Imposter Syndrome and those annoying little Voices

The voice of Imposter Syndrome

Who am I to have the right to say what I want to say? Who am I to think I have some kind of wisdom or expertise? Who am I to expect that anyone will benefit from the things I share about my life and reflections and learning? Who am I to think anyone would pay any attention to anything I have to say? Who am I with my lukewarm life to think that anyone wants to know?

Who am I? Who am I? 

Who am I to be so pumped up? Who am I to think I can be an author? Who am I to think my voice matters? Who am I to dare to have an opinion on something? Who am I who is over-sensitive? Who am I who is lazy? Who am I who is ridiculous and self-important? Who am I to be bigger than tiny? Have you seen the world from space? I am nothing. I am nobody. Who am I who has endured so many failures and false starts? Who am I to dream of a happy life? Who am I who has not got it right up 'til now? 

You've seen the scorn that is thrown at people who dare to speak. The vitriol. The nastiness. The unwarranted viciousness.  The ones who can't see a different perspective. The trolls. You don't want that.  

The voices of the Inner Children

Don't say anything then no-one will correct you. Don't say anything because then no-one will criticise. Don't say anything and then you won't have to justify your position. Don't say anything then you will have a peaceful life. It's dangerous to say anything. It's best to fly under the radar. It's best to not be noticed.Stay safe. Say nothing. You are probably wrong anyway. You'll be embarrassed. You'll be shamed. Say nothing. Do nothing.

The voice of the Inner Adult

You have been through a lot. You have made a lot of mistakes. You have learned a lot. You are wise and it is hard-won wisdom. And still you go on learning. You do have something to offer. You do have wisdom to share. You can make a difference. 

The voice of Persuasion

What if you don't use your voice? How many lives will not be changed if you remain silent? If you stay small. If you just retire to a life of watching sunsets and dreaming? What if you can be strong enough to ignore the trolls and critics (to try to understand where they are coming from)? What if you actually make a difference for some teachers, some children, some parents? What if your voice is the one they need to hear - not all of them, of course, but some of them? What if they are waiting to hear this the way you say it? 

The voice of Reason

Everyone has a story or stories to tell. Everyone likes to learn from or be entertained by other people's stories. Even if a story has been told many, many times before, no one will tell it the way you do. Every person's experience is unique, even though there are similarities. Everyone learns in their own unique way. You will connect with the people you connect with. There will be people who just 'get' you and who will know that you 'get' them. And for those people you write. For those people you speak. Those people might be in a crowd of others who don't get you or don't like you...but those few will be so grateful that you were brave enough to speak out. They will be shored up by your words. They will be emboldened by your challenge or your wisdom to make changes in their lives or to 'get' themselves in a deeper way. No one voice is wasted. One life impacted in a positive way is enough. One person encouraged or empowered is enough. Just do it. Don't be afraid. 

The voice of Reality

I will burst if I do not speak, if I do not write, if I do not teach. I will explode if I am not able to share my thoughts and my stories. I will wither and die if I try to stay small. I am small. It is all a matter of perspective. I am one tiny voice in a wilderness. I am one tiny voice among a plethora of others. I am insignificant in the big picture. Each of us can make a difference. My drive is to write. My drive is to do this as I am doing now. To allow thought to flow and to make its way into print. It cannot be helped. 

Remember the guided meditation - so many years ago - up the winding path to the top of the hill, into the castle, up to the treasure chest. Opening the treasure chest I was to find the keys to life. All I found was a pencil. So simple now it draws tears to my eyes. I must write words. I am not to draw other than as a challenge for my brain now and then but to write words. To string them together and make meaning for others. To ease their suffering. To bring them joy. To teach them how to live (Wow, that's a big statement but this is what I've been busy doing - learning how to live - and by teaching I learn more). 

From writing I gain satisfaction. I write in the morning (Morning Pages - The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron). I write in the middle of the day. I write in the evenings. I write tantrums and love letters and notes of happiness for a jar I have to collect them in. I write notes to remind me and notes to forget. I keep notes from others. I have scribbled notes from people now gone from my life. Did they know how much their words would matter to me? Probably not. They wrote them to convey a thought at the time and probably expected they would go in the bin, if indeed they even considered it. To me they are treasures. 

So the importance is not so much on the writer but on the reader. Your words will be interpreted through their world view so you cannot know how it will be received. The very same words will be viewed as rubbish by some and treasure by others. Let your words fly out into the world to be found by those who will treasure them. The others will find their treasures another day, in other words, from voices that speak just to them. 

My voice

I struggle sometimes to say how I feel. I struggle to say right away what I think about something. I am reflective by nature. In the same way that I want to look at every darned thing in the opportunity shop, I want time to think about a thing from every angle I can find. Fear sits behind this struggle. Fear that I will change my mind when I've had longer to think. Fear that I might be rejected or shouted down. Fear that I will make a silly choice of words. So by the time I write something I have probably had a pretty good long think about it. But of course, it is still only my perspective or my thoughts. I was once chastised in a sense by an academic who despised people who sit on the fence or live in the grey area. I can't help being that way. I can see so many different perspectives on any issue and can justify many a position so it is often difficult, if not impossible to be 'black' or 'white'. Is that a racist statement? It is not mean to be. It could be right or left, right or wrong. Middle of the road. It can be seen as cowardly because one can move in either direction. Pick a side. Pick a side and stay there. Only believe what substantiates your choice. Everything else is wrong. I can't be like that. I just can't . 

So this is my second post today. Obviously I've had a bit on my mind and it seems important to share it, even if in fact it is not. I hope this will speak to someone out there and let them know that they are okay. Human beings are extremely complex creatures. Is it worse to think of not to think? 

If you are tempted to speak but are holding your voice like a burning bush in the middle of your heart, fearful of exploding or of disappearing if you do not express what hides there, please find a way to let your words out...or your art...or your songs...music...dance. Allow yourself to be fully human by expressing yourself. It will bless you, even if there are haters. I promise.

Speak.

Write.

Sing.

Use your words for good.

Comparison (don't listen to it)

A final word on this - comparison - it is the death of many a fine and wonderful idea. We humans are very good at looking outwards at what others are doing and then deciding that we are not good enough, not clever enough, not expert enough, not whatever enough. It is natural to do this. There are so many people out there doing their thing. They are doing it bigger, better, more beautifully than you. There are others out there doing it with less experience, less expertise, less tech savviness, less polish. But guess what? None of that matters. We all have something to share and we all have an audience out there somewhere just waiting to hear from us. I hope this post will help you to find your voice. Trust yourself. 

With love

Kerry