Lessons from The Three Capes Track

A while ago – quite a long while ago – a longtime friend and I were chatting, and she said that she would love to one day do The Three Capes Track. It seemed like one of those things you just talk about doing but never actually do. This friend was with me when I scaled Hartz Peak which had once been the same thing to me – something I dreamed about doing one day as I gazed up at it from Ladies Tarn and wondered if I could get up there one day. Then one day we just did it. We agreed that if at any point it seemed too much for either of us, we would turn around and head down. But we made it to the top and it felt amazing. 

The trouble with doing one of those dreams is that you then need a new one to take its place – a new improbability but an enticing one. It’s a bit like teasing oneself with a ‘maybe it will be possible one day’. The Three Capes Track had taken the place of the seemingly impossible Hartz Peak and there it had sat in the back of my mind for quite some while. 

Then one day I saw posts on social media from a bunch of people I know actually doing the walk. It started to raise some questions in my mind regarding the possibility of doing it myself along with my friend – maybe it would be possible. I knew that some of the people in the group were super fit but some of them were not necessarily focused on athletic strength or serious bushwalkers. Maybe I could attain a level of fitness that would enable me to do that walk.

Other obstacles stood in the way. There is a cost involved both for the walk itself and for the appropriate gear to carry in southern Tasmania where you can get four seasons in one day. I didn’t have a backpack or a proper waterproof jacket or a sleeping bag, and the list was actually quite a bit longer than that. I did have decent hiking boots though and some quick dry walking pants, so I had a start.

Tasman Island

Social media had some input to the discussion again when I noticed an advertisement for The Three Capes Track Winter Special. I rang my friend and we decided to go ahead. We chose the last weekend (four days Saturday –Tuesday) of winter and she booked and paid. I paid her back in installments as I’d not had ready cash at the time, and we were in. Committed and going to make it happen somehow. I’m not sure how many weeks we had to prepare but there was plenty of time – maybe 12 or 13 weeks – enough time to drop a couple of kilos and get some good walking practice in. 

My birthday came along, and my lovely friend and my mum bought me a beautiful Gortex jacket. One thing ticked off the list of gear needed. I bought myself a fine merino base layer top and bottoms at a half-price sale. I had good socks that I’d picked up on a sale long ago. It was a huge investment at the time - $100 for four pairs of socks – it felt like utter madness, but they have been one of the best things I’ve ever bought. They wash like a dream and show no signs of wear and tear even after a couple of years wearing them almost daily. Quick shout-out here for quality vs quantity (if and when you can). I was able to borrow a backpack (one that had done The Overland Track) and sleeping bag (tested to -8 degrees C) from a lovely personal trainer and health coach that I know, and I put together the rest of my kit from what I had at home. A generous friend let me borrow a head- torch and one of my nephews loaned me his waterproof camera. It took a team to make this happen!

Walking poles were a must as I have a bit of trouble with some joints occasionally and poles really help to take the load off. I bought them after a conversation with a young couple on top of Hartz Peak that day, who were using them and said they couldn’t do the walks they did without poles to help them, due to sporting injuries they both had. Recently I noticed one of the parts of one of my poles was missing so my friend borrowed some from her son and loaned me her new ones. I left those in my car when we headed off from her place to head to town the day before the walk, so I still didn’t have poles. Luckily, I didn’t need to buy a new set. 

Chasm

My friend had ordered freeze dried meals to take on the walk and we needed to pick those up on the way. The wonderful Three Capes Gear and Gourmet hire out gear for the walk! I was able to hire walking poles and wet weather pants (just in case, although the forecast was pretty good) and a super lightweight daypack for Day 3 which was a 16km walk (8 to Cape Pillar and 8 back) so we could leave the main pack at the accommodation and collect on the way, before walking on to the next ‘hut’. And it cost me only $51. They threw in the loan of a plastic bowl and plate as I had left mine in the dishrack at home. 

At this point you would be forgiven for thinking that with all that time to prepare I could have been better organized. And you would be right. I have recently been giving thought to the idea that I may have an ADHD wired brain. I don’t have a diagnosis, but the symptoms are there, loud and clear. 

All the gaps in the list of gear needed were thus filled at the last moment and we were on our way. We stayed in town that night and headed to Port Arthur the following morning to check in. I hadn’t been to Port Arthur since the massacre there back in 1996 so it was with sombre heart that I wandered the ruins and pondered the awful history of the place. It was a glorious sunny day and the tranquility was beautiful to experience but underneath that was the knowing and the need to carry respect for all that had been affected by what had transpired. Then back to the here and now, there was a boat to catch! 

We had a wild and woolly ride (pretty gentle compared to more wintery days I’m sure) for an hour or so to enjoy the sights of the watery side of Port Arthur and the wildlife. We saw a sea eagle, a Shy Albatross and playful seals lolling about in the water and on the rocks. The coastline is spectacular with caves and cliffs and pristine white beaches. I was spellbound and took no photos. I was carried back to past days sailing on our boat and just enjoyed so much being out on the water again. 

Claim Your Moment - Almost at the end of the Cape Pillar track.

We also got to view Cape Raoul from the boat – so that was Cape 1 and needs to be walked another time as it is not a part of The Three Capes Track. Soon we were deposited on the beach at Denmans Cove and had to walk down the ramp off the boat into the shallows with our boots and socks suspended around our necks! There were about 25 of us in all and we didn’t know each other at that time but there had been a few brief hellos and quick chats on the boat. What a great bunch of people they turned out to be as we all got to know each other more along the way. After a quick bite to eat and experiencing the wonder of being dropped off with your backpack into the wilderness with only one way out – to walk - it was boots on and off we go! 

Well, I could continue in this vein and give you lots of details of the trip, but I think now I would love for you to explore that in your own way, and I’d like to talk more about what I found out about myself and hiking by taking on this challenge. I had a bout of covid just two to three weeks before heading off on this walk and it had sapped my energy and interrupted our training schedule. 

Curiosity

Walking with a loaded pack for at least a couple of weeks prior to doing a walk like this is imperative to build the strength and resilience you will need on the track. It will also help to prevent injury so make sure you practice if you ever decide to do a big hike. Build up slowly to carrying a full pack weight so that your body can get used to it. We did some practice and I’m really grateful now that we did. We walked in the rain; we walked up hills and we walked further than we really felt like walking sometimes. We walked and discovered some problems along the way – still at home so that we had the opportunity to solve them before actually being out there on the track with fewer resources at hand. 

One of the things I had to overcome was the result of an injury I sustained in the UK four years ago. I slipped down the stairs at my cousin’s house and went bomp, bomp, bomp down each stair on my coccyx. I only had bathers on at the time, so no real protection and they were slippery so once I slipped, I just kept going all the way to the bottom of the stairs. I had a massive bruise and walked for weeks like a child with a full nappy (use your imagination). I didn’t get any medical attention at the time and just knew it would take a long time to heal. I needed a special cushion to sit on to relieve the pressure on the coccyx bones and a lot of patience. 

