This is a letter I wrote a while ago to a then recently bereaved friend. I came across it whilst cleaning up my computer. I've changed names and places to make it less identifiable, but thought I'd share it with you. People often don't know what to say to people who have experienced the death of a loved one. I hope this might help you to feel more comfortable. About death and about talking to people about death and dying.
Dear Angela
A card seems so
inadequate a gesture when someone as precious as George has died. I can't
pretend to know what you're feeling other than being familiar with the terrible
sense of loss when someone who has been a great love and such a huge part of
our lives is gone. I can't pretend my situation in having to cope with Bill's
death is anything like what you are going through now, but I do know the loss.
I experienced it in steps as first separation, then divorce, then some
rebuilding of relationship, then long illness, then death.
I had already
learned to live without him in many ways, so perhaps it is 'easier' for me to
adapt to the loss, but still I miss having Bill to talk to. Especially about
the kids. It's hard. But this is not about me. It's about you. And I am sorry
you have to bear this loss.
While I was
thinking about George, and about Steve who died a week or so earlier, and about
Bill who has been gone now so many years, I wondered if they might find
each other 'up there'... I like to imagine them getting together as they might
have in Cairns years ago, to share a good stout and some rollicking sailing
yarns. I like to think that energy they all had, and their love of the sea and
of boats and sailing would make that possible. Reckon there'd be some one-upmanship
going on too with those stories...moreso as the keg gets lower. Or perhaps it
will never run dry. Weren't they all great blokes and weren't we lucky to be
part of those adventures. I treasure my memories and I'm sure you do too.
Mark was talking about
the rain yesterday. What he said made me cry but I want to share it with you
because we don't think about this stuff enough. When we die we go back to being
the elements from which we were made - carbon and water. Slowly or quickly, all
the same it happens. And the water ends up eventually in the sky and the
creeks, puddles, rivers, lakes and seas. And the rain. When it rains it is all
of our ancestors and loved ones falling to nourish the earth. It freshens us
and brings us life. I cried. And I said, "My tears, they are the rain too.
They are everyone who is gone too." And I thanked him for giving me this
revelation. I'll never see rain the same again. The circle of life is much
tighter, much closer than I'd thought before. I feel so privileged to have this
understanding. I am more thankful now for my cup of tea...my hot shower...the
ocean...and my tears.
Dear Angela, I hope
this letter will be something to comfort and to treasure. Words are hard to
write because we don't want to say 'the wrong thing'. I didn't get many words
come my way when Bill passed away. I can understand. It was a difficult
situation because we were divorced. There was trouble in the family. Everything
was done in a rush and for me it always felt like there was unfinished
business. Over time I've come to accept things being as they are...as they
were.
But it has left me
wanting to say more than one can in a card. More than a few words in a card and
it starts to look messy. The greeting in the card is brief. It is full of love
but is also kind of a 'formality' in a way. I wanted to send a card. But I
wanted more to have visited and had a cuppa with you and George before it was
too late to do that. And I wanted to let you know that I love and appreciate
you more than a few words in a card can show.
I have a few
photos I want to find and pop in here for you too. I don't know if you have
copies of them or not...but if not then I hope you'll enjoy them.
Forgive me for
typing this letter. Ideally it would be hand-written but I find I make so many
errors with hand-writing these days. Especially if it is something important to
me. Strange. So here it is.
Typed with love.
Kerry xoxox
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