always looks great. I have to make an effort to look decent. I have always felt that I have no 'style'. I don't know what my 'style' is. I think it must be 'casual' because I don't seem to have anything much in my wardrobe that says anything else about me. Except perhaps that I'm an impulse buyer. Things don't seem to go together as I'm looking for the right outfit tonight. I start to dress and notice my reflection in the mirror as I stand in my top and knee high black stockings that will be comfortable under my boots I hope. Gah!!! Who designed full wall wardrobe doors with mirrors? One glance has further undermined my confidence...quick...put some jeans on. Ahhhh that's better. My nearly 56 year old and somewhat chunky these days legs are not looking their best...definitely better under cover. 

So I've got some clothes on. Now the face. Head to the bathroom. Tilt head upwards and look in mirror. Gah!! Stray eyebrow hairs. Now most of the time most people would think I have no eyebrows at all. They are so fair and so sparse that they are barely noticeable, even up close. These stray hairs though struck terror into my heart. I can't go out to dinner looking like this! Next adventure...find the tweezers. Done fairly quickly as I'd used them for something else just the other day. Good. Stray almost invisible to the naked eye eyebrow hairs removed. Should I pop on some make-up? I almost never wear make-up these days as I simply can't be bothered given the result. Most often it seems to highlight all of my perceived faults in a way that makes it seem rather pointless. But I'm going out with a girlfriend and I'm pretty sure she'll make an effort to put a face on...so I'd better try. 

I use a little concealer here and there...and there and there...and there (gosh, I seem to need a lot more of this than last time). I start to blend it in. I notice that my pores look like craters. I check the mirror in case I have the magnifying side facing me. Nope. This is the real deal crater face. Okay. Blending done, I think about foundation but know that will be a flipping disaster so opt just for a little bronzer and toner (is that what they call it?...compact powder with tiny light reflecting glittery bits...applied with  brush that looks like the little brother to an old fashioned shaving brush...). I put it on my forehead. It's glowing. Gosh. Wow. Better do the rest. A fine coat all over face, ears, neck, decolletage. Inside ears too for good measure. Can't stand those make-up lines...you know...the ones where you look like you're dressed for Halloween...in a mask! So all glowing and gorgeous now. Guaranteed. Guess a little mascara would be a good idea. Gah!!! Where's the mascara???? Think, Kerry, think. Where did you last wear it? On my eye-lashes! No - no!! When? When? When? A flash of insight sends me to the bathroom cupboard and my old make-up box. Nope. A scramble through the basket on top of the washing machine. Yes! It's there! Not so weird really as the washing machine is in the bathroom Alright. Hmmm. One should apply a little eye-shadow too. Before the mascara. Keep it looking natural though. More sparkle but that's okay. Nice. Mascara on. It's blue. I like that. My eyes are bloodshot. Too much computer. Too much television. Too much reading. Too much dry heat from the heat pump. Will try drops later when mascara is dry. Smile at reflection. Check stains on teeth. Note to self: book to see dentist soon.

I think that's it. Ready with an hour to spare and feeling like this is something I should write about. I'm okay but I'm wondering what it is that made me so much more self-critical getting ready to go out tonight than perhaps I usually am. Silly isn't it. Because in the end, my friend will be looking for some good conversation, some laughs and nice relaxing friendly company. She probably wouldn't care too much if I turned up in a hessian bag. Hmmm? Yes she would. She would be worried about me because I wasn't taking care of myself properly. Perhaps that's what's behind all this pressure to primp and powder. Perhaps it's not so much about trying to look different or to make myself any 'better'. Perhaps it's just saying, hey, we're going out tonight on the town and that's important to me. We don't do this very often so I'm making an effort to bring my best self tonight. Or maybe it's about all the advertising I've seen and heard over the 50+ years that I've been taking notice...and I'm not sure still that I'm good enough as I am. I suppose we have a culture of self-improvement in a way. We are constantly told in subtle and not so subtle ways that we need to be different to how we are. Even supermodels are airbrushed and positioned just so...to make them look perfect. 

I'm looking forward to a good night out. Good food. A good movie. Lots of laughter. I hope my mascara won't run and make me look like a weird blue panda. 

A final thought on presenting my best self. I don't really think it's about how I look. I think it's about arriving with a smile, an open heart and ears ready to listen. It's about being vulnerable enough to show my true self to my friends and family. It's about saying what I think in the most respectful and gentle way that I can. It's noticing the things I like and giving compliments. It's appreciating that everyone is dealing with being human and wearing a lot of the same insecurities on the inside...and the outside sometimes too. It's being kind to myself and to others wherever possible. I'm heading out tonight and thinking about how very blessed I am to be able to do so. To have such choices to make in life...what to order from the menu...what film to see...I am blessed indeed. Love to you all. Love who you are. 

A little PS
When my friend arrived to pick me up she said, "You look lovely!" So there ya go...perhaps I am a little too hard on myself. We talked a bit about why we get dressed up and don make-up, jewelry and so on before going out and said friend had this thought to contribute. She told me that her aunt had said long ago that it's part of the fun of going out...the anticipation and the ritual of preparing for something special in your life. It's about investing some time and effort to prepare yourself for a special event. When you've invested more effort in something you're likely to get more pleasure out of it. I reckon that's food for thought. I love to hear other people's perspectives on things...and especially their stories. I particularly love this one, and perhaps I'll think about investing in myself a little more than has become my habit of late..