Lovely wide boardwalks abound

Overall, it doesn’t give me any real problem anymore apart from, I have discovered, very occasionally, on a bush walk (and especially where there is lots of maneuvering around rocks and roots on the track so on uneven ground) I can get some leakage from my bowel. Now this is not nice to talk about, but I am sharing because I want you to know that there are ways around the problems we might encounter in the lead-up. I am not just some wonder woman who does things easily. There are often problems to solve. 

Now this has only happened three times in the four years since the injury first happened, but it happened on a practice trek only a week or so before the walk was due to start. I had been coughing a lot with covid and that probably didn't help the situation. And it broke me; I said I couldn’t do it. I pulled out. I felt terrible about it but felt there was no way around it. Everything has to be carried with you on 'the track'. There is nowhere to leave any kind of rubbish – what you carry in you must carry out and I just couldn’t imagine days’ worth of messy cleanup materials and possibly soiled clothes that I would have to cart with me. I was so sad and felt defeated by my own body. I felt like I had let my friend down terribly. It was an awful feeling. 

A short beach walk with another friend a day or so later quite unexpectedly provided the solution! I was telling her about the situation, and she said that her mother had a similar problem and just took Imodium if she was going out for the day as it slows ‘everything’ down for 12 hours without causing constipation. Woohoo! Off to the chemist I went and got some and gave it a trial run a day or two later and it seemed to work so I was back on board. Bad friend that I am it messed with all the fun plans my main walking buddy had made in the interim, but the walk was on again! 

Narrow steps up to The Blade. I chose not to go up this time.

Whatever is getting in the way of you doing what you want to do is probably get-around-able if you are willing to share and let others help you. Just keep your goal or dream or desire in front of you and keep working your way slowly towards it – even if it is just talking about why you can’t do it! My main walking buddy and I walk together quite a lot, but it is usually on relatively short walks, and we natter a lot along the way and maybe walk her dog at the same time. We keep pace with one another fairly well and it’s a comfortable and enjoyable time. 

Things didn’t work like that on the longer walk. Turns out she walks a lot faster than I do and I turned up sometimes hours after she did at the day’s destination. I didn’t want to hold her back and I simply couldn’t keep up with her so in the end we experienced very different walks. And I learned a lot. I hadn’t ever considered what I wanted to get out of the walk, other than being outside and giving myself a challenge and getting to see more of Tasmania’s beautiful wild places. But there is more to it than that and this is part of what I learned. 

Sometimes people just love the physical challenge of a walk – getting from A to B and enjoying the surroundings on the way as they pass through at quite a steady clip. Others like to socialize all the way, keeping close with their walking buddies and sharing every new sight and eating lunch and snacks together at stops along the way. Still others like to walk on their own and savour every scent and sound of a bird and notice the minutiae such as tiny fungi or a miniature flower suspended in a spider’s web or the blurring of the distant horizon. I’m sure there are many other ways to enjoy a walk, but I tend to fall into the last category I described here. 

I want to see everything, and I am SLOW. I am especially slow when I am carrying a bloody heavy pack! I am a one step at a time gal. I am a get there in the end gal. I am really frustrating for the speedy group, I am sure. Now, I know that I can be in the sociable group too, but for this to happen I have to be walking with a buddy who walks the same speed as me and who also loves to stop and look at everything. I didn’t know I needed to consider these things before doing this walk but I know more about it now. Reflecting on any experience can give you valuable insight.

 

Steps, steps and more steps! Beautifully crafted

I would never ask my friend to change. We have been great mates for the best part of three decades. I can’t change myself in that way either, nor would I want to. Being one’s authentic and true self is a life’s work. Discovering who you are truly comfortable with being is a wonderful thing and I am becoming more and more comfortable with who I am as the years go by. 

For a long walk it is really important to walk with someone who keeps a similar pace, just in case something goes wrong. You get to share the experiences along the way, but you are also a safety net for each other. My friend felt comfortable walking ahead and knew that I have walked alone quite a lot and that I am very careful (but even careful people can slip down stairs – I’ve proven that). And I really appreciate her trust in my ability, and I appreciate knowing that I can trust myself. Realistically though, accidents can and do happen. 

I realise now that if I had fallen and injured myself after the last people in the group passed me, about an hour and half from the final destination, I might have been stuck there for a really long time before anyone realized that I might have a problem and come to look for me. I didn’t think about this on the track; only afterwards when I thought back over the days. For this reason I think a personal EPIRB (Emergency Position Indicating Radio Beacon) would be a great investment for me and it is on my list for purchasing before I head out again. I have become more aware of my vulnerability. Ordinarily I’ve not gone too far on my own and only in places where I’m sure there will be other walkers but a little insurance is not a bad thing. 

So many beautiful vistas

The other thing I have learned through doing a bit of research since, is that it is vital that each person in a walking party carry all the gear they need to go it alone if they do become separated for any reason. On this particular walk my friend had carried a trowel (for emergency toileting en route if the need arose) and I carried a fairly comprehensive first aid kit. It would have made very good sense for me to carry my own trowel, especially given my particular circumstances, and of course it would have been good for her to have her own first aid kit in case of insect bites or injury. This also is a very good lesson. We can share and support each other when we are together but also must be prepared to cope on our own when necessary. 

Whilst the prior lessons are important ones there are others which I find interesting to ponder. One is that we had to provide all our food for the four days: four lunches, three dinners and three breakfasts and snacks if desired. It was fun choosing foods that would not need refrigeration and that would travel safely in a backpack and not be too heavy. I managed to eat a fresh apple each day and savoured every mouthful. My breakfasts were quinoa porridge and walnuts. Dinners were single serve sachet meals from Woolworths. Lunches were crackers and salmon in a foil pack. Snacks were almonds, bliss balls and a few eucalyptus sweets (salute to the lingering cough after covid). I ate really well and on the odd occasion when I thought I would like more, I reminded myself that I would go short the next day if I over indulged. So my food made the distance. I didn’t eat the last day’s lunch and only grabbed a few almonds from the snack bag that day. Most of the sweets came home with me. 

I would probably have eaten twice as much or more if I was at home. I discovered that if I eat protein at each meal I stay satisfied for longer. I was never over full and only one dinner didn’t sit that well in my tummy and made me restless that night. I guess I learned in a very real way that a lot of the time at home I eat because I am bored. That is a good thing to learn. Awareness that comes from experiencing something – one’s own awakening to knowledge – is more impactful than being told by someone else. I am grateful. Something to note here is that it’s a good idea to try food out at home and not try anything new, food wise, on the trail. 

