My Goals - What I want from life

Goals. It's important to have goals. I came across this 'poster' some months ago and stuck it on the wall. I read it through absent-mindedly and didn't think about it much really at the time. I wrote it a long time ago. Long enough ago that I still had a colour printer to create it and that is going back quite a few years. Said printer is on a chair outside on the verandah, daring me to one day invest the $300 odd that it takes to furnish it with ink cartridges. I don't know what to do with it. I don't know if it would even work any more.

Anyway, a couple of days ago I was tidying and creating a space for writing and I stuck it up on the wall there where I could see it. And I've been paying it a bit more attention. Eight simple goals written from the heart and from desire...and remarkably, they haven't changed in the time that has passed. Perhaps they are almost universal goals. Most of us wish for wellness in body, mind and soul, good relationships, to make our mark in the world (to leave a legacy of some sort perhaps), to spend time with loved ones, to be happy. Funnily enough, happiness didn't get a mention, but when I'm working towards these eight goals it just kind of shows up on its own. I think that's pretty cool. Happiness isn't something you can chase. It's elusive if that's your goal. 

The best thing about reviewing and reflecting on these goals is that in a number of them I have made significant shifts and for that I am truly grateful. The small increments with which changes have been made make it somehow surprising to look at where I am now compared to where I was when I wrote these things down. I think that is my point in sharing this today. There is power in writing things down. There is power in speaking from your heart to the Universe and saying what you want. It's been a long journey for me to be able to recognise what I want from life; and what I want to give to life. Perhaps that's the purpose of it all. 

1. When I wrote down these goals I did not have these things that I wanted. Whilst it is not dated (I would suggest dating your goal writing if you choose to have a go at this), I know that I've made progress towards many of these goals. Some of them have just arrived in my life - like the simplicity of the Eat Like A Bear way of living.  This is satisfying my desire to be healthy and fit. Some of them are due to conscious actions; I'm walking longer distances and have invested in better quality and better fitting gear to make that more enjoyable.

2. I'm getting back into writing. Since I wrote the list I have created this blog, left it alone for a while, drifted back and hopefully will become more consistent again as it gives me so much pleasure! I've got stacks of half-read books around the place. It might be good to make a plan to complete them one at a time instead of reading as if it's fruit salad...everything at once. I've done reams of writing for myself. Often I've done Morning Pages as I've wrangled with various issues in my personal and work life. I can highly recommend them, by the way. If you're not familiar with Julia Cameron and The Artist's Way, do take the time to investigate. Just gold...all of it. I've at last managed to gain a really nice little laptop which will make everything to do with writing easier as it has the programs on it that allow me to do what I want to. My old desktop was not doing it for me any more. Such a privilege to have access to these marvellous machines that make life so easy.

1a. Further, I've committed to writing a book. It is currently in process so I'm slowly gaining ground on becoming a published writer. I watch the money going out each month to pay for this project and watch myself with interest as I procrastinate in new and creative ways (weeding the garden? really?). There are deadlines though, set by others and I will need to meet them or it just won't happen. I've been promised that the greatest thing about writing a book is the person you become by doing it. I'm seeing the changes happening. I'm slowly relinquishing the procrastination and installing methods of taming my fears so that I can move forward with it tiny step by tiny step. I've started to talk to some trusted friends about it and their enthusiasm has given me courage to continue. I'm not ready to write about it here yet, but it's definitely a big shift from just dreaming! Or wanting...to be...

3. This year I did a bit of a woo-woo free course on abundance. I was invited to join in on Facebook by a friend and well, I wasn't feeling like life was terribly abundant at the time and so I thought "Why not?". Well, it was a simple enough process to engage in and dare I say life-changing. I notice myself being much less concerned about giving. I think I have tried to be generous in the past but have worried that I might 'leave myself short'. I don't feel that way any more. Life itself is generous to us here in this place. I am more easily able to give in more generous amounts. This is very satisfying and allows me to support people and or causes without needing to know where the money is going. I am trusting more. I absolutely believe that this is a healthier way to live and that I will always be ok. I want to be able to channel money to help people that need it.