Another small thing is that I’ve become more aware of the need to trust myself about the need to rest, the need to give myself time to gather my strength and the need to not worry about what anyone else thinks of my choices. I must honour myself and look after my own body in the ways that it needs me to. These are all things I kind of knew but taking myself out of my comfort zone brought it home to me in a stronger way. Let other people be them. You do and be You. It is the only way to be happy. There is nothing I need to do to prove my worth. 

Gnarled and twisted by wild winds

KEEN brand walking/hiking boots are THE BEST! Not a single rub or blister the whole way. This is also a good reason to do some training runs – to iron out any issues with clothing or gear you will be carrying. KEEN boots are wide in the toe and allow your feet room to swell as they get hot and for toes to spread out as you walk. They have completely revolutionized my walking experience. I used to get really nasty nerve pain from being in boots that constricted – and of course, you don’t usually try boots on when your feet have been walking a long way, but when you have stepped out of the car at the shopping mall. I went up a size for my walking boots and have been supremely comfortable ever since! 

When I am struggling, I go deep. I become quiet. I don’t shout about it or even talk much at all. I need time to process struggle afterwards as well. I recover gradually. I cannot respond easily to questions or suggestions from others when I am still struggling or under load. I just need time and space to process and then I’m ready for conversation again. Whilst this might seem extreme, there were times that I had to draw on my strength in the same way that I did when I was in labour birthing my children, going in deep. It works for me. 

I am proud of myself for saying ‘yes’ to this challenge. I am proud of myself for hauling my stuff on my back up and down more steps than you can poke a stick at – or a walking pole! I am proud of my friend for being fast on the track and for doing her. I am proud of the effort we both put in. 

I am grateful that I had the opportunity to experience being in such an amazing environment for four days and for the myriad people involved in designing and building the track seven years ago. I also acknowledge the people still maintaining the track on a regular basis so all can enjoy it. The host rangers need a mention here too. They were absolutely brilliant and ready to help in any way they could. The facilities were clean and functional – a pleasure to stay in. 

The Three Capes Track opened seven years ago and has been visited by 95 000 people. Only 10% of those visitors have been Tasmanian residents so I say to those of you who have this wonder virtually on your doorstep here in southern Tassie – consider doing it. Get your dream on. Think about it. Plan a few things. Start with a walk somewhere. Put a backpack on – just a day pack to start with and get outside. You will feel better and stronger for making the effort. Remember you are stronger than you think. 

The official end of the track - beautiful installation.

Your dream might be something else altogether. Most dreams promise to take us out of our comfort zone to make them happen. They call us and as we inch towards them we build confidence and resilience, and we gain the skills we’re going to need to make them happen. 

What are you putting off because you think it’s not possible? It might just be a hint of a thought in the furthest corner of your imagination. Entertain it and make a micro-move towards it. Write it down. Draw it. Make it real and then go do it. 

 As for me, sitting here today, what comes next? I am in recovery and enjoying the satisfaction of having done something that was once just a thought. It’s time for me to get life at home sorted out and my work life sorted out so there is room for me to sit and ponder and allow a new dream to float by and beckon me towards my next adventure. 

 With love 

 Kerry xo

PS The author is 64 years old (as of the purchase of the Gortex jacket) and probably about 15kgs overweight (none lost in the leadup to this walk, alas) and not remarkable in any way other than her annoying habit of saying 'yes' to things and having way too many great ideas. 

Mentor Burnout

 Is it possible to have too much mentoring? 

This is a question I found myself asking this morning and I think the answer is a resounding 'YES!'.

I have fallen into the trap of accepting help and guidance from too many different sources, and of course they all offer similar structures and things to do and think about, but I can see the wisdom in them all and have eventually found myself going in every decreasing circles as all my mental energy is used up in listening and note-taking and processing and executing over and over again the same things in slightly different ways. 

Photo by Rémy Penet on Unsplash

I am exhausted. I don't know where to turn next. The only answer is to go inwards when one reaches that level of overload. The only other answer is to STOP. And take stock. And ask oneself, "Where does the value really lay for me in all of this?"

When our energy is divided it gives us so much less to work with. I have allowed this to happen. And I am the only one that can fix it. I can see that I need to clear my path and just follow my heart. 

One of the things that is helping me to sort through this mental mess (and the enormous amount of paperwork and clutter on my laptop) is to look at my own values. This is something that we can forget sometimes and it can have a big impact on how things are working out for us. 

I am going deep here to find what really matters because a lot of other people have been telling me what matters and perhaps what I should want or need to have or to do. That just creates a massive burden of 'shoulds'. I should be doing this. I should be doing that. Today I didn't go to my banjo lesson. Because I'm pretty sure I would have cried all over the place and my teacher is a young man who doesn't need that kind of mess when all he's trying to do is teach his craft. So I opted out and I feel bad about doing that but know that it was in his best interests for me not to go...and perhaps my own as well.  I have not been practicing. But that is not why I am teary. I know this place. It is overwhelm and feeling like I am not managing my life very well. And it's calling me to action - of some kind. Tears tell me that. Breathe.

Both my physical and mental space need a declutter. 

I have started with the physical, simply because it is easier to start there and working with my body is actually good when I am in this state. Yes, it has happened before - feeling that desperate need to change something and to create the space I need to move forwards again.

It's a terrible feeling to be bogged down with stuff, both mental and physical stuff. Clarity seems to sit on a distant horizon. I know it is there but how can I get to it? By going inwards first. 

Whilst this upheaval will get messy today, by this evening I will be feeling better. This I know. I know what I need to do when I listen to my heart - my intuition - that intersect of heart and mind. I am sorry for anyone that gets stuck in the middle of my mess. I will be pulling back from some of you to give myself space to breathe. I can see how I want my life to look right now and like a sculptor working with a mass of wood or stone, I will be chipping away anything that doesn't fit any more. Don't get me wrong. I'm not cutting anyone out of my life but just creating my pathway so that it is clear for me instead of a a delta of this way and that way and this way again. I need to be in the river so I can go with the flow and build momentum.

Photo by USGS on Unsplash

I need to turn away from distractions, focus on where I am going and take care of myself. I still need to have fun. I'm not able to have fun when I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I'm in a constant state of procrastination, even when I'm getting stuff done, because there is always more on the list to do or think about. 

I guess what I'm trying to share here is a deep need to simplify my life. It really doesn't need to be complicated unless I make it so. 

Checking in with myself makes the way forward clear. Messy perhaps but clear. 

Authenticity is important. I can't be any more authentic than to say this is not working for me and I need to stop and gather myself. I am scattered. I am grateful that I know myself well enough to take this stand. 

I love all my mentors and their wisdom. But if I don't leave myself time to actually do the things they suggest properly and thoroughly I am just spinning my wheels and going nowhere.

Life is ultimately good and we choose how to live it best we can under our own particular circumstances. We can often be our own worst enemy by taking on more than we can reasonably do or cope with. This can be mental, physical, financial or emotional...even spiritual. This is different for each person and that can be where comparison can be a beast and our undoing. 

I (and you) don't need to measure up to anyone else's accomplishments or goals. I live my life and you live yours. I'm going to leave you now to ponder your own life. Check in and ask yourself how you're feeling. Is everything okay or do you need a little declutter and reset too? Check with your values and see if you're living in alignment with them. 

One of my biggest values is freedom - and I FEEL anything but free right now. And yet I have great freedom when I allow it to fly back to me. Ahhh, here it comes now.

Photo by Dallas Reedy on Unsplash

With love

Kerry C xx

On Family Violence

 I spent five hours today in a room with 16 other people, 2 men and the remainder women, learning about what family violence is. 

Not a fun topic and it turns out that it's far more prevalent that I had realised and that it is more common in rural environments that in urban. Interesting but also a little unnerving. It makes me wonder how many people I know that might be living in circumstances such as those we looked at today...and not even be aware that things are not as they should be. 

I'm not going to lie, I had some buttons pushed as the day proceeded. We looked at what societal 'norms' require for one to 'be a man' or to 'be a woman' and it was shocking that we all immediately understood the notions each of us came up with. No one said, "It's not like that!" there were just nods of agreement. 

Whilst there have always been people who lived outside the boxes society shoves us into, the vast majority, at least until fairly recent times, stayed firmly put. Because it's tough to break through old ideas and stand out and stand alone. It's uncomfortable and it's scary. 

Society. What do I mean by that? 

• Education - pumping out workers - it's easier if they're all about the same.
• Religion - controlling and using domination and submission as virtues.
• Family - generations stuck in 'that's how we've always done it; how it's always been'.
• Social circle - you have to be like us; fit in.
• Media - print and digital.
• Television - the plug in drug (I read a book by that title long ago and was shocked by the implications)

Conformity and compliance are approved of and appreciated. 

There is a problem when women are in their box - and behave in ways that are submissive and uncertain of themselves. When they are trained to ignore who they really are and conform to societal norms. Thank goodness there have always been women who have challenged those bonds and shown that we can be whoever we want to be! 

Many women, dare I say most, have been  raised for the last several generations to be subservient to men. Kathy Lette has been in the news recently, at least on social media, and her first book Puberty Blues perpetuates the idea that a woman or girl's lot in life is to be pleasing to men and boys. Interesting. She and her coauthor, Gabrielle Carey exposed some of the rites of passage in the surfing community and Australian youth culture in general and showed that young girls were thrown into the role of being a pleaser and a thing rather than a person right from the get-go.

The problem with making women small and worthless in this way, incapable of being without a man and incapable of taking care of themselves, is that it has put them at the mercy of men who are not content to be providers and protectors but also want power and control in a relationship. 

I'm not saying that men are the only perpetrators of family violence, but it is good to pause and reflect on what have become, in many families, cultural norms. We see extreme violence against women showing up in the media again and again in this country as women are frequently murdered by their spouses or partners. We need to talk about it more as a societal problem.

Perhaps if perpetrators of violence against women were taught about the 'gateway' behaviours that can lead them down the path towards eventual violence (the disregard, disrespect, sleazy jokes, entitlement) then perhaps they could make the choice to redirect themselves before they develop a habit of mistreating their partners. Just lately there has been some advertising in this vein and it's heartening to see. It encourages parents to treat their children with respect and to teach them how to treat others with respect. 

Imagine if we all treated one another with unconditional positive regard. 

What if we actually learned how to treat one another kindly - even the people we love.

We need to be paying more attention and looking out for the 'red flags' (find a three minute read here) in our own relationships and those of friends and family. It can be helpful to know that if you don't know what to do you can ring to get support here. Remember to consider if your actions might put someone in danger or in greater danger. 

We learned that gay, lesbian, transgender and other LGBTQI+ people and those with disabilities are also at greater risk than others. We talked about violence against children and elder abuse. Not okay. Keep a special eye out for your friends and family that fall into any of these 'categories'. Make sure they are ok and safe. 

Reflection at the end of the day was that there needs to be a way to connect more with men, to talk about these issues and to find better ways to deal with the pressures they may be experiencing that can lead to violent outbursts. Of course, this can relate to women too...to all of us. We have our limits - but we need to know how to walk away and calm ourselves and resolve problems without resorting to hurting one another. 

Anyway, that's just a quick few words. If you get the chance to attend a workshop 'Mentors in Violence Prevention' then do it. If you'd like to see a workshop near you (in Tasmania) let me know and I'll be happy to pass the message on. I guess my main message is that it's important to educate yourself about this societal issue because ultimately, it effects us all. 

One more thing - if this sounds preachy, it isn't meant to be. I've lashed out at people I love in the past. I can make excuses about the amount of pressure I was under and etc. The bottom line is that I am responsible for my own behaviour and for boundaries that help me to feel safe, loved and respected. Be kind to yourself but also take responsibility and reach out for some help if you need it. 

"Not all disrespect towards women results in violence. But all violence against women starts with disrespectful behaviour."  www.respect.gov.au

Maybe start with the links above or ring Lifeline on 13 11 14

Be kind

Be safe

Kerry 

Imposter Syndrome and those annoying little Voices

The voice of Imposter Syndrome

Who am I to have the right to say what I want to say? Who am I to think I have some kind of wisdom or expertise? Who am I to expect that anyone will benefit from the things I share about my life and reflections and learning? Who am I to think anyone would pay any attention to anything I have to say? Who am I with my lukewarm life to think that anyone wants to know?

Who am I? Who am I? 

Who am I to be so pumped up? Who am I to think I can be an author? Who am I to think my voice matters? Who am I to dare to have an opinion on something? Who am I who is over-sensitive? Who am I who is lazy? Who am I who is ridiculous and self-important? Who am I to be bigger than tiny? Have you seen the world from space? I am nothing. I am nobody. Who am I who has endured so many failures and false starts? Who am I to dream of a happy life? Who am I who has not got it right up 'til now? 

You've seen the scorn that is thrown at people who dare to speak. The vitriol. The nastiness. The unwarranted viciousness.  The ones who can't see a different perspective. The trolls. You don't want that.  

The voices of the Inner Children

Don't say anything then no-one will correct you. Don't say anything because then no-one will criticise. Don't say anything and then you won't have to justify your position. Don't say anything then you will have a peaceful life. It's dangerous to say anything. It's best to fly under the radar. It's best to not be noticed.Stay safe. Say nothing. You are probably wrong anyway. You'll be embarrassed. You'll be shamed. Say nothing. Do nothing.

The voice of the Inner Adult

You have been through a lot. You have made a lot of mistakes. You have learned a lot. You are wise and it is hard-won wisdom. And still you go on learning. You do have something to offer. You do have wisdom to share. You can make a difference. 