4. Relationships are always in flux - growing and changing. It's the very nature of interactions with other humans. Reactions, responses. What I want to say about this is that the most important relationship that I've found is the one with myself. It has become more respectful, loving and satisfying. I see this making positive impacts on my relationships with others and continue to value the time I spend both with myself and with other people. I have learned to be patient with myself and with others. What the future holds I cannot know, but I hold peace in my hands and that is my anchor.

5. A word about travel - well two words - England and Finland! I don't think I even really entertained that I might go and do that when I wrote this list. But the seed must have been in my heart and oh, I do so love new places, new faces, new vistas to appreciate. It has the potential to inspire writing and this will come about as sure as night follows day. Patience and peace will make space for it to happen.

6. Gratitude is part of me. It is ingrained. I have practiced for a long time now and I know I am blessed beyond belief to live where I live and to live how I live. I have used gratitude 'tools' at different times in my life to engender this way of thinking and seeing life. I've used a gratitude journal or a gratitude jar or just to remember when I use something simple like a toothbrush. A toothbrush is a privilege. To me. Not everyone has a toothbrush. Remember that.

7. I am not always kind. I am not always loving. Not to myself and not to others...not always. But I do try and I believe with the wisdom and patience bestowed by the passing of time I will continue to get better at this. I recently engaged with a Practical Philosophy course called The Wisdom Within. It was ten weeks of Monday night Zoom meetings and it has been life-changing too. Or me changing. I am always learning new ways of being. I love it. Tricky things become simple. Simple things become...interesting and sometimes complex. I so enjoy the discussions and am constantly delighted by the introduction to new perspectives. This too is a privilege; to have time to ponder such things. I find myself at the pointy end of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs; the joy of self-actualisation. I know it is a massive privilege to find myself playing in this space. I am so lucky.

8. I can still improve on the last goal. It has taken me a long time to know that I belong in my family. That may sound a little weird. I'm not sure why it's been so hard for me to figure that out but I'm feeling more and more at home with them as time goes by. I always used to feel like an outsider. Maybe it's separating one's feelings from one's knowledge and understanding. Whatever it is, it has been me that has changed, not them. I am grateful for each one of them and would love to spend more time with them all. Busyness and the tyranny of distance play their part in keeping us apart, especially in this very unusual year 2020. Maybe it is even the various stages we've all lived through this year that has broken down some of my walls and allowed me to 'feel' like I belong more. 

For now, I don't think I need to change my goals. I will keep working towards perfecting them or achieving them or receiving them as is needed. Sometimes it's not about striving but about being open and willing to wait and see. I find myself smiling a lot more lately. It's wonderful to smile. It's wonderful to notice how good a smile feels. 

Let yourself dream a little. Write some goals down. Write down some ideas (steps) about how you might start to move towards them. Date the page (just because won't it be interesting to look back and know what time and space your wrote them in). Print it out. Stick it on a wall somewhere and see what happens. Wait and watch with interest. I bet you'll start moving towards them without even meaning to. 

Wishing you beautiful and attainable dreams and tons of fun along the way!

Kerry :)

The burden of weight and opinions (often implied)

I met him for coffee. It went well. We chatted. He was looking for someone fit. Well, I was working on getting out more and enjoyed walking bush tracks. I didn't know how crazy fit he was until we met. I didn't know what the expectation might be. He was going to put me to the test. First across a shallow watercourse across the beach. I took off my shoes and rolled up my jeans. I caught his glance at my lower legs. A brief look of horror cast itself across his face. I died a little inside. Bravely I crossed the water and next came steps up to the start of a walk. I got myself up the steps. I puffed and panted but I did it. The meeting ended there. There was no point in going for a walk because I could obviously not do what he needed in a companion/partner, whatever. We parted on good enough terms though I guess I felt a little embarrassed There was incredible value in the meeting because I realised that the horror on his face mirrored how I felt about my body in many ways and challenged me to be a little kinder to myself. 

This was all some time ago and I've learned more and grown more in an emotional sense. I had lost a little weight along the way and gained a little here and there. Ever the emotional eater I was still cramming down feelings I needed to work on. 

And then another he glanced one day at the roll around my middle. It seared my soul. I felt such shame. Would anyone ever be able to see me through my fat or would I forever be hidden inside it? No one could have known what I was feeling because...well, I've become so good at hiding. 