The voice of Persuasion

What if you don't use your voice? How many lives will not be changed if you remain silent? If you stay small. If you just retire to a life of watching sunsets and dreaming? What if you can be strong enough to ignore the trolls and critics (to try to understand where they are coming from)? What if you actually make a difference for some teachers, some children, some parents? What if your voice is the one they need to hear - not all of them, of course, but some of them? What if they are waiting to hear this the way you say it? 

The voice of Reason

Everyone has a story or stories to tell. Everyone likes to learn from or be entertained by other people's stories. Even if a story has been told many, many times before, no one will tell it the way you do. Every person's experience is unique, even though there are similarities. Everyone learns in their own unique way. You will connect with the people you connect with. There will be people who just 'get' you and who will know that you 'get' them. And for those people you write. For those people you speak. Those people might be in a crowd of others who don't get you or don't like you...but those few will be so grateful that you were brave enough to speak out. They will be shored up by your words. They will be emboldened by your challenge or your wisdom to make changes in their lives or to 'get' themselves in a deeper way. No one voice is wasted. One life impacted in a positive way is enough. One person encouraged or empowered is enough. Just do it. Don't be afraid. 

The voice of Reality

I will burst if I do not speak, if I do not write, if I do not teach. I will explode if I am not able to share my thoughts and my stories. I will wither and die if I try to stay small. I am small. It is all a matter of perspective. I am one tiny voice in a wilderness. I am one tiny voice among a plethora of others. I am insignificant in the big picture. Each of us can make a difference. My drive is to write. My drive is to do this as I am doing now. To allow thought to flow and to make its way into print. It cannot be helped. 

Remember the guided meditation - so many years ago - up the winding path to the top of the hill, into the castle, up to the treasure chest. Opening the treasure chest I was to find the keys to life. All I found was a pencil. So simple now it draws tears to my eyes. I must write words. I am not to draw other than as a challenge for my brain now and then but to write words. To string them together and make meaning for others. To ease their suffering. To bring them joy. To teach them how to live (Wow, that's a big statement but this is what I've been busy doing - learning how to live - and by teaching I learn more). 

From writing I gain satisfaction. I write in the morning (Morning Pages - The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron). I write in the middle of the day. I write in the evenings. I write tantrums and love letters and notes of happiness for a jar I have to collect them in. I write notes to remind me and notes to forget. I keep notes from others. I have scribbled notes from people now gone from my life. Did they know how much their words would matter to me? Probably not. They wrote them to convey a thought at the time and probably expected they would go in the bin, if indeed they even considered it. To me they are treasures. 

So the importance is not so much on the writer but on the reader. Your words will be interpreted through their world view so you cannot know how it will be received. The very same words will be viewed as rubbish by some and treasure by others. Let your words fly out into the world to be found by those who will treasure them. The others will find their treasures another day, in other words, from voices that speak just to them. 

My voice

I struggle sometimes to say how I feel. I struggle to say right away what I think about something. I am reflective by nature. In the same way that I want to look at every darned thing in the opportunity shop, I want time to think about a thing from every angle I can find. Fear sits behind this struggle. Fear that I will change my mind when I've had longer to think. Fear that I might be rejected or shouted down. Fear that I will make a silly choice of words. So by the time I write something I have probably had a pretty good long think about it. But of course, it is still only my perspective or my thoughts. I was once chastised in a sense by an academic who despised people who sit on the fence or live in the grey area. I can't help being that way. I can see so many different perspectives on any issue and can justify many a position so it is often difficult, if not impossible to be 'black' or 'white'. Is that a racist statement? It is not mean to be. It could be right or left, right or wrong. Middle of the road. It can be seen as cowardly because one can move in either direction. Pick a side. Pick a side and stay there. Only believe what substantiates your choice. Everything else is wrong. I can't be like that. I just can't . 

So this is my second post today. Obviously I've had a bit on my mind and it seems important to share it, even if in fact it is not. I hope this will speak to someone out there and let them know that they are okay. Human beings are extremely complex creatures. Is it worse to think of not to think? 

If you are tempted to speak but are holding your voice like a burning bush in the middle of your heart, fearful of exploding or of disappearing if you do not express what hides there, please find a way to let your words out...or your art...or your songs...music...dance. Allow yourself to be fully human by expressing yourself. It will bless you, even if there are haters. I promise.

Speak.

Write.

Sing.

Use your words for good.

Comparison (don't listen to it)

A final word on this - comparison - it is the death of many a fine and wonderful idea. We humans are very good at looking outwards at what others are doing and then deciding that we are not good enough, not clever enough, not expert enough, not whatever enough. It is natural to do this. There are so many people out there doing their thing. They are doing it bigger, better, more beautifully than you. There are others out there doing it with less experience, less expertise, less tech savviness, less polish. But guess what? None of that matters. We all have something to share and we all have an audience out there somewhere just waiting to hear from us. I hope this post will help you to find your voice. Trust yourself. 

With love

Kerry

For Better or Worse

This morning I've made myself a smoothie.

 I always eat well. 

But often I don't eat well on top of that, if you know what I mean. 

I eat a wide range of healthy foods - and enough! 

But then I eat some not as necessary and not as supportive of my health and wellbeing foods on top of that. 

Lately I've been experiencing the impact of that with clothes getting tighter and feeling...hmmm...a little bloated I guess. Also I have noticed that my heart is beating way hard and fast after I eat grain foods (mostly wheat-based). I've also noticed that I'm getting some itchy and twitchy patches of skin, and my skin generally is not feeling as good as I want it to (and know it can!). And I want to sleep way too much. Time for me to sit up and take notice!

I've yet to meet a food I didn't like (excepting for once - raw sea urchins - I think I can be forgiven for that) and I am definitely addicted to high carb and sugar-laden tucker so I do need to be careful. And I've not been as careful lately. I hate that it shows up so loudly in my life but at the same time am grateful that my body (and mental health, mood, etc) wave their flags to let me know it's time to rein things in and rediscover the sense of freedom that comes with truly feeling great.

And so I made a smoothie this morning with a great big handful of the beautiful dandelion leaves that are growing right by my doorstep. Also on my doorstep this morning was a gorgeous gift of garden fresh zucchinis, beans and half a dozen fresh-laid eggs. This time of year is the perfect time to reset. Here in the southern hemisphere, the weather is summery and our gardens are beginning to produce lavish amounts of greens and other goodies. Roadside stalls abound in berries and cherries. The time is ripe for indulgence in all that produces great health! 

The weather is great enough to entice us outside for a stroll around the garden or a drive to somewhere new to explore; wildflowers are blooming and everything, everywhere is beautiful. The sun is mighty powerful here in southern Tasmania and we do need to be sun-safe and sun-smart. I went for a couple of hours walk last weekend on a bright day, and even though I wore a hat, I found the heat reflecting up from the ground started to make me feel a bit less than brilliant. Stay in the shade, cover up and stay hydrated...use sun-screen as appropriate. 

Anyway, back to the smoothie. I'm telling you this because I know I need to put my health and habits that support health front and centre or I drift off-course and find those flags flapping for attention. Often by then (or at least by the time they are serious enough to make me pay attention), I have a bit of work to do to get back on track. So here I am doing it now. How many of you have lost focus on your well being after a relaxed festive season that seems to just keep on going? I'm still teased by a massive Christmas pudding in the fridge. Luckily it belongs to someone else in the house - if it was mine I would probably have noshed the whole lot by now in some emotion-induced comfort eating. Because there are challenges in life. And sometimes eating something is easier than facing those challenges and getting on with life. I digress, yet again.

The smoothie was a mix of frozen blueberries, a few chunks of frozen mango, some rolled oats, a few sunflower seeds and pepitas and some coconut milk. Oh, and the generous dose of dandelion leaves. Last time I donated blood they told me my iron count was down from usual. That's a flag too I reckon. Dandelion leaves contain high levels of iron and are a good source of calcium, Vitamins A, B6, E and K, along with thiamine, anti-oxidants and beta- and alpha-carotene, according to The Weed Forager's Handbook; A guide to edible and medicinal weeds in Australia by Adam Grubb and Annie Raser-Rowland. 

A weed forager's guide is a handy thing to have if you want to make the most of free food in your own garden! It contains wisdom many of us have never known or have forgotten. I know a friend who regularly uses Amaranth in her food prep, which along with dandelion is packed with great nutrition. Now I've not been making the most of this by any means, but I am paying attention right now because it's important. Without my health in order, the rest of my life pales into a shadow of what it could and would be. I want that better life. Now. But it's not quite that instant is it? It takes a bit of dedication to get there. 

While there is life, there is hope! And I am full of hope and know that if I am going to take the message into schools and teach kids about the impact of foods, natural and processed, on our bodies, then I need to be walking the talk and feeling strong, alive and vibrant. Who wouldn't want that. Well, apparently a bunch of us that are numbed out and living with a less than optimum or even reasonable level of health. So much of it is in our own hands. We rely on going along to doctors with a range of symptoms that very often would be minimised or reversed with a good, consistent approach to eating well and getting enough sunshine and enjoyable exercise like walking. Connection to others impacts significantly on our health and wellbeing too, of course. 

If your social get togethers are all about food (think coffee and cake at the cafe), consider changing that to a meeting at the park for a walk and talk. You'll feel better and be making a great choice for your health. Being well, really well, comes about not with a great, big driven effort over a short period of time, but by consistent small choices made for the better each day. Water, not the milkshake. Celery, not the crackers. Fruit, not the cake. The old trick, parking a little further from your destination and walking a little further than might be necessary. Small changes, small choices add up over time to feeling better. 

Better - not perfect. That is the way I live now. My motto if you like. I used to think that things weren't worth doing unless I did them perfectly. So I was a very harsh critic of myself. I'm older and wiser now and don't criticise myself if I don't do something perfectly. I know now that it's rarely possible and that in life there are many different ways to be 'right'. And true. And moving in the 'right' direction. There is no perfect way but there are many opportunities every day to make choices that move us towards better, be that in our physical health or our mental health. Food, exercise, connection to self and others impact both our mental and physical health every day. So my intention for the next while is to make choices that move me towards better physical and mental health. Until it becomes habit again, and it will if I am paying enough attention. 

For the record:

• Blueberries - fibre, a good range of B vitamins and Vit C
• Oats - B vitamins, Vit E, folate and fibre
• Sunflower seeds - Vits B1 and E and fibre
• Pepitas - Zinc, Vit E, iron and fibre
• Dandelion Greens - iron, calcium, Vits A, B6, E and K, thiamine, anti-oxidants, beta- and alpha-carotene
• Coconut milk - Fats and carbs (careful not to over-indulge!)

If you're not feeling great, there are always things you can do to start moving towards better. One choice is the first step. What will you do today to help move yourself away from the inevitable ill health that will follow if you don't move yourself towards wellness? 

It can be helpful to consider that we live on a timeline that is moving us inevitably towards death and to think about how you want to get there. I want to live my days, which seem to be disappearing at an increasingly fast rate, with enthusiasm and vigour, not hunkered down on the couch watching Netflix and eating 'junk food' and calling that a life. 

Cheers for now!

Here's to better health!

Here's to choices that lead to better health!

Here's to caring enough to make those choices!

Here's to being human and life being a bumpy road!

Here's to you and thanks for reading me!

Kerry

Asking For Help ~ A Life Lesson

 Today I learned to ask for help. Yesterday I learned that maybe it is okay for me to ask for help. This might seem a little crazy, but for my whole life I have - endured? - the sense that I ought to be able to do things better. It's not perfectionism at work here, but a strong sense of - I am a reasonably intelligent woman and this task (whatever it may be) is well within my capabilities - therefore I need to get organised and get it done. In elegant contradiction to my thinking, however, the thing rarely gets done on time and I suffer an inordinate level of anxiety and self-loathing over my inability to move forward with things. 

Overwhelm is an almost constant companion, or at least the feeling of overwhelm so that I feel like I cannot do things that are well within the scope of my abilities. I love to do the planning for my projects. I create lists and checklists and mind maps and calendar plans with everything mapped out ready to go. It is all easy to manage and makes so much sense to me. Then my emotions well up and I am essentially paralysed. I have thought this through endlessly and had decided that maybe I am lazy or lack ambition and motivation. We've all heard the idea that motivation is created through action; it doesn't just happen as a rule. But the real action was so slow moving and frustration with myself has meant that I spend a lot of time wanting to run away. I don't know where to or away from what but just to go! Anywhere! Running away from myself. It can't be done. The problems always go with me. 

I was the one at university who always had to apply for extensions as I could rarely meet a deadline for submission of my work. I often got High Distinctions for the work, but I was unable to start it until the deadline was so close that I couldn't possibly get it in on time. It made me a nightmare to work with on group assignments I'm sure, but my anxiety would get in the way of me actually doing the work. I would 'do it' in my head and often would sit and write it all down almost without requiring editing before submitting. The grades were good but it was highly stressful and highly inefficient. It has felt as though I was self-sabotaging at every opportunity and I am sure my behaviour has been viewed by others with a mixture of dismay, anger and disbelief. 

Words and writing are my playground. I love them so much. But to produce writing at someone else's behest is agonising to me. It is like the worst kind of torture (drama queen enters here). I spent a lot of my university days, which I commenced in my 47th year, consumed by a weighty anxiety that rode on my chest just above my sternum and radiated a dry burn with every inward and outward breath. It was exhausting and made living really hard. It was ever-present, perhaps a side-dish for my trip along Menopause Lane which coincided nicely with time at university, or a product of having to 'perform' in pracs and presentations (and the fact that my performance would be judged/graded). It was such a tough time even though I loved being at university so much. It felt to me like coming home! But I suffered so at the same time. I don't believe I ever experienced anxiety as a physical presence prior to those years, but that is how it manifested then and still does today.