All my life weight has been an issue, although photos show me that there was a time, probably in early primary school, where I was lean and I presume energetic. But Mum was concerned about my weight certainly towards the end of primary school and on to high school. I can't remember how that felt. Maybe that is part of what I've been stuffing down all these years. Diets. Salads. Restriction. And I had a Nan that lived with us and delighted in plying us with sweets and cakes and soft drinks. A perfect storm. 

One of my first boyfriends called me 'my little Buddha'. It wasn't because I was spiritual. 

The local doctor's wife approached me at work in our family business. "If you come and see my husband," she said conspiratorially, " he can put you on the Dutch Jug Diet." (Dutch Jug was a brand of skimmed milk)

My husband wanted me to lose weight when we went sailing because if anything happened to me he wouldn't be able to move me. I went to Weight Watchers. I lost 10kg and sat comfortably in the middle of the healthy weight range for my height and age...for a few years.

Two women walked ahead of us on the beach. One chubby and one slim. I was always trying to figure out what my body really looked like now. This can be a problem for some people when they have carried extra weight for a long time. I casually asked which one I looked more like. He said the heavier one. I was devastated. 

"If you lose another 5kg," he said, "you'll be in the top ten percent of women for your age."

I lost a few more kgs. "I'm so worried about you," my mother said. "You're starting to look anorexic."

I had a man in my life for a while who was 6'4". At last I felt acceptable with regards to my size. Next to him I felt tiny. It was fantastic. But he didn't really care for me. He certainly didn't love me. I think I put up with rather a poor situation just to experience the sense of being okay with my body...even just for a little while.

Maybe some of you can identify with feeling at the mercy of what others think or say about the body your soul inhabits here on Earth. I want to share something with you, and possibly you've heard it a million times and maybe you, like I, need to hear it one more time before you can take ownership of your body and how it is. This year there has been a shift in my consciousness. This time is different. This time I. That is I made the decision to make some changes. I decided that I would invest some money in working this body of mine out. I tried for years and consulted practitioners in dribs and drabs, money always being an issue. I couldn't see the value in keep trying when things didn't work.

 This time I was absolutely determined to find the way to balanced good health and fitness. Nothing extreme but a level of wellness and fitness that will enable me to enjoy doing all the things I want to do with my life. You will have noticed the italics. This is the difference. The change is that I have to feel good about what I feel like and what I look like. I can't rely on input from other people to do this for me. And the best way to accomplish that is to make sure everything I do moves me closer to that end. Other people have their own stuff going on that influences how they look at me and how they see me. They have their own issues around body image and weight and ideas about how things should be. This time I'm owning my stuff and making my own choices. And I'm not aiming to please anyone but myself.

Now I'm not saying you need to change. If you are happy (really happy) with how things are...with how your body is...and not affected by the opinions of others, then Go YOU!  I realise now that people will always give weird looks, and people will always have an opinion, but it cannot sway my sense of self unless I already know that I'm not where I want to be (or I'm not working towards it). If other people speak and it hurts me, it's because I do not know myself. I have forgotten who I am. 

It is much easier to separate myself from the opinions of others when I am the me I want to be. 

This may all sound a little crazy. But I know that I am where the magic happens. My body is becoming my happy place. It gives me the most wonderful experiences and I am grateful for it every single day. I'm working towards my best self and feel well on the way. Keep looking for the way of life that suits you and helps you to be your best self. The long, lost years feeling less than enough are gone but they were not wasted because they have led me to now. 

One thing that helped me on this recent transition of thought was a question I asked myself. If I'm lucky I may live another 20 or 25 years, or perhaps a few more. I asked myself how many of those I wanted to unhappy for. My answer to myself was NONE!

Anyway, all that was on my mind today on the walk home from my Personal Training Session (I know, who'd have thought?!) and I decided to write it down because it might help someone else out there. 

Much love

Kerry :)

Finding lost things

Just had an experience I thought I'd share because it might help someone else. I'm heading out for a bushwalk with a friend tomorrow and I like to be as well prepared as I can be with what I can carry in pockets and a day pack. One of the things I like to carry is some extra battery power for my phone. Just in case. But after turning the place upside down I hadn't been able to find my portable battery.