One of the things that sends me into paralysis (the freeze part of fight/flight/freeze) is the need to create work in tables - like lesson plans and rubrics and term plans and so on. I produced an integrated term unit plan at uni for one course. It was 70 pages long. All tables. All fabulous. High Distinction. But the lecturer commented on the assessment that I would have to find a different way to do it or I would never survive as a teacher. I resigned at the end of 2019. 

Tables -they send me into an absolute panic and I have to fight that the whole time to try and produce something that is 'right'. I experience a massive fear of getting it 'wrong'. I can't work out what headings to put where or how things flow and relate to one another unless someone actually sits with me and talks me through it. I believe that I should be able to do these things and find it ridiculous that they are such a struggle for me. It makes no sense to me and I berate myself internally for not being able to do this easily. It is usually a logical process to follow but my lizard brain doesn't let logic in to play. So I have learned to be avoidant and to find ways to not do these jobs that were integral to my job as a teacher. 

I graduated from university with a Bachelor of Learning Management (Early Childhood) with Distinction and gained permanency straight out of university with the Queensland Department of Education. I was asked if my portfolio, which was used for my interview and application for work with the department, could be used as an exemplar for future students. Of course I was honoured and said yes. They interviewing panel told me it was the best they had ever seen. I have loads of evidence that I am capable of functioning at a fairly high level. But still I struggle. 

Yesterday I had the privilege to hear from a visitor about some professional development she had done the day before around ADHD and ADD. As she described what kids with ADHD go through, it sounded just so much like me and the challenges I have managing and organising my written work that I have to believe that this is what I have been dealing with for most of my life. The penny dropped. I don't need a professional diagnosis to know that this disordered brain pattern and behaviour pattern is part of why I have been in such a difficult place. No doubt there are other factors but this is absolutely part of it. 

This is all so relevant and important to me right now as I have signed up to write a book. It is about a subject I am passionate about and I hope that it will impact positively on the lives of many children and their families. So the stakes are high. But I am not managing a mere two or three thousand word essay in this instance. It is thirty to forty thousand words and it's a lot to wrangle into some sort of order. 

The problems started right at the beginning of the writing journey when I was presented with the publishers proforma for organising the writing. It's a table. It's a form. And I fell instantly into panic mode and there I have stayed for the past nine months. I have copious mountains of notes, both physical and digital. I have stacks of reference books around me. I have everything I need to put this book together but the anxiety over those proformas has meant that I have stumbled and fumbled and agonised my way to the point where I have twice asked for 'extensions' or moved the dates for editing and publication believing that more time will solve the issues but no. It has not and still I sit surrounded and confounded by the inability to organise it all. Fear not if you have paid in advance for a copy of the book. It is still happening and it will be a better book, I promise you, for the process that I'm going through. 

So today my life has changed, due to that simple conversation over a cup of tea yesterday. Today I gave the publishers a call for help. I haven't asked for help before because I felt like I was at fault and that I should be able to make sense of this thing and get it organised. I know what organisation looks like so I couldn't understand why it was so impossible for me. Today I have understood that I need to step back and put into place some simple tools for organising my way forward. A chat on zoom with a very helpful staff member reassured me and we moved the dates yet again. The difference is that I will be keeping in touch regularly and asking for help if I'm feeling stuck or overwhelmed again. I thought it would be foolish to ask for help and that I would look stupid. I thought that no one would understand what I was going through. But having a sense of it being my 'wiring' and that actually I am okay and not 'faulty' or slack or lacking some basic component has allowed me to be vulnerable enough to ask for help. 

Tonight I am breathing easier. It is not an easy thing to write a book. There are millions of books out there written across history and thousands more are being released every year I'm sure, but still it is not an easy thing to do. This book has asked me to write it. It would not let me alone. It is taking me on a journey of personal growth and discovery that I could never have imagined. Maybe if I'd known I would not have started. Ignorance is sometimes bliss. Tomorrow is a new day and I am feeling confident to move forward again. 

The funny thing is that I would always encourage others to ask for help and to seek professional help when they need it. I in no way see it as belittling or demeaning to ask for help. Please if you need help with something ask. Please if you seem not to be able to figure out things that other people can do in a fairly straightforward way, be brave and ask for help to work it out. My fear was looking silly for not being able to work it out for myself but in the end I look silly for not accessing help a LOT sooner. It was available to me all along. I only had to ask. I hid behind changing deadlines to try and make myself figure it out on my own but I needed assistance, even just to talk it over to make it less of a weight on my shoulders. 

That is a big confession and I hope it might help someone out there that is trying too hard on their own. I envy people who are able to ask for help easily. I hope this is a good lesson for me too, to start to work more with other people and to not be afraid of that. I still don't understand fully what goes on with my brain, but I do know that I would have walked away from this project, ashamed and defeated, if I had not asked for help with it. 

A perhaps interesting aside: so many people have told me they cried when they watched the film The Notebook. It didn't move me in that way. I wept when I watched A Beautiful Mind. I understand the madness of trying to organise thoughts and information. I don't think I'm crazy at all. I just needed a little help.

Friends, family, be patient with me. Even at sixty-two I am still trying to grow up and figure out just who I am. I appreciate you all and thank you for reading  me. 

With love

Kerry <3

PS Here is the book - available for the pre-release price of $23.95 including postage, if you wish to order  https://tinyurl.com/superpowerlunchbox

Ponderings 2016

I came across this stream of consciousness writing today. I had not read it since I first wrote it back in 2016. I've waded through it today and tried to make it more readable. The original was not capitalised and it was comprised almost entirely of fragments. Perhaps it might have worked as poetry? My use of phrasing and punctuation is victim of artistic license, alas, but I encourage others to ponder these questions too. I don't have the answers but they are things that need to be pondered. It is our privilege to ponder in this way, is it not?

Where does one begin to tell a story? Stories all begin at the beginning of time and none of them will end until the end of time. Things that happen in between those two extremes are but snippets. None of them complete in themselves but always, always part of the bigger picture. And we become so enamoured with those snippets. They take on the importance of the whole story; the appearance of the whole story. Yet there is always more to add… more coming or more that came before. Does everything, every happening take on a special significance in our lives just because we decide it is so? Such is the power of our minds, our brains, that we can take a tiny insignificant thing; a word spoken, a sideways glance, and endow it with such mammoth weightiness in our lives. Yet all are as nothing if we choose to make them so.

This simple fact gives us a great deal of say in how happy we are with life. We can choose to put some apparent enormity in terms of human relationship or human communication into the box marked 'nothing'. Then it can be closed in, made to disappear into the ether as it were, as a lantern floating silent into the night sky. Higher and more distant with each passing breath, until it disappears from sight, perhaps even from memory. Ah such power we have. But do we use it? Some of us perhaps and some more than others, but I think it is probably true that most of us are unaware of the power this gives us…or at least we forget. We forget to use it even when we know it is there.

Ah such silly creatures we can be. We are mostly so engulfed by what is happening around us that we forget. Who we are and what we are capable of. What our true talents are. Instead we fuss and worry and ruminate over vast tracts of 'nothing' in our lives. He said. She said. They think. They want.

Hang on! What do you want? Do you want to give your life away like that? Do you want all your power to lay dormant while you waste your energy trying to justify your own thoughts and inactions? Or your actions or the actions and presumed thoughts of others? Seems a bit of a waste really doesn't it? 

What if you actually stopped a while and thought about what you are made of? How really amazing it is that you even exist in this time and moment and that you are so much a part of everything else as everything else is also a part of you in some way. If you can accept that every story begins at the beginning of time and that it ends not until the end of time then is not every single thing a part of that?

What if you could really comprehend that and begin to see that it is all really a magic symphony being played out by the energies that exist. You play a part in it all. Your thoughts, your actions are all part of the whole. But the whole is so immense that how can you rightly place such significance in your ruffled feathers?  Your offence at not being invited? Being passed over for a job or a part in something? For not winning the prize? It is part of the experience. How often do things that seem so bad, that we believe are the end for us in some way, turn out to be catalysts for some new happening that we might then call a blessing?

We experience tragedy in our lives and see it in the lives around us. How do we determine that something is a tragedy? Is it determined by the magnitude of hurt, physical and emotional, or by perceived ripple effect? The ‘what might come next’? We tend to create futures before they have a chance to happen. Have you noticed that? We create six possible outcomes and experience all the worry and emotional response to those outcomes before anything has happened beyond the present moment. From there we create our own distress and pain. Is it possible to live life any other way? To take back, not so much control but, our birthright to be just part of it all and not the centre. Not the focus but just a thread in the great weaving of life; a tiny fine thread amongst millions, no billions of others. Weaving this way and that, in and out of each other. Worrying, wondering. Wandering. Sigh.

How can we make sense of being part of a world in which we are both so big and so infinitesimally small? How can we internalise the knowing of both so that we can live in a way that is more comfortable. Disease. Dis-ease. It is rife. We are uncomfortable with our beliefs about ourselves and about life. 

We compare ourselves with others who have done more or less than us. And determine our personal worth in accordance with our discoveries. We compare ourselves with others who have more or less than us, and determine our personal wealth in accordance with our discoveries. We compare ourselves with others who inhabit different bodies, who are fatter, thinner, browner, yellower, pinker, taller, shorter, fitter, less fit, and determine our value in accordance with what we discover. We compare ourselves with others who have more education or less education than we have, and determine our capabilities in accordance with what we discover. Who chooses the rules we use for working all this out? And why do we follow them so willingly? Blindly even. 

How often do you question your first responses to others? Do you assess, judge, decide what others are like and where they fit on this constructed hierarchy we use, in comparison to you? Do you treat each person differently in accordance with what you discover when you do that? I suspect that most of us do without giving it a second thought.

It’s a big deal when people say they treat the cleaner, or the janitor, with the same friendly greeting as they give the CEO. But isn't that the natural thing to do? Does it make a difference who? Could it be that the janitor is more worthy of a respectful greeting than the CEO? In some cases perhaps… I will not make a judgment here. These are my thoughts and ideas. Make of them what you will. But is it really some level of self-interest that causes us to differentiate in this way?  We almost invariably give more respect to those that appear to have more power than us; perhaps because that is the position we would like to be in ourselves one day. And it seems to be true that you must be 'in' with the crowd you want to identify with, especially if you are not yet where you want to be.

But it's all so small, so worthless. Because your story, though it goes back to the beginning of time and follows through to the end of time, isn't going to make a difference! Because in the end, if there is indeed an end of some sort, there will be nothing as it has been deemed by both science and religion that there was nothing in the first instance. How foolish we are to think on these things and to worry ourselves and waste precious resources chasings ghosts and rainbows. What if we could slow down enough to see just how crazy it all is?

I know we can justify our position from this and that point of view. But that is all it is. A Point Of View. Change your glasses, change your lenses and see things differently. Can you do that? Would you do that? 

Is physical comfort the most important thing you can aspire to? It’s a big question. It is the thing most of our lives are dedicated to if you really examine it well. So what do we need to be physically comfortable? A measure of fitness, a measure of food and water, a measure of freedom from biting insects and a physical barrier between us and the elements, a measure of warmth. With these things we can then sit and ponder life. But what of those who spend their whole lives, day after day, missing out on these? Are they less than those of us who have it all? To have attained or to have been given what are perhaps the most basic needs for human life or at least tolerable human life. Many have not these things. No access to them and no hope of gaining them. What is life like for those people? What is it like to not have seen television or the internet or a mobile phone? I question this only because these things have become so ubiquitous in our society. It’s an attempt to get you to think. For many of us life comes to a standstill if the power goes off or when the internet is down…or even sluggish. We tend to live in our own world and expect that even if others have lives that are different to ours in some ways that they are just as comfortable.

Do you really think that is true? Have you ever stopped to think about it? What makes us live so thoroughly invested in our own welfare to the detriment of others? Why are we unwilling to acknowledge, or worse even consider that we might play a part in their discomfort with our insatiable desire for more comfort? What can we do to shift this? Is it indeed necessary? If everything is part of everything else, is my discontent with so much perhaps somehow also their pain and suffering from lack? Does it even matter? Can I make any difference?

It is all so big. It is all so orchestrated by those 'at the top'. I cannot judge them. I have more than I need. Life is not always easy but if I only took what I needed it probably would be. I am tired. I have a headache. I am tired of thinking and of things being so unfair. I am tired of the glitz and glamour and sparkle that are used to dress the world up to be something that perhaps it ought not to be. The Plastic Fantastic.

I am tired of laminating things - of putting plastic over paper that would rot to become soil if I left it be. I am tired of computers and the constant pressure of needing to pay. Pay. Pay someone. Pay the council. Pay the electricity company. Pay the phone company. Pay for fuel for the car. Pay for clothes and all this stuff that really only puts a barrier between me and life and living. It is time for change of some sort. It begins with me.

I have been sitting at the computer all day waiting for what? Outside the sun is shining. Outside the birds are singing. Soon the rains will come and there will be no sun for days, and I will have missed this opportunity.

Be kind. It is all you.

Kerry 

Postscript: The irony that I have played with this on my personal laptop and will upload it using my personal wifi and that I am sitting on one of the five chairs in my room which I inhabit alone - all 30 square metres or so of it...does not escape me. I am grateful. I am also deeply sad that there are such inequities in our world. I am curious to see how you will respond to this. Perhaps you will think I am mad?