 

I also find that writing longhand reveals a treasure of buried 'information'; unresolved issues, stories long forgotten, memories. So I decided to try using it to help with finding the missing battery. I just started with "Where have put my portable phone battery?" I next wrote a bit of a description of it (consolidating in my mind an image of the thing) noting that it was not in any of the places I had this far looked. Statements of fact.Then I asked myself where I might have put it. A few suggestions followed; places I hadn't looked yet. In the car? Perhaps but probably not. With my first aid stuff? Perhaps but probably not. Then came the basket that was on my table but was moved to the sewing drawer (yes drawer, not room!) a couple of months ago when I changed projects. Hmmm. That was a possibility. I had put an assortment of things in that basket as it sat on the table for quite a while. That is where I stopped writing and went to look...and there it was.

I'm not sure I would have looked there without opening my mind with some writing first. So next time you can't find something but you just know it's there somewhere, give it a try. You never know what might come up! 

I think this probably saved me a lot of time and angst in the long run. I'll try to remember this trick for next time.

Do you have any tried and true tricks for finding lost things? I'd love to know!

An Old Letter To a Bereaved Friend

This is a letter I wrote a while ago to a then recently bereaved friend. I came across it whilst cleaning up my computer. I've changed names and places to make it less identifiable, but thought I'd share it with you. People often don't know what to say to people who have experienced the death of a loved one. I hope this might help you to feel more comfortable. About death and about talking to people about death and dying. 

Dear Angela

A card seems so inadequate a gesture when someone as precious as George has died. I can't pretend to know what you're feeling other than being familiar with the terrible sense of loss when someone who has been a great love and such a huge part of our lives is gone. I can't pretend my situation in having to cope with Bill's death is anything like what you are going through now, but I do know the loss. I experienced it in steps as first separation, then divorce, then some rebuilding of relationship, then long illness, then death.

I had already learned to live without him in many ways, so perhaps it is 'easier' for me to adapt to the loss, but still I miss having Bill to talk to. Especially about the kids. It's hard. But this is not about me. It's about you. And I am sorry you have to bear this loss.

While I was thinking about George, and about Steve who died a week or so earlier, and about Bill who has been gone now so many years, I wondered if they might find each other 'up there'... I like to imagine them getting together as they might have in Cairns years ago, to share a good stout and some rollicking sailing yarns. I like to think that energy they all had, and their love of the sea and of boats and sailing would make that possible. Reckon there'd be some one-upmanship going on too with those stories...moreso as the keg gets lower. Or perhaps it will never run dry. Weren't they all great blokes and weren't we lucky to be part of those adventures. I treasure my memories and I'm sure you do too.

Mark was talking about the rain yesterday. What he said made me cry but I want to share it with you because we don't think about this stuff enough. When we die we go back to being the elements from which we were made - carbon and water. Slowly or quickly, all the same it happens. And the water ends up eventually in the sky and the creeks, puddles, rivers, lakes and seas. And the rain. When it rains it is all of our ancestors and loved ones falling to nourish the earth. It freshens us and brings us life. I cried. And I said, "My tears, they are the rain too. They are everyone who is gone too." And I thanked him for giving me this revelation. I'll never see rain the same again. The circle of life is much tighter, much closer than I'd thought before. I feel so privileged to have this understanding. I am more thankful now for my cup of tea...my hot shower...the ocean...and my tears.

Dear Angela, I hope this letter will be something to comfort and to treasure. Words are hard to write because we don't want to say 'the wrong thing'. I didn't get many words come my way when Bill passed away. I can understand. It was a difficult situation because we were divorced. There was trouble in the family. Everything was done in a rush and for me it always felt like there was unfinished business. Over time I've come to accept things being as they are...as they were.

But it has left me wanting to say more than one can in a card. More than a few words in a card and it starts to look messy. The greeting in the card is brief. It is full of love but is also kind of a 'formality' in a way. I wanted to send a card. But I wanted more to have visited and had a cuppa with you and George before it was too late to do that. And I wanted to let you know that I love and appreciate you more than a few words in a card can show.

I have a few photos I want to find and pop in here for you too. I don't know if you have copies of them or not...but if not then I hope you'll enjoy them.

Forgive me for typing this letter. Ideally it would be hand-written but I find I make so many errors with hand-writing these days. Especially if it is something important to me. Strange. So here it is.

Typed with love.

 

 

Kerry xoxox